Tag Archives: #SeptemberLimericks

Laugh-A-Long Limericks for 30th September, 2014

Laugh-a-long edit

If a Wabble is half of a Froggit
And a Gungip Is half still again
Would the cost of an oversize Niggit
Be worth three one-quarters of pain
For the Niggit is vast
And it just wouldn’t last
And if you did buy one and lost it,
would you shout out a Towdle refrain?
-/-

Limerick Factumundo No.1:

Early Limericks (c. 9th century) were written in manuscript form; with monks taking days and sometimes even weeks to inscribe the short poetic form with intricate details and embellish the pages that the Limerick’s words were set upon with accompanying decorative pictures. TRUE / FALSE

-/-

The WOTD

The ‘Word of the Day’ it is… ‘Twang’

Which is quite easy if music’s your thang

But if you’ve a taste

For food – In your haste

You might mention ‘it’ instead of ‘Tang!’

-/-

Limerick Factumundo No.2:

The City of Limerick in Eire (modern day Eire or Ireland) was named after the famous Erin Limerick (which is now housed in Limerick Cathedral), The Erin Limerick hails from the very earliest of recorded poetry in Eire / Ireland and is truly an awful poem at its best). TRUE / FALSE ? 

-/-

The top of the world is quite old

And said to be terribly cold

But, what’s it to me

I’m unlikely to be

There for the climbers to behold.

-/-

The Limerick is the mightiest of beasts

Who does hold most uproarious feasts

They occur when the moon

Is eclipsed in late June

That’s if they’re not banned by the priests

-/-

Limerick Factumundo No.3:

The Limerick is one of the three ‘true’ forms of poetry as described by the Greeks in 321AD – Aclinius in his ‘History of the Ode’ was at pains to point out that the merit of a ferret in his trousers ‘was’ that it taught him to ‘bear it!’ as he writes it (and ‘the nipping of teeth’ at ‘what lay beneath’ really made a man of him… or not – the Ovidian transation from the old Greek to Latin and since then from Latin to English {Modern day English}  is not one hundred per cent clear). The other two ‘true’ forms are, of course, the ‘Ode – in all its glory’, and the ‘Punning Couplet’ which is making a comeback in some literary circles. TRUE /FALSE ?

-/-

Almost lost is the fine art of spilling

I say this agen, wons moor, and with filling

So mop up your badd wisdom

With a spill-check sisdom

And the clarity it will soon be revilling!

-/-

Limerick Factumundo No.4:

The Ombazo Limerick was discovered in 1312 by the banks of the Ombazo River in Wasalla (modern day Umallawoo)  by a Turkish merchant who thought that the stone upon which it was engraved was just a direction post for travellers. Copying down the details and then trying to follow them to get back to a main-trading route, he became irretrievably lost and the inscription parchment with him. The Limerick Stone has long been missing and it was only in 1847 that the remains of the traveller and the parchment were found – just north of Preston (modern day Preston). TRUE / FALSE ?

-/-

The AWOTD

The ‘Alternative Word of the Day’ it is… ‘Drudge’

It’s when you have to eat  fudge

Toffees and creams

Flavours from dreams

And your teeth, clamped together, won’t budge!

-/-

In Ireland upon St. Limerick’s day

In five lines the natives do pray

They recite then they laugh

About a telescopic giraffe

And then merrily go on their way.

-/-

Limerick Factumundo No.5:

The Limerick is also the most mathematical of poetic devices. It’s 8 letters relate strongly to themes of Infinity and the Mobius Strip whilst its 5 lines relate to the 5 good things a day that the Greek god, Vega, decreed that the peoples should aspire to – Swedish philosophers have marvelled at the simple, yet effective aabba rhyme scheme and this has also been noted by some of their most popular musicians. The ‘True’ Limerick also has a specific Gravity of 3.142 (rounded up) and is therefore not to be trusted. TRUE /FALSE ?

-/-

A strongman was crossing a ridge

Carrying a stove, a duck, and a fridge

When an old lady flew past

(Carrying all the troubles of the world upon her shoulders)

For her shoulders were vast

And the  strong(ish)man did his strength then abridge!

