Tag Archives: Radio

Random Radio.


“Welcome to Random Radio – the station for all sorts of everything that reminds us of you!”

“And your presenters for this wonderful wonder of wonders are…”

“The inimitable Burt Bachabeyond and the luminous lump that is…”

“Moira Thisjame!”

“Giving you ‘Burt!’ “

“and Moira!”

“On ‘Random Radiooooooo!”

“And our first record of the day is the hundred metres hurdles (Ladies, obviously) which stands at… eighty-three point eight centimetres!”

“Marvellous, Burt! And, now, on with the show!”


“Let’s spin some vinyl – this is ‘Blue Monday’ by New Order.”

GRAMS ‘Blue Moon’ by The Marcels.


That Song (on the radio) #Radio

I heard that song on the radio;

you know,

the one that makes your legs move,

and lightens your mood,

creates a smile,

The moment you hear

those opening chords,

that riff,

the almost remembered words in the verse,

the chorus all too enthusiastically sung

only slightly out of tune…

…and gets you moving around the room

as if you had not a care in the world.

That song.

And then the song finishes

and you return



to your chores.

A Radio Sketch


Ann 1: And now we have for your delectation : Glen Miller in the nude

Ann 2: in the ‘Mood!’ You donk!

Grams (a poor kazoo version of In The Mood starts up, initially it’s soft and subtle; but, then…)

SD 1 (just after it starts; before it goes bad) Ah, nice.

SD After a few moments Ann 2 states

Ann 2: That’s not Glenn Miller.

Ann 1: But, he is in the nude. Hey, mate; give it a rest, that’s fair doing my ears in… and it’s not doing much for my eyes, either. Get some togs on, will ya?

Ann 2: Did you book him?

Ann 1: If I was a cop I’d book him for something. I thought he was a sure winner; Glen Miller is very popular.

Ann 2: He died in 1945.

Ann 1: I thought he was younger. Just goes to show.

Ann 2: Show ‘what’ Exactly?

Ann 1: That you can’t judge a book by its cover.

Ann 2: Fair enough. Glenn?

Glen: It’s ‘Glen’ not ‘Glenn’.

Ann 2: Whatever. How old are you?

Glen: Forty-three, give or take.

Ann 2: Okay. I’ll ‘give’ you some advice; then you can ‘take’ it away with you. Sound fair?

Glen: Sounds fair to me.

Ann 2: Don’t give up the day job – and please don’t tell me that ‘this’ is it.

Glen: Certainly not, Madam. I am a qualified chartered accountant.

Ann 2: Figures.

Glen: Precisely.

Ann 2: Oh, well; good luck with that. And back to the show. Craig?

Ann 1: Thank you: and now ‘You can leave your hat on…’

Ann 2: Good grief.

Ann 1: By Tim Jones.


#dialogueforaplay – The Play Starts Here!

hash-tag dialogueforaplay

#dialogueforaplay (for Radio Show)
Cast (in order of appearance – smartest first!)
Narr 1
Narr 2
Narr 3
Narr 4
Dr 1
Dr Protocol
DC Acey

SFX Murder Mystery Music

Narrator 1: The ‘Toe-in-the-Water Radio Show’ is proud to present… The Lost Camel Theatre Group, who are proudly presenting…

Narrator 2: Act 1 Scene 1 of a 1 act, 1 scene play, cunningly entitled:

Narrator 3: A Murder Is Pronounced ‘Mur-derrr!’

Narrator 4: ‘or’

Narr 1: The Old Biddy in the Library

Narr 4: ‘or’

Narr 2: Death Comes Right at the Very End

Narr 4: Or… (There is a pause) No? (A shorter pause) Anyway, whatever it is called, it all begins, takes place, and ends in the living room of Whom Manor.

Narr 1: Which is ‘grammatically’ correct

Narr 2: if not at all relevant…

Narr 3: or particularly interesting

Narr 4: Act 1, Scene 1: The action starts, as I say, in an English Country House – Whom Manor.

SFX making drinks, with clinks etc.

Harold: We seem to be out of lemons!

