Tag Archives: mystery

Tales from the Whom Household (A Work in Progress)

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An Episode in the #dialogueforaplay series

Dr. P: Hello! I’m Doctor Proctor, Vector Inspector.

Maud: Really?

Dr. P: Yes. Don’t you believe me?

Maud: Well, it is a bit far-fetched.

Dr. P: I am an imminent physician!

Maud: Don’t you mean ’eminent?’

Dr. P: I might do. In time. Who is asking?

Maud: Whom?

Dr. P: Okay; ‘whom’ is asking?

Maud: No. I am Lady Whom, Lady Maud Whom. The last in a long line of Whoms.

Dr. P: Ah! Just the parsonage that I was looking for!

Maud: If you are looking for the Parsonage, it’s by the church – as is usual in these villages.

Dr. P: Sorry? I think you misunderstand, or misunderstood me. I was looking for Lady Whom.

Maud: You ‘was’ looking for her? Have you stopped looking for her now, young man?

Dr. P: I have. Seeing as how I has now found her whereabouts; which turned out to be hereabouts.

Maud: Or thereabouts!

Dr. P: Precisely! I was misdirected the wrong way by some youths on the traffic islands at the edge of the village.

Maud: Layabouts… on roundabouts.

Dr. P: In-deed!

Maud: And in fact, supposéd doctor.

Dr. P: I must speak with you.

Maud: Then we must stop this conversation immediately.

Dr. P: Or sooner.

Maud: Very well. (There is a short pause) About what would you speak to Lady Whom about?

Dr. P: Do you always speak of yourself in the third person?

Maud: Yes; I used to play cricket.

Dr. P: Ah! I see.

Narr: Though he clearly didn’t.

Dr. P: And who or ‘whom’ are you Sirrah?

Narr: I am the narrator to your conversation; I add a few details here and there to allow the listener (or the reader) to understand what is going on.

Dr. P: Why should they be akin to that knowledge when we so clearly are not?

Narr: It is the way of things in this sort of genre, Dr. Proctor.

Dr. P: Harrumph!

Maud: Yes. I can see that it may be a help to our audience; but, it is a bit unfair on us.

Narr: I have no free will in this, malady; my words have been written for me in advance.

Dr. P: What! Are we predestined to a destined destination?

Narr: Yes.

Maud: And we have to follow a path set out for us.

Narr: Yes.

Dr. P: Without any hope of ultimate salvation?

Narr: Yes.

Maud:

#dialogueforaplay – The Play Starts Here!

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#dialogueforaplay (for Radio Show)
Cast (in order of appearance – smartest first!)
Narr 1
Narr 2
Narr 3
Narr 4
Harold
Laura
Dr 1
Dr Protocol
DC Acey

SFX Murder Mystery Music

Narrator 1: The ‘Toe-in-the-Water Radio Show’ is proud to present… The Lost Camel Theatre Group, who are proudly presenting…

Narrator 2: Act 1 Scene 1 of a 1 act, 1 scene play, cunningly entitled:

Narrator 3: A Murder Is Pronounced ‘Mur-derrr!’

Narrator 4: ‘or’

Narr 1: The Old Biddy in the Library

Narr 4: ‘or’

Narr 2: Death Comes Right at the Very End

Narr 4: Or… (There is a pause) No? (A shorter pause) Anyway, whatever it is called, it all begins, takes place, and ends in the living room of Whom Manor.

Narr 1: Which is ‘grammatically’ correct

Narr 2: if not at all relevant…

Narr 3: or particularly interesting

Narr 4: Act 1, Scene 1: The action starts, as I say, in an English Country House – Whom Manor.

SFX making drinks, with clinks etc.

Harold: We seem to be out of lemons!

Laura: Really?

Harold: Yes! I wanted ‘ice and a slice’ in my drink!

Laura: Oh, Harold! If you really need a lemon I can send out.

Harold: No, Laura- if a man wants something done properly he should just get on and do it.

Laura: Really? Harold…?

Harold: Yes, Laura, what is it, old bean?

Laura: Oh! Nothing, I’ll make you a drink.(aside) It will be your last!

Laura: (hands Harold a drink) Here you go. Bottoms up!

Harold: Thanks, old sausage! (takes a large swig) Aaaaaaargh!

