Tag Archives: #Monologue

The Giraffe in the Room

“We’re not talking about the giraffe in the room, we’re talking about the elephant in the room; the elephant that everybody has so conveniently chosen to ignore; the elephant that— the giraffe? There is a giraffe in the room? How high is the ceiling? And, more to the point, what’s the giraffe doing here?”

2020 BCE

About a year ago, whilst I was wandering around ancient Mesopotamia, I found an old, and well-worn, stone tablet, bearing an unknown inscription. The words, upon the stone, when I had carefully translated them, literally described a contemporary story that was written upon the stone’s surface sometime around the year 2020 BCE – and when I say BCE, I mean ‘Before Comedy Existed’ – and, it was written in a rare and unknown ancient Cuneiform form ; but, luckily, I am an expert in the deciphering, reading, and understanding of rare and ancient Cuneiform forms.

It actually says: ‘my neighbour’s dog, due to an accident with a plough-type instrument, is bereft of it’s nose, when I asked my neighbour how did it smell, he said…’ and here the writing becomes a little worn, but I think that I can make out the final word, it seems to say: ‘earful’.

And that was only two thousand and twenty years before comedy was invented.

It certainly makes you think.

A Cheese Ball Under the Bed.

A Cheese Ball Under the Bed.

“ I don’t know how it got there. I ‘never’ eat in the bedroom; and I never eat ‘cheese balls’ full stop.

I wonder if they could get a fingerprint off of it? What with the advances in criminal detection techniques over the recent decades , you’d think that it would be a done deal. Then again, would the fingerprints of the eater of cheese puffs – apart from that one – be on a criminal database? He (or she – why must it always be assumed to be a ‘he’?) might be recognised from a line up by the orange tips of his (or her) fingers; but, they (we shall use ‘they’ from now on – it’s less problematical) they might have washed, or licked, away the evidence.

Perhaps I shall never know who the culprit was.

I mean, a Cheese Ball can’t last forever. This one is hardly likely to be the last remaining remnant of a midnight feast in the time of good Queen Victoria now, is it?

I have bagged the evidence, and swept the area thoroughly for any more clues. You may call me Hercule, if you wish – it’s not my name; but, if it pleases you, please do it.”

Monologue, Duologue, and Trialogue. A Liskeard Writers Group prompt.

Monologue, Duologue, and Trialogue.

SD Monologue and Dialogue are somewhere in Scotland. The weather is a bit grim, as usual.

Mon: Is this a dagger that I see before me?

Duo: Hey, MackyBee, I can’t see any dagger; are you sure that you can see one?

SD Enter Trialogue.

Tria: Mon Dieu! Hey, you two, What’s going on here? I thought that we were all meeting at The Heath for a pint when all the hurly-burly was good and done!

Mon: The handle toward my hand…

Duo: Listen, Mac, I really don’t see any daggers. (to Tria:) I think he’s been on the funny-juice again?

Tria: Well, He won’t be winning or losing any battles if he’s carrying on like this, will he? Lay on MacBeth – and lay off the funny-juice!

Mon: Come, let me clutch thee!

Duo: Steady on, old chum; I know your missus has been driving you hard lately; but, that’s no reason to look Elsinore-where for your home comforts.

Tria: Funny, hahahahamlet! Well, I don’t know about you two idiots – I really don’t – but, I’m off out on the dusty road to The Heath for a quick Bloody Mary and a packet of Queen Elizabeth Potato Crisps, before they close.

Duo: Ooh, that sounds like a plan. (to Mon): Are you coming, Beth?

Mon: Thou marshall’st me the way that I was going.

Tria: Aye. That we are. You’re both welcome to join me; although, I’m not sure if they’ll be too happy about letting us in if we’re carrying any of those imaginary daggers, like.

Duo: Oh, it’s just Mack the Knife there; he may have been bitten by a shark.

Tria: Really?

Duo: No. It’s from a song. Let’s get going. (To MacBeth) Last one there buys the first round!

SD Duo and Tria leave for The Heath.

Mon: I see thee not…

Tria (offstage): That’s because we’re way off to the pub, pet!

Duo: (offstage): We’ll put it on your tab! Don’t be long, the bell for last orders will soon be ringing, and Duncan the Landlord is a stickler for ‘time-keeping’.

Tria: (Now with Duo Centre Stage, to Duo): The chances of him buying a round are as likely as Birnam Wood moving to Dunsinane. (to Mon): Tight-wad!

Duo: (to Mon): If we don’t see you at The Heath, we’ll see you tomorrow.

Mon (now he is offstage): And tomorrow, and tomorrow.

Tria (to Duo): You’re right, he’s certainly one witch short of a coven. Come on let’s get a wiggle on and we might just catch the karaoke.

Duo: On, no; I’m not partnering you on ‘Summer Nights’ again.

Tria: But, you make a wonderful Sandy.

Duo: Oh, really?

Tria: Actually, I reckon Maccy B would make an even better Sandy. (Mimics MacBeth) I’ve got daggers… they are multiplying…

Duo (also mimics MacBeth): And I’m losing control!

Tria: That just about sums up his situation.

Duo: Anyway, let us do karaoke first and have a drink after.

Tria: Aye! For alcohol, it provokes the desire, but it takes away the performance.

Duo: And there’s nothing worse than a witch belting out Michael Jackson’s ‘Bad’ when she’s had a few double-troubles!

Tria: Fair’s fair; but may I remind you of that time that you and Macbeth sang Status Quo’s ‘In The Army Now’?

Duo: Oh, yes, Status Quo, I remember; it should have been banned?

Tria: Ban Quo? Surely not!

Exit Stage Left pursued by a tragic ending.

Duo and Tria (singing, if it could be called that): Those Summer Ni-iiiights!’

Audience Member: Tell me more, tell me more…