Tag Archives: Radio

All those comedy shows from long ago on the radio… – a song.

(Aka ‘I still hear your voice’)

I still hear your voice

on the radio,

though you died, in reality,

a long time ago,

a-ah-hah!

a-ah-hah.

Radio Thymes

Radio Thymes

A lone guitarist on the battlements of Edinburgh castle is playing the end section of Norwegian Wood – possibly upon the steam-powered bagpipes.

Announcer:

That was Norwegian Wood by that 1960s pop-combo The Beatles, from their 1967 long-playing album, Rubber Soul, side 1, track 2 written by George Lennon and Ringo McCartney.

… and now…

GRAMS strange noises and curious words randomly placed in the time and space available.

Meanwhile, on Radio Radford… @RadioRadford

Meanwhile, on Radio Radford… @RadioRadford

“Hi! I’m Miles, from Anywhere.”

“And what do you want from me? Directions?”

“No! I’m Miles Ashton, from Anywhere.com – I called earlier, and spoke to… an ‘Amanda Lifeboats?’ “

“Ah, yes; that was me – I conveniently, for the purposes of this sketch, seem to have forgotten.”

“That’s right! That’s exactly what is says here on my script.”

“Where?”

“Just there – below the ‘Amanda Lifeboats’ section.”

“Ah, yes, there it is. So, he continues, what can I do for you, Miles from Anywhere, on this cold and lonely highway, nowhere at all near a blue hotel in California, dreaming of a white Christmas?”

“Could you play ‘Star-Trekkin’ ‘ by The Firm – it’s for my cousin Jack, he’s a Cornish astronaut.”

“A Cornish astronaut? There’s no such thing!”

“That’s okay, Cousin Jack is imaginary, too.”

“Right? Oh, well; here ‘is’ ‘Star Trekkin’ ‘ by The Firm. And Miles…?

“Yes?”

“It’s time for you to boldly go. Bye!”

“By-“

Serious Poetry On The Radio

Serious Poetry On The Radio

I heard some serious poetry on the radio once; yes I was the one that heard the serious poetry; nobody else was listening; not to that station anyway; I was the sole listener, just me on my Tod, well I am a bit odd; I enjoyed the rhyme,

and, in time, will come back again after I have recovered from the mental pain of serious poetry.

Seriously! Serious poetry on the radio! It’s a big no no no no no no!

It won’t be found in most people’s book,

would you not give it a try, take a look, by, and bye!

Radio Real

Radio Real

Dee: I’m not sure what we should call it. I’ve thought of a few names: ‘The Smooth Sunday Show’, ‘The Soft Sunday Show’…

Jay: It’s not a range of toilet-rolls!

Dee: True. How about ‘The Sensuous Sunday Show’? Bit too exotic?

Jay: No, leave it to me, I have the ideal name.

ON AIR (the next Sunday)

GRAMS: Radio Reality Jingle

Dee: Hi, I’m Dee, and I’d like to welcome you to, ‘The Alliterative Sunday Show!’

Random Radio.

RANDOM RADIO

“Welcome to Random Radio – the station for all sorts of everything that reminds us of you!”

“And your presenters for this wonderful wonder of wonders are…”

“The inimitable Burt Bachabeyond and the luminous lump that is…”

“Moira Thisjame!”

“Giving you ‘Burt!’ “

“and Moira!”

“On ‘Random Radiooooooo!”

“And our first record of the day is the hundred metres hurdles (Ladies, obviously) which stands at… eighty-three point eight centimetres!”

“Marvellous, Burt! And, now, on with the show!”

GRAMS “RANDOM RADIO!!!!!”

“Let’s spin some vinyl – this is ‘Blue Monday’ by New Order.”

GRAMS ‘Blue Moon’ by The Marcels.

That Song (on the radio) #Radio

I heard that song on the radio;

you know,

the one that makes your legs move,

and lightens your mood,

creates a smile,

The moment you hear

those opening chords,

that riff,

the almost remembered words in the verse,

the chorus all too enthusiastically sung

only slightly out of tune…

…and gets you moving around the room

as if you had not a care in the world.

That song.

And then the song finishes

and you return

changed

rearranged

to your chores.