Narr 4: Harold keels over, then dies.

Laura: A little concoction of mine – A very stiff drink – Gin with a side order of starch!

Narr 4: A man enters the scene

Doctor 1: You called for a doctor?

Laura: No.

Dr 1: I came anyway. Is this the stiff?

Laura: Yes…

Dr 1: He’s dead!

Laura: You ‘are’ a doctor!

Dr 1: I know! I went to Doctoring School for an absolute age. It was Hell!

Laura: What are we to do?

Dr 1: I think that we should call another doctor.

Laura: Protocol?

Dr 1: Yes! Dr. Protocol!

Narr 4: Another man arrives

Dr Protocol: You called?

Dr 1: We did.

Dr P: I am here. Is this the stiff?

Dr 1: No, that’s Laura!

Laura: (miffed) Excuse me. I am suffering with shock and trauma from the loss of a close one.

Dr P: How close?

Laura: I don’t know – I have no spatial awareness.

Dr 1: What? Should we call the police?

Dr P: The ‘Police!’

Narr 4: A ‘third’ Man arrives

DC Acey: I am the police.

Laura: I thought there would be more of you.

DC Acey: I’ve been dieting.

Dr 1: Can I be called Doctor 1 now? It’s all rather confusing.

Laura: Certainly, Doctor 1 – If that is your ‘real’ name!

DC Acey: And I am DC Acey – and no puns on that or I shall have to nick you; with this penknife!

Laura: Charming!

Dr 1: Can you provide a second opinion, Dr. Protocol?

Dr P: It usually takes longer, but I shall try… he’s dead!

DC Acey: Well done! Now, I must carry out some preliminary tasks. Firstly: Hello, hello, hello!

Omnes: Hello!

DC Acey: Is this the stiff?

Dr 1: No, that’s Laura!

Laura: Really!

DC Acey: Sorry, miss, if you’d move about a bit more.

Dr P: I can say nothing more… But, I can see no cause for the deceased’s death – apart from a lack of breathing!

Laura: Are you really a doctor?

DC Acey: No, Miss, I am a Detective Constable! These two, however…

Laura: Sorry!

Dr 1: Would a knife sticking into his back be… a clue to his probable death?

Dr P: Yes – is there one?

Dr 1: No.

Narr 4: There is a lull in the proceedings while everyone considers what has happened.

DC Acey: Ummm!

Laura: Don’t you have to draw around the body now?

DC Acey: Yes – that’s a plan!

Dr. 1: Should I call an ambulance?

DC Acey: You should, yes.

Dr 1: (trying to add to the tension) But, will I?

DC Acey: Yes, you will; stop being a prat!

Laura: Doctor?

Dr 1 and Dr P and DC Acey: Yes, Laura?

Laura: Dr Protocol?

DR P: Yes, Laura?

Laura: I’ve been getting these pains in my chest – would you like to take a look?

DC Acey: I’m not sure that is a good idea!

Dr P: Why not?

DC Acey: Because Laura is hiding a secret!

Laura: I am?

SFX Dramatic Music

Laura: Yes, it’s true! I have a deep, dark secret. Nobody has realised that I am not Laura, but…

Narr 4: To be continued!

SFX Murder Mystery Music

Narr 4: That was episode 1 of Act 1, Scene 1…

Narr 3: …of a 1 act, 1 scene play, entitled…

Narr 2: The Clue is in the Questioning…

Narr 4: Or…

Narr 1: Murder is only ‘Red Rum’ reversed.

Narr 4: Or…

SD (Gradually fades out)

Narr 3: Is this a dagger I see… in me?

Narr 4: Or…

Narr 2: Where there’s a will, there’s an alibi!

Narr 4: Or…

Narr 1: Ouch!

Music to End.

The Returning of Library Books

Mary CelesteThe-Bermuda-TriangleBiggles

Delilah Badger walked into the library.

Excuse me…!”

There was nobody in sight.

Is there anybody there?”

She waited for perhaps ten seconds (actually seven) and repeated her query, but with an emphasis on the word ‘anybody.’

Is there ‘anybody’ there?”

Nothing.

Delilah walked over to the ‘Staff Only’ sign-encumbered door and knocked briskly three times upon its imposing façade.

The door could have been the entrance to an Egyptian tomb; it was as solid as a cliff face – and particularly uninviting.

