Tag Archives: Radio

Meanwhile, on Radio Radford… @RadioRadford

Meanwhile, on Radio Radford… @RadioRadford

“Hi! I’m Miles, from Anywhere.”

“And what do you want from me? Directions?”

“No! I’m Miles Ashton, from Anywhere.com – I called earlier, and spoke to… an ‘Amanda Lifeboats?’ “

“Ah, yes; that was me – I conveniently, for the purposes of this sketch, seem to have forgotten.”

“That’s right! That’s exactly what is says here on my script.”

“Where?”

“Just there – below the ‘Amanda Lifeboats’ section.”

“Ah, yes, there it is. So, he continues, what can I do for you, Miles from Anywhere, on this cold and lonely highway, nowhere at all near a blue hotel in California, dreaming of a white Christmas?”

“Could you play ‘Star-Trekkin’ ‘ by The Firm – it’s for my cousin Jack, he’s a Cornish astronaut.”

“A Cornish astronaut? There’s no such thing!”

“That’s okay, Cousin Jack is imaginary, too.”

“Right? Oh, well; here ‘is’ ‘Star Trekkin’ ‘ by The Firm. And Miles…?

“Yes?”

“It’s time for you to boldly go. Bye!”

“By-“

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Serious Poetry On The Radio

Serious Poetry On The Radio

I heard some serious poetry on the radio once; yes I was the one that heard the serious poetry; nobody else was listening; not to that station anyway; I was the sole listener, just me on my Tod, well I am a bit odd; I enjoyed the rhyme,

and, in time, will come back again after I have recovered from the mental pain of serious poetry.

Seriously! Serious poetry on the radio! It’s a big no no no no no no!

It won’t be found in most people’s book,

would you not give it a try, take a look, by, and bye!

Radio Real

Radio Real

Dee: I’m not sure what we should call it. I’ve thought of a few names: ‘The Smooth Sunday Show’, ‘The Soft Sunday Show’…

Jay: It’s not a range of toilet-rolls!

Dee: True. How about ‘The Sensuous Sunday Show’? Bit too exotic?

Jay: No, leave it to me, I have the ideal name.

ON AIR (the next Sunday)

GRAMS: Radio Reality Jingle

Dee: Hi, I’m Dee, and I’d like to welcome you to, ‘The Alliterative Sunday Show!’

Random Radio.

RANDOM RADIO

“Welcome to Random Radio – the station for all sorts of everything that reminds us of you!”

“And your presenters for this wonderful wonder of wonders are…”

“The inimitable Burt Bachabeyond and the luminous lump that is…”

“Moira Thisjame!”

“Giving you ‘Burt!’ “

“and Moira!”

“On ‘Random Radiooooooo!”

“And our first record of the day is the hundred metres hurdles (Ladies, obviously) which stands at… eighty-three point eight centimetres!”

“Marvellous, Burt! And, now, on with the show!”

GRAMS “RANDOM RADIO!!!!!”

“Let’s spin some vinyl – this is ‘Blue Monday’ by New Order.”

GRAMS ‘Blue Moon’ by The Marcels.

That Song (on the radio) #Radio

I heard that song on the radio;

you know,

the one that makes your legs move,

and lightens your mood,

creates a smile,

The moment you hear

those opening chords,

that riff,

the almost remembered words in the verse,

the chorus all too enthusiastically sung

only slightly out of tune…

…and gets you moving around the room

as if you had not a care in the world.

That song.

And then the song finishes

and you return

changed

rearranged

to your chores.

A Radio Sketch

image

Ann 1: And now we have for your delectation : Glen Miller in the nude

Ann 2: in the ‘Mood!’ You donk!

Grams (a poor kazoo version of In The Mood starts up, initially it’s soft and subtle; but, then…)

SD 1 (just after it starts; before it goes bad) Ah, nice.

SD After a few moments Ann 2 states

Ann 2: That’s not Glenn Miller.

Ann 1: But, he is in the nude. Hey, mate; give it a rest, that’s fair doing my ears in… and it’s not doing much for my eyes, either. Get some togs on, will ya?

Ann 2: Did you book him?

Ann 1: If I was a cop I’d book him for something. I thought he was a sure winner; Glen Miller is very popular.

Ann 2: He died in 1945.

Ann 1: I thought he was younger. Just goes to show.

Ann 2: Show ‘what’ Exactly?

Ann 1: That you can’t judge a book by its cover.

Ann 2: Fair enough. Glenn?

Glen: It’s ‘Glen’ not ‘Glenn’.

Ann 2: Whatever. How old are you?

Glen: Forty-three, give or take.

Ann 2: Okay. I’ll ‘give’ you some advice; then you can ‘take’ it away with you. Sound fair?

Glen: Sounds fair to me.

Ann 2: Don’t give up the day job – and please don’t tell me that ‘this’ is it.

Glen: Certainly not, Madam. I am a qualified chartered accountant.

Ann 2: Figures.

Glen: Precisely.

Ann 2: Oh, well; good luck with that. And back to the show. Craig?

Ann 1: Thank you: and now ‘You can leave your hat on…’

Ann 2: Good grief.

Ann 1: By Tim Jones.

End.

