Tag Archives: #fruit

I’m a Fruitcake (The Fruitcake Song)

I’m a Fruitcake (The Fruitcake Song)

I’m a fruitcake,

you’re a fruitcake,

everybody here is a fruitcake.

What does it take

to be a fruitcake?


fruit and cake

put them together

and what does it make?

“It’s Lemon Thyme!”

“It’s ‘Lemon Thyme!”

Citrus burst fits the rhyme,

as we all shout: “It’s ‘Lemon Thyme!”

Apeel and chime, do the crime;

as we are shouting, “Lemon Thyme!”

Sail upon the vitamin C,

Herbidacious, obviously,

“Free the Lemons, if they’ve done their time,

and we are shouting, “Lemon Thyme!”

Limoncello plays the tune,

werewolf howls at light of Moon,

flibberty-gibbet all too soon;

are deciphering an ancient tune,

to be played upon a big bassoon.

“It’s Lemon Thyme!”

A Tale of Three…

A Tale of Three…

Aubrey the Strawberry, Salty the Peanut, and Banango the Weird – a mixed up one if there ever was – walked into Kind Café, one day.

It had been a very hot day, and the three of them were in search of an Ice-cream each to cool themselves down.

Aubrey, Salty, and Banango surveyed the ice-cream menu.

Aubrey looked on with dismay as she saw the options, Salty turned up his little peanut nose at the PB &J cone;

Banango ordered a Banana and Mango Chip Cornet (with sprinkles).

Aubrey and Salty looked at Banango with wonder – he was being really weird lately.

Banango paid and took his selection ‘to go’ and they all left the Kind Café.

Within two minutes a hungry Herring Gull had swooped down and the Banana, Mango Chips, Sprinkles and Banango the Weird had all been swiped by the hungry gull.

Aubrey and Salty were sad, but this was slightly relieved by the fact that Banango the Weird had gone as he had always said he had wanted to.

Jack the Fruit

Jack the Fruit

Jack was a fruit.

Not a specific fruit,

like an Orange, Apple, or Pear;

or a rare fruit,

such as a Physalis, Durian

or the Mighty Horned Cucumber;

he wasn’t even a Tomato – which is a fruit.

Jack was ‘all’ fruits,

though not all at once,

for that would certainly be a fruit cocktail to confuse.

One Monday, last month Jack had been a Lemon. The next day he was a Gooseberry; and this caused some confusion, I can tell you (largely because it is I who am writing this story).

Jack the Lemon had a lovely chat with Sally Strawberry on the Monday; when he met Sally on Tuesday, she didn’t recognise him – for he was now Jack the Gooseberry. This caused problems for Jack and a little embarrassment all around.

Sometimes, when Jack was particularly nervous, he would change fruits ‘during’ the day – and occasionally more than once. Mid-conversation with Bella Banana had been the worst, Jack had transformed into a Banana, and Bella had fallen for the unexpected stranger in her life, although she secretly preferred Jack the Plum, but he had seemingly left the building – a Shoe Shop – and was never heard of again.

Finally, Jack was found close to tears, having lost the affections of Bella Banana, Cindy Cherry, and Polly Peach all within a week – none of them were up for short-term relationships and a second date was never to be forthcoming.

Archie Apple saw a Lime in a corner that seemed to be crying and almost sobbing in despair.

“What is wrong, Friend Lime?” asked Archie.

Between sobs and tears, Jack the Lime answered, “I keep on changing from fruit to fruit, and I can’t keep a steady relationship. One day I’m a Greengage Plum, the next day I’m a Mango!”

The tears fell down Jack’s face and started pooling around him, creating himself as his own island.

“Listen… I didn’t catch your name?” said Archie.

“Jack.” said the woeful Lime.

“Listen, Jack; all I can say is be yourself, and perhaps wear this T-Shirt that I fortuitously found just over there.” he pointed. “It looks about your size.”

Archie handed the T-Shirt to Jack.

“It’s actually a magical T-Shirt that stops the wearer from transmogrifying into a different species, be it animal, mineral or vegetable. Or fruit.” Archie smiled benignly. “Actually, Jack, I am your fairy godmother – I knitted you that T-Shirt myself.”

Jack popped the T-Shirt on and went to look at himself in a nearby mirror.

“Do I have to wear this always?” queried Jack.

“If you wear it three days running, it will be upon you forever, and you will stay as that fruit until the end of fruit days. So, this means that you can choose which fruit you’d like to be.” Archie disappeared in a puff of smoke – as fairy godmothers tend to do.

“Archie had stopped crying. He knew which fruit he would like to be. And all he had to do was put his magical T-Shirt on the next time that he became that fruit.

It couldn’t be that long before he was a lemon again, could it.

And Sally Strawberry might still be waiting for him.

A Naubergine

A Naubergine

A Naubergine

is rarely seen

on this side of the Andes;

but years ago

in deepest snow

(whilst out obtaining candies)

I bumped into

a vegetable, who,

told me it was an aubergine;

but, the veggie lied,

it was long and green

and nothing like an aubergine;

it was in fact

a leak.

The Mango Who Wanted to Tango.

The Mango Who Wanted to Tango.

A mango

wanting to Tango

went to the dance class;

alas, it was full

of Cucumbers wanting to learn

to Rhumba.

Wonky Fruit!

Wonky Fruit!

I bought a wonky apple

I bought some wonky pears

I took my fruit and climbed

to the top of the stairs.

I bought a wonky ‘nana

I bought a wonky grape

I climbed up to the top of the stairs

and planned my escape.

Are you feeling a little fruity?


I ate an orange for my tea
Because it refused to rhyme for me
One such time I ate a lime
I don’t know why
Is that a crime?
Two of my five a day
I opt to dispatch in a non-poetic way
An apple may keep the doctrine at bay
But, at its core, it’s apt to dismay;
And pineapples, coconuts, guavas and yams
Can’t always stop a man going nuts for his fruit (as I am).

It’s not that I’m fussy
To be honest
I don’t give a hoot
But, when you asked me
If I ate a balanced diet
I started juggling melons
It’s fun
You should try it.

This is just nonsense
You may have worked that out
But, I bought the last half pound
Of bananas
I think it’s your shout.

Oranges are not the only fruit (that doesn’t rhyme)


I juggled some oranges

Outside of Gorringes

In Lewes, near Brighton, one day

They said “What are you doing?

We thought you were queuing

to look at the lots, here today.”

I said, “It’s high time

The orange had a rhyme

And your auction house so fits the bill

So, I’m juggling fruit

In my very best suit

They said no one could do it –

But, I will!