#dialogueforaplay (for Radio Show)
Cast (in order of appearance – smartest first!)
Narr 1
Narr 2
Narr 3
Narr 4
Harold
Laura
Dr 1
Dr Protocol
DC Acey
SFX Murder Mystery Music
Narrator 1: The ‘Toe-in-the-Water Radio Show’ is proud to present… The Lost Camel Theatre Group, who are proudly presenting…
Narrator 2: Act 1 Scene 1 of a 1 act, 1 scene play, cunningly entitled:
Narrator 3: A Murder Is Pronounced ‘Mur-derrr!’
Narrator 4: ‘or’
Narr 1: The Old Biddy in the Library
Narr 4: ‘or’
Narr 2: Death Comes Right at the Very End
Narr 4: Or… (There is a pause) No? (A shorter pause) Anyway, whatever it is called, it all begins, takes place, and ends in the living room of Whom Manor.
Narr 1: Which is ‘grammatically’ correct
Narr 2: if not at all relevant…
Narr 3: or particularly interesting
Narr 4: Act 1, Scene 1: The action starts, as I say, in an English Country House – Whom Manor.
SFX making drinks, with clinks etc.
Harold: We seem to be out of lemons!
Laura: Really?
Harold: Yes! I wanted ‘ice and a slice’ in my drink!
Laura: Oh, Harold! If you really need a lemon I can send out.
Harold: No, Laura- if a man wants something done properly he should just get on and do it.
Laura: Really? Harold…?
Harold: Yes, Laura, what is it, old bean?
Laura: Oh! Nothing, I’ll make you a drink.(aside) It will be your last!
Laura: (hands Harold a drink) Here you go. Bottoms up!
Harold: Thanks, old sausage! (takes a large swig) Aaaaaaargh!
Narr 4: Harold keels over, then dies.
Laura: A little concoction of mine – A very stiff drink – Gin with a side order of starch!
Narr 4: A man enters the scene
Doctor 1: You called for a doctor?
Laura: No.
Dr 1: I came anyway. Is this the stiff?
Laura: Yes…
Dr 1: He’s dead!
Laura: You ‘are’ a doctor!
Dr 1: I know! I went to Doctoring School for an absolute age. It was Hell!
Laura: What are we to do?
Dr 1: I think that we should call another doctor.
Laura: Protocol?
Dr 1: Yes! Dr. Protocol!
Narr 4: Another man arrives
Dr Protocol: You called?
Dr 1: We did.
Dr P: I am here. Is this the stiff?
Dr 1: No, that’s Laura!
Laura: (miffed) Excuse me. I am suffering with shock and trauma from the loss of a close one.
Dr P: How close?
Laura: I don’t know – I have no spatial awareness.
Dr 1: What? Should we call the police?
Dr P: The ‘Police!’
Narr 4: A ‘third’ Man arrives
DC Acey: I am the police.
Laura: I thought there would be more of you.
DC Acey: I’ve been dieting.
Dr 1: Can I be called Doctor 1 now? It’s all rather confusing.
Laura: Certainly, Doctor 1 – If that is your ‘real’ name!
DC Acey: And I am DC Acey – and no puns on that or I shall have to nick you; with this penknife!
Laura: Charming!
Dr 1: Can you provide a second opinion, Dr. Protocol?
Dr P: It usually takes longer, but I shall try… he’s dead!
DC Acey: Well done! Now, I must carry out some preliminary tasks. Firstly: Hello, hello, hello!
Omnes: Hello!
DC Acey: Is this the stiff?
Dr 1: No, that’s Laura!
Laura: Really!
DC Acey: Sorry, miss, if you’d move about a bit more.
Dr P: I can say nothing more… But, I can see no cause for the deceased’s death – apart from a lack of breathing!
Laura: Are you really a doctor?
DC Acey: No, Miss, I am a Detective Constable! These two, however…
Laura: Sorry!
Dr 1: Would a knife sticking into his back be… a clue to his probable death?
Dr P: Yes – is there one?
Dr 1: No.
Narr 4: There is a lull in the proceedings while everyone considers what has happened.
DC Acey: Ummm!
Laura: Don’t you have to draw around the body now?
DC Acey: Yes – that’s a plan!
Dr. 1: Should I call an ambulance?
DC Acey: You should, yes.
Dr 1: (trying to add to the tension) But, will I?
DC Acey: Yes, you will; stop being a prat!
Laura: Doctor?
Dr 1 and Dr P and DC Acey: Yes, Laura?
Laura: Dr Protocol?
DR P: Yes, Laura?
Laura: I’ve been getting these pains in my chest – would you like to take a look?
DC Acey: I’m not sure that is a good idea!
Dr P: Why not?
DC Acey: Because Laura is hiding a secret!
Laura: I am?
SFX Dramatic Music
Laura: Yes, it’s true! I have a deep, dark secret. Nobody has realised that I am not Laura, but…
Narr 4: To be continued!
SFX Murder Mystery Music
Narr 4: That was episode 1 of Act 1, Scene 1…
Narr 3: …of a 1 act, 1 scene play, entitled…
Narr 2: The Clue is in the Questioning…
Narr 4: Or…
Narr 1: Murder is only ‘Red Rum’ reversed.
Narr 4: Or…
SD (Gradually fades out)
Narr 3: Is this a dagger I see… in me?
Narr 4: Or…
Narr 2: Where there’s a will, there’s an alibi!
Narr 4: Or…
Narr 1: Ouch!
Music to End.
Graeme Sandford 