A Radio Sketch

image

Ann 1: And now we have for your delectation : Glen Miller in the nude

Ann 2: in the ‘Mood!’ You donk!

Grams (a poor kazoo version of In The Mood starts up, initially it’s soft and subtle; but, then…)

SD 1 (just after it starts; before it goes bad) Ah, nice.

SD After a few moments Ann 2 states

Ann 2: That’s not Glenn Miller.

Ann 1: But, he is in the nude. Hey, mate; give it a rest, that’s fair doing my ears in… and it’s not doing much for my eyes, either. Get some togs on, will ya?

Ann 2: Did you book him?

Ann 1: If I was a cop I’d book him for something. I thought he was a sure winner; Glen Miller is very popular.

Ann 2: He died in 1945.

Ann 1: I thought he was younger. Just goes to show.

Ann 2: Show ‘what’ Exactly?

Ann 1: That you can’t judge a book by its cover.

Ann 2: Fair enough. Glenn?

Glen: It’s ‘Glen’ not ‘Glenn’.

Ann 2: Whatever. How old are you?

Glen: Forty-three, give or take.

Ann 2: Okay. I’ll ‘give’ you some advice; then you can ‘take’ it away with you. Sound fair?

Glen: Sounds fair to me.

Ann 2: Don’t give up the day job – and please don’t tell me that ‘this’ is it.

Glen: Certainly not, Madam. I am a qualified chartered accountant.

Ann 2: Figures.

Glen: Precisely.

Ann 2: Oh, well; good luck with that. And back to the show. Craig?

Ann 1: Thank you: and now ‘You can leave your hat on…’

Ann 2: Good grief.

Ann 1: By Tim Jones.

End.

#dialogueforaplay – The Play Starts Here!

hash-tag dialogueforaplay

#dialogueforaplay (for Radio Show)
Cast (in order of appearance – smartest first!)
Narr 1
Narr 2
Narr 3
Narr 4
Harold
Laura
Dr 1
Dr Protocol
DC Acey

SFX Murder Mystery Music

Narrator 1: The ‘Toe-in-the-Water Radio Show’ is proud to present… The Lost Camel Theatre Group, who are proudly presenting…

Narrator 2: Act 1 Scene 1 of a 1 act, 1 scene play, cunningly entitled:

Narrator 3: A Murder Is Pronounced ‘Mur-derrr!’

Narrator 4: ‘or’

Narr 1: The Old Biddy in the Library

Narr 4: ‘or’

Narr 2: Death Comes Right at the Very End

Narr 4: Or… (There is a pause) No? (A shorter pause) Anyway, whatever it is called, it all begins, takes place, and ends in the living room of Whom Manor.

Narr 1: Which is ‘grammatically’ correct

Narr 2: if not at all relevant…

Narr 3: or particularly interesting

Narr 4: Act 1, Scene 1: The action starts, as I say, in an English Country House – Whom Manor.

SFX making drinks, with clinks etc.

Harold: We seem to be out of lemons!

Laura: Really?

Harold: Yes! I wanted ‘ice and a slice’ in my drink!

Laura: Oh, Harold! If you really need a lemon I can send out.

Harold: No, Laura- if a man wants something done properly he should just get on and do it.

Laura: Really? Harold…?

Harold: Yes, Laura, what is it, old bean?

Laura: Oh! Nothing, I’ll make you a drink.(aside) It will be your last!

Laura: (hands Harold a drink) Here you go. Bottoms up!

Harold: Thanks, old sausage! (takes a large swig) Aaaaaaargh!

Narr 4: Harold keels over, then dies.

Laura: A little concoction of mine – A very stiff drink – Gin with a side order of starch!

Narr 4: A man enters the scene

Doctor 1: You called for a doctor?

Laura: No.

Dr 1: I came anyway. Is this the stiff?

Laura: Yes…

Dr 1: He’s dead!

Laura: You ‘are’ a doctor!

Dr 1: I know! I went to Doctoring School for an absolute age. It was Hell!

Laura: What are we to do?

Dr 1: I think that we should call another doctor.

Laura: Protocol?

Dr 1: Yes! Dr. Protocol!

Narr 4: Another man arrives

Dr Protocol: You called?