-/-

September as a month is quite short

But, as they say, it’s better a witty retort

Than a month in a tort

Or a case of Sneezlewort

For putting those days in –  whilst in port.

-/-

Limerick Factumundo No.6:

There are only 5 Factumondoes about Limericks. TRUE /FALSE ? 

-/-

A Limerick walked into a bargain basement

“I’ve come about my temporary placement!”

They said “You’re too short!

But, any storm in a port,

You’ll do till we can find a replacement!

-/-

Thank you for reading these Limericks, I say,

These five-lined behemoths  wot I wrote every which way

I did so all through September

And I hope some you’ll remember

As there’s a quiz on them a week Saturday!

Late-Arrival Limericks for September 29th, 2014

Late Arrival edit

Late-Arriving Limericks are actually below – they have only just got here – so may still be warm from the creative processes – you have been warmed!

The WOTD

The ‘Word of the Day’ it is… ‘Twitter’
To use it won’t cause any litter
Just remember the rules
That newbies are fools
And that may just stop you from feeling so bitter.
-/-
Limerick Rule-of-Thumb No. 1: Whilst a Limerick sets out to be uproariously funny and particularly clever, some Limericks fail on either the first, the second, or both counts – this is sadly often true.
-/-
A man thought he knew D.H.Lawrence
As he’d met him one day whilst in Florence
But the man was a fraud
Whose real name was Claud
And the truth was met with total abhorrence.
-/-
*Limerick Rule-of-Thumb No. 2: Using unusual rhymes gathers more cudos than a cudos-gatherer at cudos-harvest time.
-/-
A veritable sage held his court
With novices that he had taught
He held up a hand
They did await his command
But, he gave them the advice that they sought.*
-/-
*Limerick Rule-of-Thumb no. 3: Not all Limericks are meant to be funny – this is often stated when they don’t really work that well (see above… and below for examples).
-/-
A Limerick decided that he would be prose – he would Walk into a bar and hold up his nose! “Sorry!” he said; and then he held up his head; “I’m a Limerick highwayman, I suppose!”
-/-
In the histories of the statue and the saint
There are always the ones who grow faint
The details too thin
Or concealed within
And what use is a new coat of paint.
-:-
The Thinker was perched on his rock
Considering the whereabouts of a sock
If only he knew. (He thought)
I could almost have two –
But he was suffering from that old ‘Thinker’s Block!’
-/-
A real-life modern-day Casanova
Arrived from Venice at Dover
Chatted up someone’s wife
Tried to run for his life
Got caught, now his wrenching days are over.
-/-
Limerick Rule-of-Thumb No. 4: it’s not through the want of trying that Limerick’s never grow up to be ‘proper’ poems – it has been proven that it is the parents that are usually to blame.
-/-

The AWOTD
The ‘Alternative Word of the Day’ it is… Sporran
To wear one will get the ladies adorin’*
But the wind can be chilly
And can affect your prospects
So wear a suit ‘n’ tie and be borin’*

* This Limerick should be read in a Scottish accent.
-/-
Limerick Rule-of-Thumb No. 5: There is ‘No!’ Repeat ‘No!’ Limerick Rule-of-Thumb No. 5 (see Monty Python’s ‘Bruce’s Sketch’ for detailed analysis of this point!)
-:-
Spike Milligan was mowing his carrot
When he stopped to discuss a red parrot
He added some gin
To one end of his chin
And finished the rest off with claret!
-/-
In the middle of the night
When it’s too dark for light
It’s never that good
To be lost in a wood-
A very precarious plight!
-/-
Limerick Rule-of-Thumb No.6:
There is never a need for more than 5 lines unless the “Limerickist” (they are ‘not-poets’) is trying to be clever (which they invariably are not).
-/-
A pirate who’d sailed all seven seas
Put into port in Belize
He’d been there before
They’d shown him the door
“Can I look at some windows, this time? Please?”
-/-
It was the night before the next day and all through the house
The gossips were stirring – they’d bitch and they’d grouse
“The way things are going…”
“She was all for the knowing…”
And the worst of them all was sarky King Mouse!
-/-
The Last Limerick in a can of Gasoline is invariable almost completely water (as Scott found out to his utter disgust in his 3rd Arctic Limerick Expedition of late 1907).