#dialogueforaplay – The Play Starts Here!

hash-tag dialogueforaplay

#dialogueforaplay (for Radio Show)
Cast (in order of appearance – smartest first!)
Narr 1
Narr 2
Narr 3
Narr 4
Harold
Laura
Dr 1
Dr Protocol
DC Acey

SFX Murder Mystery Music

Narrator 1: The ‘Toe-in-the-Water Radio Show’ is proud to present… The Lost Camel Theatre Group, who are proudly presenting…

Narrator 2: Act 1 Scene 1 of a 1 act, 1 scene play, cunningly entitled:

Narrator 3: A Murder Is Pronounced ‘Mur-derrr!’

Narrator 4: ‘or’

Narr 1: The Old Biddy in the Library

Narr 4: ‘or’

Narr 2: Death Comes Right at the Very End

Narr 4: Or… (There is a pause) No? (A shorter pause) Anyway, whatever it is called, it all begins, takes place, and ends in the living room of Whom Manor.

Narr 1: Which is ‘grammatically’ correct

Narr 2: if not at all relevant…

Narr 3: or particularly interesting

Narr 4: Act 1, Scene 1: The action starts, as I say, in an English Country House – Whom Manor.

SFX making drinks, with clinks etc.

Harold: We seem to be out of lemons!

Laura: Really?

Harold: Yes! I wanted ‘ice and a slice’ in my drink!

Laura: Oh, Harold! If you really need a lemon I can send out.

Harold: No, Laura- if a man wants something done properly he should just get on and do it.

Laura: Really? Harold…?

Harold: Yes, Laura, what is it, old bean?

Laura: Oh! Nothing, I’ll make you a drink.(aside) It will be your last!

Laura: (hands Harold a drink) Here you go. Bottoms up!

Harold: Thanks, old sausage! (takes a large swig) Aaaaaaargh!

Narr 4: Harold keels over, then dies.

Laura: A little concoction of mine – A very stiff drink – Gin with a side order of starch!

Narr 4: A man enters the scene

Doctor 1: You called for a doctor?

Laura: No.

Dr 1: I came anyway. Is this the stiff?

Laura: Yes…

Dr 1: He’s dead!

Laura: You ‘are’ a doctor!

Dr 1: I know! I went to Doctoring School for an absolute age. It was Hell!

Laura: What are we to do?

Dr 1: I think that we should call another doctor.

Laura: Protocol?

Dr 1: Yes! Dr. Protocol!

Narr 4: Another man arrives

Dr Protocol: You called?

Dr 1: We did.

Dr P: I am here. Is this the stiff?

Dr 1: No, that’s Laura!

Laura: (miffed) Excuse me. I am suffering with shock and trauma from the loss of a close one.

Dr P: How close?

Laura: I don’t know – I have no spatial awareness.

Dr 1: What? Should we call the police?

Dr P: The ‘Police!’

Narr 4: A ‘third’ Man arrives

DC Acey: I am the police.

Laura: I thought there would be more of you.

DC Acey: I’ve been dieting.

Dr 1: Can I be called Doctor 1 now? It’s all rather confusing.

Laura: Certainly, Doctor 1 – If that is your ‘real’ name!

DC Acey: And I am DC Acey – and no puns on that or I shall have to nick you; with this penknife!

Laura: Charming!

Dr 1: Can you provide a second opinion, Dr. Protocol?

Dr P: It usually takes longer, but I shall try… he’s dead!

DC Acey: Well done! Now, I must carry out some preliminary tasks. Firstly: Hello, hello, hello!

Omnes: Hello!

DC Acey: Is this the stiff?

Dr 1: No, that’s Laura!

Laura: Really!

DC Acey: Sorry, miss, if you’d move about a bit more.

Dr P: I can say nothing more… But, I can see no cause for the deceased’s death – apart from a lack of breathing!

Laura: Are you really a doctor?

DC Acey: No, Miss, I am a Detective Constable! These two, however…

Laura: Sorry!

Dr 1: Would a knife sticking into his back be… a clue to his probable death?

Dr P: Yes – is there one?

Dr 1: No.

Narr 4: There is a lull in the proceedings while everyone considers what has happened.

DC Acey: Ummm!

Laura: Don’t you have to draw around the body now?

DC Acey: Yes – that’s a plan!

Dr. 1: Should I call an ambulance?

DC Acey: You should, yes.

Dr 1: (trying to add to the tension) But, will I?

DC Acey: Yes, you will; stop being a prat!

Laura: Doctor?

Dr 1 and Dr P and DC Acey: Yes, Laura?

Laura: Dr Protocol?

DR P: Yes, Laura?

Laura: I’ve been getting these pains in my chest – would you like to take a look?

DC Acey: I’m not sure that is a good idea!

Dr P: Why not?

DC Acey: Because Laura is hiding a secret!

Laura: I am?

SFX Dramatic Music

Laura: Yes, it’s true! I have a deep, dark secret. Nobody has realised that I am not Laura, but…

Narr 4: To be continued!

SFX Murder Mystery Music

Narr 4: That was episode 1 of Act 1, Scene 1…

Narr 3: …of a 1 act, 1 scene play, entitled…

Narr 2: The Clue is in the Questioning…

Narr 4: Or…

Narr 1: Murder is only ‘Red Rum’ reversed.

Narr 4: Or…

SD (Gradually fades out)

Narr 3: Is this a dagger I see… in me?

Narr 4: Or…

Narr 2: Where there’s a will, there’s an alibi!

Narr 4: Or…

Narr 1: Ouch!

Music to End.