Late-Arriving Limericks are actually below – they have only just got here – so may still be warm from the creative processes – you have been warmed!

The ‘Word of the Day’ it is… ‘Twitter’
To use it won’t cause any litter
Just remember the rules
That newbies are fools
And that may just stop you from feeling so bitter.
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Limerick Rule-of-Thumb No. 1: Whilst a Limerick sets out to be uproariously funny and particularly clever, some Limericks fail on either the first, the second, or both counts – this is sadly often true.
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A man thought he knew D.H.Lawrence
As he’d met him one day whilst in Florence
But the man was a fraud
Whose real name was Claud
And the truth was met with total abhorrence.
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*Limerick Rule-of-Thumb No. 2: Using unusual rhymes gathers more cudos than a cudos-gatherer at cudos-harvest time.
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A veritable sage held his court
With novices that he had taught
He held up a hand
They did await his command
But, he gave them the advice that they sought.*
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*Limerick Rule-of-Thumb no. 3: Not all Limericks are meant to be funny – this is often stated when they don’t really work that well (see above… and below for examples).
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A Limerick decided that he would be prose – he would Walk into a bar and hold up his nose! “Sorry!” he said; and then he held up his head; “I’m a Limerick highwayman, I suppose!”
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In the histories of the statue and the saint
There are always the ones who grow faint
The details too thin
Or concealed within
And what use is a new coat of paint.
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The Thinker was perched on his rock
Considering the whereabouts of a sock
If only he knew. (He thought)
I could almost have two –
But he was suffering from that old ‘Thinker’s Block!’
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A real-life modern-day Casanova
Arrived from Venice at Dover
Chatted up someone’s wife
Tried to run for his life
Got caught, now his wrenching days are over.
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Limerick Rule-of-Thumb No. 4: it’s not through the want of trying that Limerick’s never grow up to be ‘proper’ poems – it has been proven that it is the parents that are usually to blame.
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The ‘Alternative Word of the Day’ it is… Sporran
To wear one will get the ladies adorin’*
But the wind can be chilly
And can affect your prospects
So wear a suit ‘n’ tie and be borin’*
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* This Limerick should be read in a Scottish accent.
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Limerick Rule-of-Thumb No. 5: There is ‘No!’ Repeat ‘No!’ Limerick Rule-of-Thumb No. 5 (see Monty Python’s ‘Bruce’s Sketch’ for detailed analysis of this point!)
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Spike Milligan was mowing his carrot
When he stopped to discuss a red parrot
He added some gin
To one end of his chin
And finished the rest off with claret!
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In the middle of the night
When it’s too dark for light
It’s never that good
To be lost in a wood-
A very precarious plight!
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Limerick Rule-of-Thumb No.6:
There is never a need for more than 5 lines unless the “Limerickist” (they are ‘not-poets’) is trying to be clever (which they invariably are not).
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A pirate who’d sailed all seven seas
Put into port in Belize
He’d been there before
They’d shown him the door
“Can I look at some windows, this time? Please?”
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It was the night before the next day and all through the house
The gossips were stirring – they’d bitch and they’d grouse
“The way things are going…”
“She was all for the knowing…”
And the worst of them all was sarky King Mouse!
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The Last Limerick in a can of Gasoline is invariable almost completely water (as Scott found out to his utter disgust in his 3rd Arctic Limerick Expedition of late 1907).