Tag Archives: humour

‘I don’t want to be a full-time chair, I’d rather be an occasional table.’

‘I don’t want to be a full-time chair,

I’d rather be an occasional table.’

A job opportunity,

their country needs me,

I am the one

though I have a degree

of irreverence.

Not, that the situation ‘Vacant’ sign

upon the door

is not welcome;

it’s just that I won’t be taken seriously,

if I can’t take it seriously,

the job they’re offering me.

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Will & Ben: Renaissance Men – Beds & Bed-Pans

Will & Ben: Renaissance Men – Beds & Bed-Pans

Ben: Will! Will!

Will: What ‘tis, Ben?

Ben: Hast thou written a will, Will?

Will: hast thou written a ben, Ben?

Ben: No; but, seriously, Will – hast thou?

Will: No, Ben, I hast not written a… will. Shouldst there be a reason for my doing so?

Ben: The will-writer hath come to town.

Will: Ben! Will the Writer is always in town; except for when he wends his weary way back to Stratford. Then Will the Writer is in the country, Ben.

Ben: Very droll, Mr. William Shakespeare; but, if thou doth, please remember that you hath promised me of your second-best bed – it is a King James size bed – and wouldst well replace my old Queen Elizabeth size one. Will?

Will: I thought I said I wouldn’t leave you my second-best ‘bed-pan’, Ben – Ben being the shortened form of ‘bed-pan’.

Ben: Thank you, Willie Wormwood, Thank you so much!

Will: You are welcome, Bed-Pan.

East is East and West is…

East is East and West is…

East Cornwall is East Cornwall

and West Devon is West Devon

and never the Twain shall meet

apart from along the length of the Tamar

and that bit up near Bude

Which isn’t technically East Cornwall;

but, you know where I mean,

that bit where the road takes you through about a mile of Devon:

and ‘I was only going to the garden centre!’ is heard.

Season’s Greetings!

Season’s Greetings!

My first Christmas

was almost my last;

and last Christmas

was our first in Cornwall.

The past is behind us

the future ahead;

we learn how to live

‘cause one day we dead.

I Met The Bard, Today (oh, boy!).

I met The Bard again today;

He made me laugh

I had to say;

He’s not normally big on jokes;

And his histories and tragedies

All end with piles of blokes

Littered around the stage

They die to order

Off the page.

But, today,

I laughed at his funny face

And, for a moment,

All was well with the spinning Globe

Of the Human Race .

The Chipping Norton Shipping Forecast!

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The Chipping Norton
Shipping Forecast

Rainstorms brewing
All norms out of syncopation
Wind and gales arriving
Across land and through the air
Thunder claps likely
And perhaps a hurricano or two
Chances of snow; though, this, is improbable
And if you know what’s best for you;
Probably you should lay low
And keep indoors
Upon all fours
And maybe you could try to see out
The hullabaloo that is likely to occur
But, it’s doubtful,
We concur,
If it will occur
Anywhere
Near
Here.

Wiliam Shakspeare’s Truly Tragic Tragedie – Richard and Juliet (a part)

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And now on Toe-in-the-Water Radio, we bring you the latest episode of our continuing ‘Play For This Day’ a tale of ‘star-cross’d lovers’, Wiliam Shakspeare’s Richard & Juliet!

Act 2, Scene 2: The Balcony Scene.

Rich: Hark! Hark! The dogs do bark
Our King Dickie is having a lark

What light from yonder window breaks
It is Juliet, and I am the sun of York.

Juliet: Bog Off, Crookback!

Rich: Whores! Whores! My kingdom’s full of whores!

TBC