Delilah tried the door handle. It turned. She pushed. It gave. Then swung open with all the grace and style of a ballerina (supposedly to allow a book-toting librarian easy access). Delilah entered the room beyond.

There was a sturdy Librarian’s mug on the coffee table, with steam curling up decorously from within it; a side-plate, with a partially eaten Rich Tea biscuit upon it, to the side. For a library staff room – it was certainly lacking something – librarians, for a start.

Having ascertained that there were no exits from here, Delilah returned to the main library itself. Still nobody in sight.

Is there ‘ANYBODY’ at all, of any shape or size, in this LIBRARY!” shouted Delilah, flagrantly ignoring the ‘SILENCE’ signs that were dotted every six feet along the walls; being presided over by the master of the ‘SILENCE’ sign, located above the main desk; which had daubed upon the hanging sign, letters twelve inches high ‘quoting the inimitable: ‘SILENCE, Please!’

Delilah sighed; popped her bag open and took out the three books from within. She placed them upon the counter. They sat there, silently – well behaved books, they were.

Delilah wrote a quick note upon an ‘overdue’ slip of paper and popped it into the front of the top book; which, ironically, was ‘The Story of the “Marie Celeste” ‘ (with 35 illustrations) by Charles Edey Fay.

Delilah Badger left the library and was never seen again.

#dialogueforaplay (Tweets 106-111)

hash-tag dialogueforaplay 106-111

106

PC Leaves (it’s his name) leaves.

Lady W: Do you think he suspects?

Syd: He hasn’t a clue!

Stiff: He’s not alone.

Tbc

107

Syd: Are you still alive?

Stiff: I’m ‘invincible!’

Lady W: I can see you!

Stiff: Really?

Lady W: As plain as this!

Tbc

108

The dagger gets the stiff ‘really’ dead.

Lady W: Now that ‘we’ have cleared the field, the Whom fortune is mine!

Tbc

109

Syd: Yours?

Lady W: Yes, mine, take this!

Syd: A bottle with ‘Poison!’ writ on it!

Lady W: I’m all out of knives.

Tbc

110

Syd: Do you really think I’m going to drink this?

Lady W: Not at all – that’s why I coated the bottle in poison.

Tbc

111

Syd: You…

Syd dies

Lady W: …win?

PC Leaves returns.

PC: I’m going to need a bigger notebook!

PC Leaves leaves

Tbc

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#dialogueforaplay (tweets 76-90) The Gravy Plot Thickens

hash-tag dialogueforaplay 76-90

76

DCI: It’s my opinion that the ‘perpetrator’ was known to the ‘victim’.

PC: They were married, sir.

DCI: Precisely!

Tbc

77

DCI: Constable, I want you to round up the witnesses and have them all gathered in the… here… In ten minutes.

Tbc

78

DCI: I shall now round up the ‘stiff’ and the ‘murderer’ and then we shall have one of those ‘Poirot-like’ reveals.

Tbc

79

The police leave in opposite directions. Then recross the room, leave again. The ‘stiff’ returns, resumes place.

Tbc

80

Nothing happens for a few minutes. Apart from the ‘stiff’ trying to get comfy. The phone rings. Nobody answers it.

Tbc

81

Phone stops. Dr P enters, answers the unringing phone.

Dr P: Hello… Yes… 14 ounces in a pound, no. 16! Bye!

Tbc

82

Dr P: Are you still dead?

Stiff: Me?

De P: Nobody else here.

Stiff: Dead as a Do.

Dr P: Dodo?

Stiff: Not that dead!

Tbc

83

Dr P: So, there is no victim.

Stiff: I’m teaching them a lesson.

Dr P: ‘Them’ are my family!

Dr P shoots the stiff.

Tbc

84

Dr P leaves. The Police et al return (not Dr P).

DCI: Hello, hello, hello…

Omnes: Hello!

DCI: I heard a gunshot!

Tbc

85

PC: I can see those months at Detective School weren’t wasted.

Dr 1: The dead man!

Omnes: What?

Dr1: He’s… dead!

Tbc

86

Dramatic Chords

Dr 1: No, he’s really dead. Before, he was only pretentious!

Stiff: Pretending!

Dr 1: Pretending.

