Tag Archives: #tudor

Will & Ben: Renaissance Men – a Horf?

Will & Ben: Renaissance Men – a horf?

Ben: My horʃ, my horʃ, my kingdom for a horʃ?

Will: It’s a horse, Ben; ‘a horse, a horse, my kingdom for a horse.’

Ben: Thou art so old fashioned, Will. How will anyone be able to read this rubbish?

Will: I’m not letting you trick me into admitting it is ‘rubbish’, Ben; I think that a lot of people are quietly pleased that I am keeping the old mother tongue alive.

Ben: Quietly indeed, Will – my mother’s tongue and my father’s eyes hath I – in this box, durst thou wan’t to see them, again, Will?

Will: Nay, good Ben, I have neither the eyes nor the stomach to spy upon them a second time – once was once more than enough.

(A pause)

Ben: ‘the sound of one hand clapping frightens no chickens’.

Will: One of yours, Ben?

Ben: A line that I have recently quilled for my ‘Every Man in His Humour’. I quite like it’s understated relevancy, Will.

Will: A palpable hit with the unwashed molasses, Ben, palpable in truth for a distance of feet.

Ben: ‘Two feet makes a distance much further than three.’ I shall use that one day.

Will (aside): Use it ‘and’ abuse it, I am sure. The fool shall speak it well, be that it is in your own voice.

Ben: Charming!

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Will & Ben: Renaissance Men – The Bill.

Will & Ben: Renaissance Men – The Bill.

Will & Ben: Renaissance Men – The Bill.

Ben: Will? Or may I call you ‘Bill’?

Will: Will, will do, Ben, or may I call you Edna?

Ben: Edna?

Will: Edna Bucket.

Ben: Ha! Very funny, Will. Edna Bucket! (Ben chuckles)

A short pause

Will: So?

Ben: ‘So’ what, Will?

Will: You wished to ask me something a few sentences back?

Ben: Oh, Yes. I remember. Will?

Will: Yes?

Ben: Is it your turn to get the bill?

Will: The bill, Ben?

Ben: Yes, Will, the bill.

Will: I, Will…

Ben: Great!

Will: Continuing- I, Will Shakespeare, being of sound mind-

Ben: Allegedly, Will, allegedly.

Will: Repeat, ‘being of sound mind’ have no intention, whatsoever, of letting Ben Jonson have another ‘free lunch’ at my expense.

Ben: But, Will? The bill!.

Will: We shall, henceforward, refer to it as ‘the Ben’, Ben. ‘Waiter’ my friend here would like to pay the ‘Ben!’

Ben: But, Will?

Will: No ifs, no buts, and we haven’t even discovered coconuts yet. G’day, Ben.

Ben: Oh, dear. Looks like the washing-up for me.

Will and Ben: Renaissance Men – ‘Codpiece Shinola™️’ (or Something of a Poisoned Chalice)

Will and Ben: Renaissance Men – ‘Codpiece Shinola™️ (or ‘Something of a Poisoned Chalice’)

One day (in the Tudor Merchants ™️Ltd. workshop):

Ben: Hey, Will, I’ve just invented a special new product: ‘Codpiece Shinola™️’.

Will: I’ll be over right away, Ben, this could be our big break.

Will soon agreed that the product was special. The marketing boys were put on the case, and, within a week, the sales team had started receiving orders.

The English Mercurie ran an article on the

‘Miracle Polish for Tarnished Codpieces!’,

with the tag-line,

‘There’s The Rub!

…and sales boomed.

Then the bubble burst.

Not enough testing had gone into the product. Complaints started coming in thick and fast; law-suits were raised and Ben and Will, and their ‘Codpiece Shinola™️’, found themselves dumped by Tudor Merchants™️ Ltd.

It seems that, although ‘Codpiece Shinola™️’ gave a fine shine to tarnished codpieces, after an initial positive response from the users, it seemed that the lustrous codpieces had started to shrink – some people had to be taken to hospital for surgical removal of the offending items!

Ben and Will sank into something of a decline and waited for their Golden Age to begin.

Will and Ben: Renaissance Men – Second Best Bed

Will & Ben: Renaissance Men – Second Best Bed.

Will: My Second Best Bed? It’s in the wash. Why do you ask, Ben?

Ben: How could your bed be in the wash, Will?

Will: Second Best Bed, Ben.

Ben: Okay. How could your Second Best Bed be in the wash, Will?

Will: When you put your mind to something, Ben, you will find a way to achieve more than you could dream of.

Ben: Yes, Will; but, in the wash!

Will: Ben, Ben, Ben! It is a metaphor. My Second Best Bed is not a bed to lie upon.

Ben: I’ truth?

Will: It is a saying that says not the message that the words combine to form. For example: ‘My Second Best Ben is in the Ale House.’

Ben: You have another friend that calleth himself ‘Ben’, Will?

Will: No, Sirrah. It is thee! When thou are in the Ale House you are not my Best Ben, but my Second Best Ben. Due to the Ale that thou consumest.

Ben: Ah! Now I see; but, about your bed…?

Will: I lied upon it, Ben.

A Revised History of the Sixteenth Century

This needed a dust off and today was the day to do it. As we remember Will of Avon or as he he was known to his friends ‘Shaky Will’ – G:)

Graeme Sandford

sixteenth century

v/o Let us enter the TARDIS and return to a page in history

GRAMS: Dr Who music

Let us go back to the very start of the fifteen hundreds – fifteen-oh-nine if you want to be precise.

Part The First (or, He Was Henry the Eighth, He Was)

The miserly king, Henry the Seventh, was dead and his young and handsome son, Henry the Eighth ascended to the throne (as you can see we were going through another succession of Henry kings – similar to the French with their long line of Louis kings – if it hadn’t have been for the French revolution they’d have been up to King Louis the Soixante-Neuf by now).

