I found a man upon the cliffs,
the dying words,
I heard him utter,
were. ‘Why didn’t they sell Peanut Butter?’
DCI: It’s my opinion that the ‘perpetrator’ was known to the ‘victim’.
PC: They were married, sir.
DCI: Constable, I want you to round up the witnesses and have them all gathered in the… here… In ten minutes.
DCI: I shall now round up the ‘stiff’ and the ‘murderer’ and then we shall have one of those ‘Poirot-like’ reveals.
The police leave in opposite directions. Then recross the room, leave again. The ‘stiff’ returns, resumes place.
Nothing happens for a few minutes. Apart from the ‘stiff’ trying to get comfy. The phone rings. Nobody answers it.
Phone stops. Dr P enters, answers the unringing phone.
Dr P: Hello… Yes… 14 ounces in a pound, no. 16! Bye!
Dr P: Are you still dead?
De P: Nobody else here.
Stiff: Dead as a Do.
Dr P: Dodo?
Stiff: Not that dead!
Dr P: So, there is no victim.
Stiff: I’m teaching them a lesson.
Dr P: ‘Them’ are my family!
Dr P shoots the stiff.
Dr P leaves. The Police et al return (not Dr P).
DCI: Hello, hello, hello…
DCI: I heard a gunshot!
PC: I can see those months at Detective School weren’t wasted.
Dr 1: The dead man!
Dr1: He’s… dead!
Dr 1: No, he’s really dead. Before, he was only pretentious!
Dr 1: Pretending.
DCI: So, he’s ‘really’ dead?
Dr 1: Really! I should know – I am a doctor!
Dr P enters.
Dr P: No, that is not true!
DCI: Not a doctor?
PC: Not ‘dead?’
Dr 1: Yes, I am not a ‘dead’ doctor.
Dr P: Nor a ‘doctor!’
Dr1: What about Nora?
DCI: It seems a murder ‘may’ or ‘may not’ have occurred, I shall go to any lengths.
Dr1: Are you paid by the yard?
Dr P: What about my ‘impersonating a doctor’ accusation?
DCI: I take that most seriously. Constable, arrest him!
Posted in crime, detective, dialogue, dialogueforaplay, murder, mystery, Play, silly, sleuth, theater, theatre
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