Tbc

87

DCI: So, he’s ‘really’ dead?

Dr 1: Really! I should know – I am a doctor!

Dr P enters.

Dr P: No, that is not true!

Tbc

88

DCI: Not a doctor?

PC: Not ‘dead?’

Dr 1: Yes, I am not a ‘dead’ doctor.

Dr P: Nor a ‘doctor!’

Dr1: What about Nora?

Tbc

89

DCI: It seems a murder ‘may’ or ‘may not’ have occurred, I shall go to any lengths.

Dr1: Are you paid by the yard?

Tbc

90

Dr P: What about my ‘impersonating a doctor’ accusation?

DCI: I take that most seriously. Constable, arrest him!

Tbc

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#dialogueforaplay Tweets 21-30

hash-tag dialogueforaplay 21-30

21

Dr 1: Would a knife sticking into his back be… a clue to his probable death?

Dr P: Yes – is there one?

Dr 1: No.

Tbc

22

There is a lull

DC Acey: Ummm!

Laura: Don’t you have to draw around the body now?

DC Acey: Yes – that’s a plan!

Tbc

23

Dr. 1: Should I call an ambulance?

DC Acey: You should, yes.

Dr 1: But, will I?

DC Acey: Yes – stop being a prat!

Tbc

24

Laura: Dr P?

DR P: Yes, Laura?

Laura: I’ve been getting these pains in my chest – would you like to take a look?

Tbc

25

DC Acey: I’m not sure that is a good idea!

Dr P: Why not?

DC Acey: Because Laura is hiding a secret!

Laura: I am?

Tbc

26

Dramatic Music

Laura: Yes, it’s true! I have a deep, dark secret. Nobody has realised that I am not Laura, but…

Tbc

27

Laura: …I am… (dramatic pause) …

Dr P: Get on with it!

DC Acey: Ditto.

Dr P: Ditto? Are you an imbecile?

Tbc

28

DC Acey: I may be – who wants to know?

Dr 1: I don’t.

Laura: Are you interested in what I am?

Dr P: Yes, my son!

Tbc

29

Laura: (gasps) You knew?

Dr P: I have always known – ever since your birth, Laurence!

Dr 1: Florence? Son? What?

Tbc

30

DC Acey: Yes, this is Laurence Protocol aka Laura.

Laurence: And I killed Harold in spite!

Dr 1: In spite of what?

Tbc

—————————————————————

This is a note to say that if you have got this far – well done and thank you G:) #dialogueforaplay

#dialogueforaplay Tweets 11-20

hash-tag dialogueforaplay 11-20

11

Laura: (miffed) Excuse me. I am suffering with shock and trauma from the loss of a close one.

2nd Man: How close?

tbc

12

Laura: I don’t know – I have no spatial awareness.

Man: What? Should we call the police?

2nd Man: The ‘Police!’

tbc

13

3rd Man arrives

3rd Man: I am the police.

Laura: I thought there would be more of you.

3rd Man: I’ve been dieting.

tbc

14

Man: Can I be called Doctor 1, now? It’s rather confusing.

Laura: Certainly, Doctor 1 – If that is your real name!

tbc

15

3rd Man: And I am DC Acey – and no puns on that or I shall have to nick you; with this penknife!

Laura: Charming!

tbc

16

Dr 1: Can you provide a second opinion, Dr. Protocol?

Dr P: It usually takes longer, but I shall try… he’s dead!

Tbc

17

DC Acey: Well done! Now, I must carry out some preliminary tasks. Firstly: Hello, hello, hello!

Omnes: Hello!

Tbc

18

DC Acey: Is this the stiff?

Dr 1: No, that’s Laura!

Laura: Really!

DC Acey: Sorry, miss, if you’d move about more.

Tbc

19

Dr P: I can say nothing more… But, I can see no cause for the deceased’s death – apart from a lack of breathing!

Tbc

20

Laura: Are you really a doctor?

DC Acey: No, Miss, I am a Detective Constable! These two, however…

Laura: Sorry!

Tbc

—————————————————————————

If you have started at #dialogueforaplay 11 and have not read #dialogueforaplay 1-10 then you really need to go back to the very beginning to get the full effect of the words above – #dialogueforaplay 21-30 and so on will be available when I have done the ‘writing them’ thing – Thank You G:)