Laura: Really?

Harold: Yes! I wanted ‘ice and a slice’ in my drink!

Laura: Oh, Harold! If you really need a lemon I can send out.

Harold: No, Laura- if a man wants something done properly he should just get on and do it.

Laura: Really? Harold…?

Harold: Yes, Laura, what is it, old bean?

Laura: Oh! Nothing, I’ll make you a drink.(aside) It will be your last!

Laura: (hands Harold a drink) Here you go. Bottoms up!

Harold: Thanks, old sausage! (takes a large swig) Aaaaaaargh!

Narr 4: Harold keels over, then dies.

Laura: A little concoction of mine – A very stiff drink – Gin with a side order of starch!

Narr 4: A man enters the scene

Doctor 1: You called for a doctor?

Laura: No.

Dr 1: I came anyway. Is this the stiff?

Laura: Yes…

Dr 1: He’s dead!

Laura: You ‘are’ a doctor!

Dr 1: I know! I went to Doctoring School for an absolute age. It was Hell!

Laura: What are we to do?

Dr 1: I think that we should call another doctor.

Laura: Protocol?

Dr 1: Yes! Dr. Protocol!

Narr 4: Another man arrives

Dr Protocol: You called?

Dr 1: We did.

Dr P: I am here. Is this the stiff?

Dr 1: No, that’s Laura!

Laura: (miffed) Excuse me. I am suffering with shock and trauma from the loss of a close one.

Dr P: How close?

Laura: I don’t know – I have no spatial awareness.

Dr 1: What? Should we call the police?

Dr P: The ‘Police!’

Narr 4: A ‘third’ Man arrives

DC Acey: I am the police.

Laura: I thought there would be more of you.

DC Acey: I’ve been dieting.

Dr 1: Can I be called Doctor 1 now? It’s all rather confusing.

Laura: Certainly, Doctor 1 – If that is your ‘real’ name!

DC Acey: And I am DC Acey – and no puns on that or I shall have to nick you; with this penknife!

Laura: Charming!

Dr 1: Can you provide a second opinion, Dr. Protocol?

Dr P: It usually takes longer, but I shall try… he’s dead!

DC Acey: Well done! Now, I must carry out some preliminary tasks. Firstly: Hello, hello, hello!

Omnes: Hello!

DC Acey: Is this the stiff?

Dr 1: No, that’s Laura!

Laura: Really!

DC Acey: Sorry, miss, if you’d move about a bit more.

Dr P: I can say nothing more… But, I can see no cause for the deceased’s death – apart from a lack of breathing!

Laura: Are you really a doctor?

DC Acey: No, Miss, I am a Detective Constable! These two, however…

Laura: Sorry!

Dr 1: Would a knife sticking into his back be… a clue to his probable death?

Dr P: Yes – is there one?

Dr 1: No.

Narr 4: There is a lull in the proceedings while everyone considers what has happened.

DC Acey: Ummm!

Laura: Don’t you have to draw around the body now?

DC Acey: Yes – that’s a plan!

Dr. 1: Should I call an ambulance?

DC Acey: You should, yes.

Dr 1: (trying to add to the tension) But, will I?

DC Acey: Yes, you will; stop being a prat!

Laura: Doctor?

Dr 1 and Dr P and DC Acey: Yes, Laura?

Laura: Dr Protocol?

DR P: Yes, Laura?

Laura: I’ve been getting these pains in my chest – would you like to take a look?

DC Acey: I’m not sure that is a good idea!

Dr P: Why not?

DC Acey: Because Laura is hiding a secret!

Laura: I am?

SFX Dramatic Music

Laura: Yes, it’s true! I have a deep, dark secret. Nobody has realised that I am not Laura, but…

Narr 4: To be continued!

SFX Murder Mystery Music

Narr 4: That was episode 1 of Act 1, Scene 1…

Narr 3: …of a 1 act, 1 scene play, entitled…

Narr 2: The Clue is in the Questioning…

Narr 4: Or…

Narr 1: Murder is only ‘Red Rum’ reversed.