The money that his father had scrimped and saved allowed the young Henry the Eighth to dabble in the old English pastime of warring with the French… or the Scottish… or both simultaneously. France at…

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Today’s Tudor Times?

image
Men and women…
Where in the world would you like to live?

I would like to live in a Shakespearean house
With an exit and an entrance
It’s just a stage that I am going through.

A Revised History of the Sixteenth Century

sixteenth century

v/o Let us enter the TARDIS and return to a page in history

GRAMS: Dr Who music

Let us go back to the very start of the fifteen hundreds – fifteen-oh-nine if you want to be precise.

Part The First (or, He Was Henry the Eighth, He Was)

The miserly king, Henry the Seventh, was dead and his young and handsome son, Henry the Eighth ascended to the throne (as you can see we were going through another succession of Henry kings – similar to the French with their long line of Louis kings – if it hadn’t have been for the French revolution they’d have been up to King Louis the Soixante-Neuf by now).

The money that his father had scrimped and saved allowed the young Henry the Eighth to dabble in the old English pastime of warring with the French… or the Scottish… or both simultaneously. France at this time was being ruled by the even younger and even more handsome than Henry the Eighth, Francois le Une (that’s Francis the First, in English – his elder brother Louis having succumbed to the royal disease of dying before getting a number).

One-upmanship was rife.

Henry the Eighth, a little miffed at not being the youngest, most handsomest, most youngest monarch in Europe decided to be a patron to the arts. Music and literature had recently arrived hot foot from the Florentine Renaissance of years before and Henry decided to write music..

GRAMS: Greensleeves

Greensleeves, serious literature (that one that the pope liked and gave him Fidei Defensor – Defender of the faith – Catholicism!), inventing a new English Religion (Protestantism – that the Pope didn‘t like quite so much) and even invent sporting games, such as tennis (that’s real tennis, not the imaginary game that is played today. There was an English singles winner at Wimbledon for 38 years running (1509-47) as long as Henry reigned, in fact (now there is just English rain at Wimbledon), but Henry the Eighth didn’t do so well in the doubles, as he had many problems with his partners.

And so in January Fifteen-Hundred and Forty-Seven, Henry the Eighth died, a mere two months before his rival and arch enemy Francis the First of France (but Henry the Eighth did beat Francis The First six wives to two (nowadays known as a ‘kingly win‘ in tennis. Henry was followed to the throne of England by his son Edward the Sixth (Henry’s son Henry had died beforehand, as had his other sons, Henry, Henry, Henry and Henry). Edward the Sixth managed to live just long enough to allow his half-sister, half-monster, Mary the First (who gave her name to the drink “I’ll have a Bloody Mary“) succeed him. Mary the First’s reign is remembered for her inviting a few Protestants round for supper and then burning the steaks (and the Protestants upon them), marrying a Spaniard (there are some things worse, but I’m not sure what) and then losing back to the French, Calais (our last remaining English outpost in France, if you don‘t include the Channel Islands, and who does?). Mary the First died after having ‘Calais’ tattooed on her heart (not a wise move in those far off days of leeches and the letting of blood.

Then came Gloriana to the throne, Our first Queen called Elizabeth, our ‘Virgin’ queen (allegedly), and just at the right time for the Golden Age, too. War with France and Scotland was stopped immediately, and war with Spain was assumed for a change. Single-handedly, Queen Elizabeth the First destroyed the Spanish Armada and sent Philip the Second of Spain back to Cadiz with a singing beard.

Thus began a time of peace and happiness in the land. Frivolities such as the theatre became popular and from out of the soldiery came one of the greatest playwrights that the world will ever know.

Part the Second (or Where There’s A Will There’s A Play)

His story is somewhat sketchy, but here is my version of events.

Born in Warwickshire in 1564 of humble origins, William Shakespeare was a youth of many talents. He could read and write fluently by the age of five, loved to listen to the old songs (mainly Greensleeves, if truth be known) and recite old and curiously spelt poetry at the drop of a hat (albeit an Elizabethan hat). So William was destined to be a great… soldier. One day, during the threat of the Spanish Armada) whilst camped at Beachy Head, William was there on lookout duty, spear at the ready, when a conversation with a colleague was struck. Here is that imagined conversation in part.

Will: Doust thou thinkest that the Warre Shalt be done by Christmas, my colleague?

Coll: That’s wot they are saying back at the barracks.

Will: Oh woest me that I shalt not see my family (and my second best bed) again, if we do not defeat the hosts of Spain.

Coll: Yes, right!

Will: I shallst shake my spear at the evil foe, and be gone the Spaniard from our shores.

Coll: If you must.

Will: There ‘tis done.

(silence)

Will: my colleague?

Coll: (warily) Yes?

Will: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s Day?

Coll: I’d rather you didn’t

Will: Well I am a writer, not a fighter!

(Exeunt)

And so, with William Shakespeare, single-handedly defeating the Spanish Armada, a career move was decided upon, and ten years later William Shakespeare became an overnight sensation.

William Shakespeare’s story continued beyond the Sixteenth Century, but that Will, will be spoken of at a later date.

Elizabeth the First reigned for 43 years (reigning almost as much as you’d get on a long weekend in Birmingham) and William Shakespeare, the Swan of Avon, was Bard (from all the public houses in Stratford, and then from all the wine bars in affluent (and oftentimes effluent) London.

When Queen Elizabeth the First died in the year sixteen-hundred and three, her father’s, elder sister’s, son‘s, son‘s son, James the Sixth, King of Scotland, became King James the First of England as well.

But that story lies ahead in the Sixteen-hundreds – otherwise known as “The Seventeenth Century“.