Dr 1: We did.

Dr P: I am here. Is this the stiff?

Dr 1: No, that’s Laura!

Laura: (miffed) Excuse me. I am suffering with shock and trauma from the loss of a close one.

Dr P: How close?

Laura: I don’t know – I have no spatial awareness.

Dr 1: What? Should we call the police?

Dr P: The ‘Police!’

Narr 4: A ‘third’ Man arrives

DC Acey: I am the police.

Laura: I thought there would be more of you.

DC Acey: I’ve been dieting.

Dr 1: Can I be called Doctor 1 now? It’s all rather confusing.

Laura: Certainly, Doctor 1 – If that is your ‘real’ name!

DC Acey: And I am DC Acey – and no puns on that or I shall have to nick you; with this penknife!

Laura: Charming!

Dr 1: Can you provide a second opinion, Dr. Protocol?

Dr P: It usually takes longer, but I shall try… he’s dead!

DC Acey: Well done! Now, I must carry out some preliminary tasks. Firstly: Hello, hello, hello!

Omnes: Hello!

DC Acey: Is this the stiff?

Dr 1: No, that’s Laura!

Laura: Really!

DC Acey: Sorry, miss, if you’d move about a bit more.

Dr P: I can say nothing more… But, I can see no cause for the deceased’s death – apart from a lack of breathing!

Laura: Are you really a doctor?

DC Acey: No, Miss, I am a Detective Constable! These two, however…

Laura: Sorry!

Dr 1: Would a knife sticking into his back be… a clue to his probable death?

Dr P: Yes – is there one?

Dr 1: No.

Narr 4: There is a lull in the proceedings while everyone considers what has happened.

DC Acey: Ummm!

Laura: Don’t you have to draw around the body now?

DC Acey: Yes – that’s a plan!

Dr. 1: Should I call an ambulance?

DC Acey: You should, yes.

Dr 1: (trying to add to the tension) But, will I?

DC Acey: Yes, you will; stop being a prat!

Laura: Doctor?

Dr 1 and Dr P and DC Acey: Yes, Laura?

Laura: Dr Protocol?

DR P: Yes, Laura?

Laura: I’ve been getting these pains in my chest – would you like to take a look?

DC Acey: I’m not sure that is a good idea!

Dr P: Why not?

DC Acey: Because Laura is hiding a secret!

Laura: I am?

SFX Dramatic Music

Laura: Yes, it’s true! I have a deep, dark secret. Nobody has realised that I am not Laura, but…

Narr 4: To be continued!

SFX Murder Mystery Music

Narr 4: That was episode 1 of Act 1, Scene 1…

Narr 3: …of a 1 act, 1 scene play, entitled…

Narr 2: The Clue is in the Questioning…

Narr 4: Or…

Narr 1: Murder is only ‘Red Rum’ reversed.

Narr 4: Or…

SD (Gradually fades out)

Narr 3: Is this a dagger I see… in me?

Narr 4: Or…

Narr 2: Where there’s a will, there’s an alibi!

Narr 4: Or…

Narr 1: Ouch!

Music to End.

Radio Show Script April 2015

image

Announcer: …and it’s rapidly approaching three o’clock here on Radio Fourply, when we shall be travelling back in time to the cruel North Atlantic Ocean at the height of the Second World War, in this afternoon’s play: Convoy ON 42

SFX The Pips
pip
pip
pip
pip
pip
piiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii (continues)

Voice: Oh, no! The radio has died. Crash Team!

SFX medical noises

Voice: Dial 360. Clear!

SFX defibrillator noises

pip
pip
pip
pip
Voice (over pips): It’s back – good job, team.
pip
piiiiiiip!

SFX sea noises (wind and rain)

Announcer: it is Nineteen-forty-one, we find ourselves on board the doughty HMS Mallard, somewhere in the North Atlantic Ocean.

SFX fade in Morse Code

In the radio room a message is being received

SFX Morse Code (continues for a few seconds and then ends)

Radio Officer: Well, I’ll be- (speaks into voice tube to Captain) Captain; we’ve just received a message from the Admiral.

Captain (with voice tube effect): What does it say, Sparker?