Libellous Limericks for 28th September, 2014

what_lies_below
The WOTD
The ‘Word of the Day’ it is… ‘Celidh’*
In Scotland they have one almost daily
But elsewhere it’s rare
To dance, with nae a care,
The whirl and the jig rather gaily!-

*If you then sang out “Is it too late to say I’m sorry?” you get bonus points from me.
-/-
In the depths of the ocean there lies
A creature with a dozen small eyes
It is an iiiiiiiiiiicklius!
-/-
The crew of a boat on the sea
Only had one fish for their tea
The captain had taught
To throw back what you’d caught
And, not to keep that many, you see!
-/-
Gravity was a wonderful discovery
Without it we’d never drop a herring in a shrubbery
For fear it might fly
Right up to the sky
Though the flying fish is said to be lovely.

flying-fish
-/-
At the edge of the world is a sign
And a narrow white unbroken line
The sign it says ‘Stop!’
You must – or you’ll drop
But, if you turn back, I’m sure you’ll be fine.
-:-
A professor from Limerick University
Was studying biodiversity
His students were divided
And opinions collided
Which made it seem a hundred times worsity!
-/-

The AWOTD
The ‘Alternative Word of the Day’ it is… ‘Applause’
A show of hands that signify ‘fors’
But, if silence reigns,
Cools the blood in your veins,
Perhaps they ‘are’ fans, but, not yours!
-/-
When night falls bleak upon the land
And on your shoulder there is a hand
You must not cry
Best not to die
Just uppercut them and hope they understand.
-/-
Topsy-Turvy Limerick
In a fairy tale fine
On some such a line
At midnight a sonnet turned into a Limerick
The watchers were amazed – some felt quite sick –
And a few even thought it divine.
-:-
A mouse collecting rice for her young
Heard a sad song so softly sung
“A time to learn
Turn, turn, and turn”
And far away a church-bell was rung.
-/-
The music of the world is loud
The people of the world are proud
The music loud
The people proud
In Limericks this sort of thing is just not allowed!
-/-
Boys are bad and girls are good
This is not the truth! Is that understood?
Some girls are terrors;
And some lads make ‘no’ errors
But, they would do if they could!
-/-
A Limerick went to college to learn
Went once, then didn’t return;
A letter was sent
To ask his intent
The Limerick replied: “Why the concern?”
-/-
The end of the day is so near
That the night it just waits to appear
For those darkened hours
Have magical powers;
So at dusk the meek disappear.
-:-
A  Limerick in
A Haiku just doesn’t seem
To be right at all.
-/-
A Bonus Haiku-type Limerick
Doric Poetry,
From Aberdeen’s stone city –
Granite Verse for thee!
Gratis, complimentary;
There is no payee.
-/-

Listless Limericks for 27th September, 2014

Listless Limericks - 27th September 2014

The Way of the Limerick

The first line is always the worst;
Then the second line, which quickly follows the first;
Then is the third
The forth is then heard
And to come last the fifth line is eternally cursed!

-/-

The WOTD

The ‘Word of the Day’ it is… ‘Euphoric!!!

Which in Aberdeen is spoken in Doric

So, in the Aberdonian ‘Play of the Day’ which is…

Hamlet;  Hamlet doth say:

(To Horatio): ‘Alas, puir Yorick!”*

* (From Willam Shakespeare’s Danish Play -Aberdeen Ed.  ‘Alas, puir Yorick, Ah kent heem, Horatio; a fellaw ay infinite jest.’
-:-
A statue from Central Aberdeen
One night was sprayed fluorescent green
The police were confused
The public amused
But, to so paint the Prince Albert ‘was’ mean!
-/-
Whilst piloting Flight 612
The captain discovered a screw
Laying loose on the floor
Then he found three screws more
Then his false leg fell off – over Crewe!
-/-
The end of the world is Nigh!
So come let us all say goodbye!
“Cheerio!”
“Time to go!”
“We’re all of us going to die…!”… eventually!
-/-
The man who is writing these words
Refuses point-blank to shoot birds
Clay pigeons – yes.
He has pacifist aims, I guess
And he’s a poet, so he’s one of the nerds!
-/-
A Scotsman was wearing a quilt
Because of the food he had Spilt
It covered his knees,
his ankles, phalanges;
But, it nowhere near covered his guilt!*