Narr 4: Or…

SD (Gradually fades out)

Narr 3: Is this a dagger I see… in me?

Narr 4: Or…

Narr 2: Where there’s a will, there’s an alibi!

Narr 4: Or…

Narr 1: Ouch!

Music to End.

Radio Show Script April 2015


Announcer: …and it’s rapidly approaching three o’clock here on Radio Fourply, when we shall be travelling back in time to the cruel North Atlantic Ocean at the height of the Second World War, in this afternoon’s play: Convoy ON 42

SFX The Pips
piiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii (continues)

Voice: Oh, no! The radio has died. Crash Team!

SFX medical noises

Voice: Dial 360. Clear!

SFX defibrillator noises

Voice (over pips): It’s back – good job, team.

SFX sea noises (wind and rain)

Announcer: it is Nineteen-forty-one, we find ourselves on board the doughty HMS Mallard, somewhere in the North Atlantic Ocean.

SFX fade in Morse Code

In the radio room a message is being received

SFX Morse Code (continues for a few seconds and then ends)

Radio Officer: Well, I’ll be- (speaks into voice tube to Captain) Captain; we’ve just received a message from the Admiral.

Captain (with voice tube effect): What does it say, Sparker?

RO: I have no idea, Captain; the Morse is quite correct – I checked it twice – but, the message must also be in code. It just doesn’t make sense.

Capt.: Let me here it, Sparkers; see if we can fathom it out.

RO: Okay. It says… ‘We meet at the edge of the pond… for the sake of the ducks.’

Capt.: The ‘ducks?!’

RO: Precisely.

Capt.: Very strange. The ‘Pond’ could refer to the Atlantic ocean, and ‘we’ could be the ‘sitting ducks…’ Let me have a copy, I’ll work on it.

RO: Aye, aye, Captain.

Announcer: Meanwhile, close by, in the German üntersea-boat, U-471…

German Radio Officer: Herr Kapitän; we haff intercepted a message in ze Morse code from the Englisher fleet.

Kapitän: Ver Gut! Haff you translated it?

German Radio Officer: Yah! Herr Kapitän, I have used our special new decryption methods (unt a pencil and paper); but, I think that zay may haff used ze code words as well.

Kapitän: Ver cunning. Read it out, unt let us see.

German Radio Officer: Ja wohl, Herr Kapitän; it says: (slowly) ‘Ve meet at ze edge of ze pond; for ze sake of ze ducks!’

Kapitän: Ze ‘ducks!?’

German Radio Officer: Ja! Zat is ze message, Herr Kapitän.

Kapitän: Mmm, let me think upon it. These darn cunning Englishers.

Announcer: And that is why the Allies ultimately won the Battle of the Atlantic – with the help of the ducks!

All: The Ducks!!!!

Announcer: That was Convoy ON42; which is now available as a downloadable podcast.

Next on Radio Fourply – The Arts!

2nd Announcer: The Theatre is alive and the Bard is still relevant in this modern age; so let us listen in to a performance at The Rose Theatre, London with eminent thespian, Sir Wanton Thameside upon the stage before an enraptured audience. We find Sir Wanton as Henry V the night before Agincourt…

SD fade into Henry V speech

Sir Wanton:
‘And Crispin Crispian shall ne’er go by,
From this day to the ending of the world,
But we in it shall be remembered-
We few, we happy few, we band of brothers;
For he to-day that sheds his blood with me
Shall be my brother…’

Heckler 1: Rubbish!
Heckler 2: Get off!
Sir Wanton: What do you mean ‘Rubbish!’ It’s the Bard – Shakespeare!
Heckler 1: it’s a bit high-brow; why don’t you do one of the classics?
Sir Wanton: One of ‘the Classics!’ Did you have anything in mind?
Heckler 3: Do ‘The Ducks!’
Heckler 1: Yeah! Do ‘The Ducks!’
Heckler 2: We want ‘The Ducks!’ We want ‘The Ducks!’
SD Heckler 1 and 3 join in as does the rest of the audience.
Sir Wanton: Enough! Enough!
SD: The audience vocalisation of ‘We want ‘The Ducks!’ subsides (with a few ‘quacks!’ here and there).
Sir Wanton: Oh, very well; but, I shall expect a standing ovation at the very least!
SD A quiet descends.

