Tag Archives: Joke


I went fly-fishing,

and, as the joke goes,

caught a four pound bluebottle –

but I had to let it go.

I wasn’t actually using a hook,

or a line, or a Rod, Jane, or Freddy.

To be honest,

I never actually went fly-fishing,

as I have no desire to capture

or cause injury

to a huge wingéd insect.

I Spoke the Joke

I Spoke the Joke

I spoke the joke,

there was silence;

tumbleweed rolled

across the stage;

I turned the page,

‘there’ was another joke,

I spoke ‘that’ joke;

there was no applause,

just some encouraging snores,

and Einstein’s laws

of the gravity

of levity

were reinforced

once again.

Knock! Knock!

Knock! Knock!

Knock! Knock!

Who’s there?

Cerys! Now hurry up and open this door or I shall kick the uggin’ thing in!

Cerys who?

Cerys Mattick! Now come on and open up this froggin’ door!

“Knock! Knock!”

“Knock! Knock!”

“Knock! Knock!”

“Is this some kind of a joke?

“Is this some kind of a joke who?”


“I’ll start again. Knock! Knock!”

“Why fo you keep saying that?”

“Why aren’t you responding in the correct manner?”

“Because this is silly. You are not standing outside of my door – and, I have a doorbell.”

“Ring! Ring!”

“You don’t have to do the noises, a bell will ring all by itself.”

“If it were here.”

“If it were here – which it isn’t.

“And there was anybody to ring it.”

“Which there isn’t.”

“You do realise that you are doing both voices in this dialogue, don’t you?”

“I am?”


“Oh. That’s a bit weird.”

“Just a bit.”

“Anyway… knock! Knock!”

SFX “Slap!”

A Man Walks Into A Bar… (A twenty-minute stream-of-consciousness write)


A man walked into a bar…
But, who is that man?
And where was that bar?
What is his purpose in entering that bar?

We need more information. Detail.

Has he a name?
And if so, what is that name?
We shall call him… Monty!
The bar is in San Antonio.
And Monty is going in there to meet… Skimpy!
San Antonio in… Mexico?

That is better; we have some detail. Information.

Skimpy is late; she has missed the tram and will catch the next one.
Monty is going to think that Skimpy is not going to turn up. As of yet he has not seen that Skimpy is not there – he is still hopeful that she is sat waiting his arrival. He is not late; he arrives exactly at Eleven (as planned).

Skimpy is not Skimpy’s real name; but a nickname that she has had for so long that no-one (even her) remembers what her real name is.
Monty checks the bar again; his hopes fading.

Skimpy talks to an old lady on the tram; and realises that the old lady is actually her long, lost grandmother who has been riding the trams for nearly twenty years. Skimpy finds out that her real name is Edith and vows never to tell anyone.

Monty gives up and leaves the bar.

Skimpy gives her grandmother a bar of soap before she leaves the tram (you choose which one leaves the tram) and they all live to live another day.

Information. Detail.

There could have been more.

What colour hair?
Tall? Thin?
Religious? Educated?
Anyway, we have quite a bit more about our cast than we started out with.


A World of Woe!


A man walks into a laundrette and asks the lady there: “Have you got anything that will remove nasty stains from society?”

The lady replies: “Splinge!”

“Splinge?” Queries the man.

“Yes – and now with added Gribble-Tang!”
NB The World’s Woes cannot be easily solved – but, a laugh can help you to deal with a little of them for a little while – I try to see the lightness when all around may be less than bright. G:)

Ode to a Deer


Ode to a Deer

Oh, deer

I compare thee to?
No idea?



Joke Try-Out 1 (Chalk)

In fact, I bought two!

In fact, I bought two!

She said that her writing was: “Better than mine – buy a long chalk!”

So, I bought some long chalk and went back to the blackboard.
It didn’t help.

Rebecca’s In(n), Jamaica.


“I’ve never been to Jamaica Inn…”
There’s a poem there
But, my brain is not in
(I called it and left an answerphone message; hopefully it will get back to me later – of its own accord!)

And there’s a joke there, too.
Just mentioning it in case you hadn’t noticed
Because, I don’t do jokes
And I definitely don’t do subtle.

At The Bakers


I went to the bakers this morning;
I bought a small farmhouse, a cottage and a Tiger stick…
I only went in for some bread!