(*at not wearing a kilt!)
-/-

The AWOTD

 The ‘Alternative Word of the Day’ it is… ‘Mistaken’

For I can’t understand what you mean by ‘taekin?

Am I ‘taekin’ two yews?

I’m not, please excuse –

I’m from the South, where old Daleks are all but forsaken!*

* It may help you to understand the above to know that it was written in Aberdeen where I had the great delight of having a conversation with a local chappie last night who clearly thought that he made perfect sense – I only heard that he was suffering from Hay-Fever (and not from visiting the Theatre) and that explained his situation. I think a fine 12-year-old Hay-Fever was more likely! I’m from the very south of England.

 -/-

Whilst writing a few of the above

The writer thought about his true love

At home with the pets

He hopes that she gets

A laugh from some of the above!

(to Jane x)

-/-

Note to the discernible reader: I do make all of these up for you, just you. I hope they bring a smile to your face, as they have to mine –  G:)

Lumpy Limericks for 25th September,2014

September Limericks 25th 2

-/-

A young lad from Ashby-de-la-Zouch
Was intending his girlfriend to smooch
He bought her some flowers
And counted down the hours
But, he never got so much as a touch (pronounced ‘Tooch!’)

-/-

There once was a driver from Coleraine
Who couldn’t drive his lorry in Spain
He’d stop at the border
In total disorder
And turn round and drive home again.

-/-

In the town where I was born
There is a man who stands forlorn
On a street
The night to greet
From late in the evening to early dawn.

-/-

A Limerick
That is quick
Will
Still
Be slick!

-/-

The ‘Word of the Day’ it is ‘Haunting’
To open creaky doors is so daunting
You shiver and shake
At the ghost in the lake
And the dismembered head that is taunting.

-/-

One dreary day in Aberdeen
A man dressed up as the queen
Nobody gave
Much heed to his wave;
From a bike, he’d no limousine!

-:-

Whilst out chasing mice in the garden,
A cat heard a low voice say “Pardon
Me, I too am a mouse, you see,
But crossed with boxing kangaroos
Our meekness for to harden.

-/-

A message to earth from deep space
Threatened the whole human race
“We will cleanse your planet
Of every John and his Janet
The way you’ve carried on’s a disgrace!”

-/-

Whilst preparing some carrots for lunch
A detective received a good hunch
If they were peeled and then plated
(A task instigated)
He could investigate how well they’d crunch!

-/-
Sandwich Lady on the set of a well known Shakespearean play Limerick
“To be or not to be
That is your question, you see;
Exist or desist –
But, can I add to my list
A ham or a lettuce sandwich for thee?”

-/-

The ‘Alternative Word of the Day’ it is… ‘Trouble’

Where confrontation and conflict burst your bubble

To argue the toss

To leave at a loss

To be at it hammer and tongs at the double!

-/-

A Limerick strolled into a Gothic story

Stood there like a lord in his glory

And said ” I am short –

“And sweet to the thought –

But, I’m more suited to something less gory!

-/-

A limerick was chatting to a friend

About how a good Limerick should end

The Haiku,  he said,

“Limerick! You should go quick!”

Into mirth descend!

-/-

A Limerick waltzed into a bar

– three quarters of the time.

-/-

Librarian Limericks for 24th September, 2014

A simple logo for "Ask a Librarian" service.LimerickS

The ‘Word of the Day’ it is… Disgraceful!

It is bad-manners whilst filling your face full

Of trifle and cake,

Cod fillet and hake,

And spraying the audience  – is this graceful?

-/-

A man from Cardigan did travel

In a jumper which did start to unravel

He headed due west

As he slowly undressed

And when got there… he was just in his vest!