Sir Wanton: We meet… at the edge of the pond… for the sake of the ducks.

Audience: The Ducks!

The End

PS if you have no idea what is going on in the above (and that is quite probable) I shall put Paul ‘Haribo’ Bailey’s ‘We Feed The Ducks’ to help. First performed in 2013, WFtD has become a classic in our concentric circles. Please enjoy. G:)

We Feed the Ducks

We meet at the edge of the pond
For the sake of the ducks
The Ducks must come first
How we love to feed the Ducks

And now the wretched come
With their tracksuits
And their ringtones
They Push Alfred in the pond
They Ride upon Stanley’s mobility scooter
And readjust his adjustable seat
Wendy, bless her she’s not as young as she was
She only succeeds in stabbing and drowning one of the scallywags
The others flee
How they flee
Like the cowards they are
Wendy lets them run
The ducks have their blood offering now

Paul Bailey
February 2013


Traffic Update (Radio Oxford)


    Traffic Update (Oxford Radio) Radio Sketch

Linda (end of an item): … and they were both inextricably locked together at the end of play.

Announcer: Which would just about wrap it up for the both of them. Thank you, Linda. Now, it’s time for an update on the traffic-

SFX Traffic News Jingle (“On the hour – and on the half-hour – Oxford’s traffic news for you!”)

Ann: over to Gavin. Gavin?

Gavin: Hello?

Ann: Hello, Gavin; whereabouts on our busy road network are you today?

Gavin: Hello?

Ann: Gavin! Can you hear me? Where are you, today?

Gavin: Loud and clear, Vince; I’m on the M25 approaching Scotch Corner.

Ann: I sincerely doubt that, Gavin; Scotch Corner is on the A1(M).

Gavin: Is that right?

Ann: I trust my knowledge that it is so.

Gavin: What?

Ann: Yes. What road ‘are’ you on – the M25 is a little off our patch for traffic updates.

Gavin: Hold on; I’ll ask the driver.


Gavin: The driver says were on the No.7a service from Folkestone to Deal. Near to Hever. In Kent.

Ann: Hever? The scenic route?

Gavin: Sorry?

Ann: Never mind. It’s a lovely part of the country; which, for an Oxfordshire Traffic Report, is quite useful.

Gavin: I thought it was strange for the M4 to be single-carriageway in places.

Ann: It would be unheard of. So, how is the traffic in the Hever area?

Gavin: Where?

Ann: Where ‘you’ are!

Gavin: I don’t know; we are currently stopped for the tourists to have a look around the castle.

Ann: Okay, Gavin, I’ll let you carry on with your site-seeing.

Gavin: Right-o!

Ann: And we’ll be back with Gavin in half-an-hour to see how busy the traffic is in the area of the gift shop-

SFX Traffic News Jingle (“On the hour – and on the half-hour – Oxford’s traffic news for you!”)

Ann (aside): And sometime Kent’s.

Ann: And now… the latest gossip from the Oxfordshire Debating Society (gradually fades). Recent debates of the O.D.S. have tended to become over-heated; and one even ended in a case of fisticuffs-

NB – please be aware that the above is nothing at all to do with BBC Radio Oxford, which is a fine institution (and I know, I’ve been in a few) G:)


Toe-in-the-Water Radio Show Episode la Troisieme (Audio Version)

Toe-in-the-Water Radio Show Episode la Troisieme (Audio Version)


The third episode of the Toe-in-the-Water Radio Show with all of its musical loveliness and sketch silliness – please give it a listen. Thank You

Includes such leg-ends as Jane Goldsack, Jonathan H. Klein, Grant Sharkey, Angela Van Son, Katrina Henningham, Craig Henningham, Ziggy Woodward, Clare Selina Farmer, Liam White, Grae-Me Sandford and maybe others… I forgets… sorry, if I did. G:)