Tag Archives: Dialogue

Do you want it to take away?

Barista: Do you want it to take away…?


Customer: Did you finish your sentence? What do I want it to take away? My pain? Is that what you are asking me?


Barista: Or you could drink it in…


Customer: Drink it in what? A decompression chamber? Why is nothing straightforward anymore? And that, my lad,

was a rhetorical question, so don’t even think about trying to answer it. I have. And look where it has got me.


Barista: Where’s that?


Customer: Here.


Barista: Oh.

Launch Time (Kernewek fashion)

“When’s the launch?


“Could you be a little more specific?”

“Eus, I could.”


“Bras dreckly.”


“Deg wosa naw eur yw. A-vorow. Dy’Lun. Marthys!”

“And what does all that mean? When is the launch?”


Westward Ho!

Will: I’m off to Westward Ho! to see the stones.

Ben: That sounds… exciting.

Will: It does? Good! Because I am excited by the thought.

Ben: I can’t quite see the attraction.

Will: Are you more of an Entomologist, Ben?

Ben: Beetles? I hardly think so.

Will: One or the other, Ben, one or the other.

The cat the rat and the acrobat

‘Rat-a-tat-tat!’ said the cat.


‘Are you calling me tatty?’ asked Ratty.


‘No. I just want to come in.’ replied Cat.


‘And once you’re in, you’ll want to go out.’ added Ratty.


‘Yes.’ affirmed the cat. ‘It’s what I do.’


Ratty opened the door. Cat came in. Ratty closed the door.


‘I’ll just wait here by the door then, shall I?’ asked Ratty, dryly.


‘If you would.’ purred Cat. And to herself, ‘It’s so nice having servants.’


Ratty’s eyes followed the retreating Cat.


The acrobat just listened and silently watched, whilst hanging upside down from a beam.

The dogs were keen this morning

“You dogs are keen this morning: Ruby Keene!”

I actually said that out loud to the dogs.

It’s an Agatha Christie thing.

From ‘The Body in the Library’

with Miss Jane Marple.

Is that enough information?

Or did you already know?


“…. and as many carrots as you can eat!”

“Well, that wouldn’t be that many.”

“Three or four do you?”

“I should say so!”

“We could put them in a cake.”

“Whole? Or crunched?”

“Common consensus has it that grated is best.”

“That makes sense. Okay, I’ll go for the ‘Cake with Carrots In’.”

“I think it’s called a Carrot Cake.”

“Well, whatever it’s called, put me down for one with an option on further ‘Carrot Cakes’ in the future.”

“He is a stranger—“

Mrs. Shuttlecock from Badminton, Gloucestershire: He is a stranger—

Peacques: A stranger what?

Mrs. S: A stranger man than any I have seen these past years.

Peacques: A stranger invites danger, Mrs. Shuttlecock.

Mrs. S: Well, I think that we had better RSVP, Peacques.

The magpie and the sheep

M: I can count on ewe, can’t I?

S: Ewe can.

M: Good: one…

S: ‘One’ what?

M: I was counting on ewe.

S: And ewe counted up to one?

M: Yes. To get to sleep.

S: Are ewe asleep yet?

M: I don’t think so.

S: Ewe could be dreaming this.

M: I could?

S: Are ewe up a tree?

M: I am.

S: We’ll I am probably not, so ewe are most likely dreaming.

M: I must have dropped off.

S: Well, take care if you do, it’s a long way to the ground.

M: Okay, thanks!

S: Ewe are welcome… and, by the way… you snore.

Charles & David – Sing

David: Charles!

Charles: David!

David: It is you!

Charles: It is indeed: I have been me since I was a very young boy.

David: Thankfully so. Shall we… sing?

Charles: A song?

David: Quite! A classic from the age of elegance?

Charles: No other age would do.

David: Then, let us begin, a one, three, four—

Charles: —two!

David (singing): You’ve got a beautiful chin.

Charles (spoken): Why, thank you.

David (spoken): You are very welcome.

Charles (singing): You’ve got beautiful skin.

David (spoken): I moisturise.

Charles (spoken): It shows.

David (singing): You’ve got a beautiful face.

Charles (spoken): David, are you flirting with me?

David (singing): I’ve got taste.

Charles (spoken): David, is there something that you want to sing to me?

David (spoken): Yes, Charles. (singing): Rabbit.

SFX Dog barking, sound of dog leaping into the sea.

Charles (spoken) You never did like my dog, did you, David?

David (spoken): It was me or him, Charles – me, or him.

The Old Man and the Flea

If you’ve got an itch, scratch it.

The old man certainly did have an itch,

so he scratched it.

“Watch out!” came a little voice from the vicinity of the scratch area, “You almost caused me a mischief!”

The old man, only slightly puzzled (as he had lived a very long time, and seen and heard many a strange thing) looked carefully, with his reduced eyesight, and espied a small creature of no more than yay long.

“What are you up to?” asks the old man, “And is it causing my itch?”

“I am just trying to live a humble life.” said the humble voice – and it did sound very humble, just like a microscopic Uriah Heep. “Sorry if I’m causing you a bother, but I seem to have fallen off of my rat.”

“You own a rat?” asked the old man. “What colour was it? Always trying to be helpful, the old man looked around to see if there were any rats (of any colour) in the near vicinity.

“I don’t own it…” explained the voice, “I just hitched a lift, and then fell off – most annoying it is when that happens.”

“I can believe it would be.” agreed the old man, “Did you say what colour it was?”

“Black.” said the voice. “A regular Model T Ford sort of rat.”

“My you are educated, for a…?” the old man curtailed his sentence as he still had not a clue as to whom he was having a conversation with.

“I’m a flea.” said the flea.

“Oh, dear.” said the old man, sadly. “Are you carrying the plague?”

“I might be.” said the flea, “Anyway, you look like you’ve lived long enough already. About time you popped your clogs.” the flea had spoken with a brightness that belied the subject matter.

“Oh.” said the old man. “Bother.”