Tag Archives: Dialogue

Jack Daw

‘The’ Jack Daw,

in person,

no doppelgängers,

or lookie-likies,

to confuse the issue.

“Where shall we eat?”

I ask, politely,

mindful of my manners.

“Here! Now!”

cried Jack,

in his coarse voice.

We ate, and conversed little –

such was the fine fare on offer –

and then, rudely,

I would say;

Jack just flew away:

Offering: a Conversation

So, what’s that then?

It’s an offering to the gods.

What that?

Yup!

The knob end of your pasty?

Sorry, I meant it’s an offering to the gulls.

Oh, now that makes a bit more sense.

Yup.

SFX Echoing Gull squawk

I’m Coping

I’m Coping.

Glad to hear it.

No, Professor Cecilia Coping, late of the University of Somewhere or Other.

Ah! We haven’t been expecting you.

That’s okay, I haven’t been expecting myself, either.

“What did you say?”

So, what did you say?

What could I say?

Couldn’t you have said something like, ‘It always comes right in the end!’

I could have done. But, that’s not the sort of thing that I would say.

What is the sort of thing that you would say?

Well… I might mention the weather… or the— well, the weather, mainly. It’s easier.

It never rains, but it pours.

What?

It never rains, but it pours.

So you said – and I said, ‘What?’

It’s a proverb, based upon the weather, that implies when there is a problem there are lots of problems – or that the problem is ‘huge!’

Oh.

Why, ‘Oh’?

Well, it looks like it might rain later today.

So we’d better batten down the hatches.

If that’s the sort of thing that needs doing, why not do that?

I think I shall. Bye!

Bye.

The Postman Delivers (to Binary Lane)

Postman: I have a parcel for 1,000 Binary Lane – I’ve never delivered there before.

Postmaster: It’s the fourth one up on the right – at the end.

Postman: Fourth?!

Postmaster: Well, it is Binary Lane.

Round and round the rugged rock the ragged rascal ran

Round

and round

and round

and…

round

the rugged rock

the ragged rascal ran.

“Why am I doing this?” asked the rascal

of himself.

“I’m going to wear myself to a…

well, cinder, might be the word.”

The rascal considered the word ‘cinder’

as the rugged rock

was ran around

again

and again.

“Or run myself ragged?”

hypothesised the tiring rascal.

Unknowing that the ragged rascal

was already at that stage.

“Phew!” gasped the ragged rascal.

Then the ragged rascal caught site of the quick brown fox who was jumping over and over and over

the lazy dog.

“The world we inhabit is such a strange place!” called the ragged rascal to the quick brown fox.

“Yes, very strange indeed!” agreed the quick brown fox.

The lazy dog just carried on with his idleness.

‘Introducing…’ the Ubiquitous Sydney Blackspur

GRAMS: Theme tune fades in and then out.

Announcer: Introducing… the ubiquitous… Sydney… Blackspur!!!!

SFX mild applause

Sydney: Hello.

Announcer: Hello, Sydney!

Sydney: Hello.

Announcer: Right! Let’s get down to business.

Sydney: Okay.

Announcer: ‘Ubiquitous!’ What does it mean?

Sydney: Well, people are always asking me that.

Announcer: Yes? And what do you tell those people?

Sydney: Well, I tell them to go and look it up.

Announcer: And, do they?

Sydney: Usually… they don’t. But… on occasion… they go away… and… they ‘might’ look it up – J have no way of knowing where they go and what they do once they have left my immediacy.

Announcer: ‘Immediacy?’ What— oh, never mind, I’ll go and look it up.

Sydney: Okay.

SD there is a protracted silence.

Sydney (to anyone): Is he coming back?

SD there is no reply.

Sydney: Oh.

GRAMS: Theme tune fades in and then out.

SFX Final sound effect – probably a ‘Clang!’.

boBob and boBeep May be going to the Moon – Revisited.

boBeep: Hello, boBob!

boBob: Hello, boBeep!

boBeep: Where are you going to in such a hurry?

boBob: I am going to the Moon!

boBeep: The Moon?

boBob: Yes, The Moon!

boBeep: How are you getting to the Moon?

boBob: I’ve got a ticket!

boBeep: A ticket?

boBob: Yes! A ticket to the Moon.

boBeep: Oh… I’d like a ticket to the Moon.

boBob: I’ve got a spare one.

boBeep: A spare one? A spare ticket to the Moon?

boBob: Yes. I had a voucher for a BOGOF offer.

boBeep: A ‘BOGOF’ offer? For a ticket to the Moon?

boBob: Yes. I bought one ticket for the Moon, and they gave me another ticket for the Moon free.

boBeep: Free? A free ticket for the Moon?

BoBob: Well, I had to buy the first ticket, so not really ‘free’.

boBeep: Oh. How much was ‘your’ ticket?

boBob: My ticket was free.

boBeep: So, my ticket would have been at the same price?

boBob; You wish.


NB any similarities between Eccles and Bluebottle are purely of my own fault. G:)

“Am I in the House of the Dog?”

Am I in the House of the Dog?

What?

Am I in the “Dog House”?

Do you want to be in the “Dog House”?

No.

Well, the good knees is that you are ‘not’ in the “House” of the “Dog”, nor are you in the “Dog” “House”.

That’s good, then, isn’t it?

Well… it’s only because I haven’t found out what you’ve done wrong… yet. But, I will.

Oh.

Oh, indeed.

Fred, the dead Red Squirrel, sighed

Fred, the dead Red Squirrel, sighed,

‘The last time I died …’ he said,

I was wearing red.

‘And, this time, too …

perhaps, next time, I should

be wearing blue.