RO: I have no idea, Captain; the Morse is quite correct – I checked it twice – but, the message must also be in code. It just doesn’t make sense.

Capt.: Let me here it, Sparkers; see if we can fathom it out.

RO: Okay. It says… ‘We meet at the edge of the pond… for the sake of the ducks.’

Capt.: The ‘ducks?!’

RO: Precisely.

Capt.: Very strange. The ‘Pond’ could refer to the Atlantic ocean, and ‘we’ could be the ‘sitting ducks…’ Let me have a copy, I’ll work on it.

RO: Aye, aye, Captain.

Announcer: Meanwhile, close by, in the German üntersea-boat, U-471…

German Radio Officer: Herr Kapitän; we haff intercepted a message in ze Morse code from the Englisher fleet.

Kapitän: Ver Gut! Haff you translated it?

German Radio Officer: Yah! Herr Kapitän, I have used our special new decryption methods (unt a pencil and paper); but, I think that zay may haff used ze code words as well.

Kapitän: Ver cunning. Read it out, unt let us see.

German Radio Officer: Ja wohl, Herr Kapitän; it says: (slowly) ‘Ve meet at ze edge of ze pond; for ze sake of ze ducks!’

Kapitän: Ze ‘ducks!?’

German Radio Officer: Ja! Zat is ze message, Herr Kapitän.

Kapitän: Mmm, let me think upon it. These darn cunning Englishers.

Announcer: And that is why the Allies ultimately won the Battle of the Atlantic – with the help of the ducks!

All: The Ducks!!!!

Announcer: That was Convoy ON42; which is now available as a downloadable podcast.

Next on Radio Fourply – The Arts!

2nd Announcer: The Theatre is alive and the Bard is still relevant in this modern age; so let us listen in to a performance at The Rose Theatre, London with eminent thespian, Sir Wanton Thameside upon the stage before an enraptured audience. We find Sir Wanton as Henry V the night before Agincourt…

SD fade into Henry V speech

Sir Wanton:
‘And Crispin Crispian shall ne’er go by,
From this day to the ending of the world,
But we in it shall be remembered-
We few, we happy few, we band of brothers;
For he to-day that sheds his blood with me
Shall be my brother…’

Heckler 1: Rubbish!
Heckler 2: Get off!
Sir Wanton: What do you mean ‘Rubbish!’ It’s the Bard – Shakespeare!
Heckler 1: it’s a bit high-brow; why don’t you do one of the classics?
Sir Wanton: One of ‘the Classics!’ Did you have anything in mind?
Heckler 3: Do ‘The Ducks!’
Heckler 1: Yeah! Do ‘The Ducks!’
Heckler 2: We want ‘The Ducks!’ We want ‘The Ducks!’
SD Heckler 1 and 3 join in as does the rest of the audience.
Sir Wanton: Enough! Enough!
SD: The audience vocalisation of ‘We want ‘The Ducks!’ subsides (with a few ‘quacks!’ here and there).
Sir Wanton: Oh, very well; but, I shall expect a standing ovation at the very least!
SD A quiet descends.

Sir Wanton: We meet… at the edge of the pond… for the sake of the ducks.

Audience: The Ducks!

The End

PS if you have no idea what is going on in the above (and that is quite probable) I shall put Paul ‘Haribo’ Bailey’s ‘We Feed The Ducks’ to help. First performed in 2013, WFtD has become a classic in our concentric circles. Please enjoy. G:)

We Feed the Ducks

We meet at the edge of the pond
For the sake of the ducks
THE DUCKS!
The Ducks must come first
THE DUCKS!
How we love to feed the Ducks
THE DUCKS!

And now the wretched come
THE YOUNG PEOPLE!
With their tracksuits
THE YOUNG PEOPLE!
And their ringtones
HORRORS!
They Push Alfred in the pond
FIENDS!
They Ride upon Stanley’s mobility scooter
And readjust his adjustable seat
REVENGE!
Wendy, bless her she’s not as young as she was
She only succeeds in stabbing and drowning one of the scallywags
The others flee
How they flee
Like the cowards they are
Wendy lets them run
The ducks have their blood offering now
THE DUCKS!

Paul Bailey
February 2013

ps