(See what I did there – not many good rhymes for ‘Travel’ and I couldn’t fit ‘gravel’ in. G )

-/-

The end
My friend
Near
Here
END!

-/-

A man,
Called Stan;
Talked,
Walked,
Phoned his Nan.

-/-

Whilst cycling through Stockton-on-Tees
A cyclist lost track of his knees
He got off his bike
And said: “I dislike
Limericks! Can I have them back, please”

-/-

The centre of the Earth is quite hot
It is, believe it or not;
There is lava and such
Which is too hot to touch
And it’s a place where I’m glad I am not!

-/-

A great idea for a Limerick came into my head

Last night, as I was just getting ready for bed;

“I’ll remember it tomorrow!” I thought;

But today, to my sorrow, there’s nought!

So, you are stuck with this other one instead

-/-

The ‘Alternative Word of the Day’ it is… ‘glamour’

Which is truly fabulous to enamour;

Shiny and flash

You’ll cut a dash

If you just didn’t dress like your grammar.

-/-

There was a man from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch
Who lost his favourite sock
If it’s location you learn
Could you please return
It to him at no. 17 Church Place, Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch!

-/-

The trouble with writing a Limerick
Is that they are over so very quick
They are too short
Teaching us nought;
Such as how a ‘Moon-Clock’ is known as a ‘Lunatic!’

-/-

A Limerick bumped into a Bard
Who said “All your frivolity – discard!”
The Limerick sighed
And sadly replied:
“To be anything else would be hard.”

-/-

This is an ‘ironic’, not an ‘iconic’ Limerick

A Limerick is not just five lines in an aabba rhyme scheme

It is a vocation, a calling, a future from a dream

There is no other that puts

It’s poetry into foots

In the way that a well-written Limerick does!
-/-

A Limerick placed last in a list

Said: “I should really be first – I insist!”

But the writer was bland

To the  Limerick’s demand;

“Last you will go, please desist.”

-/-

Lilting Limericks for September 23rd, 2014

liltingLimerickS

-/-

The ‘Word of the Day’ it is… ‘Fidictious

A word I made up just like ‘Prediciamous’

It’s top of my list

Though it does not exist

As a present that I would like for Chrisiamious!

-/-

Limerick Inspired by So’ton (Southampton) Wrimos

There once were some writers from So’ton

Who were writing of lands long forgotten

Space ships in flight

Murder with spite

Or the best way to hurry the plot on.

-/-

A Limerick was once dedicated
To a man who limericks hated
But, even he had to laugh
About the telescopic giraffe
Who says that poetry is over-rated?

And now, I suppose, I will have to create a Limerick about a telescopic giraffe!  Wish me luck as you wave me… etc.

There once was a lonely giraffe
Who was sad, just refusing to laugh
But, his sight once myopic
Became telescopic
And he could see for a mile and a half.

Maybe… could be better.

There was a giraffe who was lonely
He looked for his one true and only
But, a keeper, Philanthropic,
Made ‘her’ neck telescopic;
And they lived together, quite homely.

Not the best end rhyme for line 5…

A giraffe with a telescopic neck
Said “The ups and downs make me a wreck!”
The keepers deducted
A neck-brace, which they constructed,
Would keep all that bobbing in check.

Not 100% happy yet, sorry!

A giraffe at the zoo had a plight
Something in his neck wasn’t right
It was the main topic-
A neck, telescopic!
It certainly gave the small children a fright!

-/-

A Limerick walked into a Septembar!

=/=

Graeme’s Ukulele song No.1 Limerick

Over the hills and far away

My busking love and I did play

We strummed from Spring until the end of Fall

Still came away with… bugger all!

(Oh,  my gosh, the language, I hear you say!!)

-/-

A Gentleman who hailed from Prestatyn

Caught a taxi – to put his new hat in

He followed behind

(He only had half a mind)

With a pet-carrier that he had his cat in!

-/-

One day, on the banks of the Seine

A French man become quite insane

He balanced some frogs

Upon two passing dogs

Then fell into the river – quite mad!

-/-