Tag Archives: #detectives

One day in the life of our Baking Street Heroes

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Shylock: Look! There’s the ‘smoking bun!

What’sOn: Don’t you mean ‘smoking gun?’

Shylock: It’s a bun, What’sOn; and there is smoke rising from it. But, I do see what you mean. It ‘is’ also a smoking gun.

What’sOn: Shall I bag it up for evidence, Shylock?

Shylock: It may be wise to douse the flames first, What’sOn. Or you shall encourage the conflagration to escalate.

What’sOn: Ah! Well spotted, Shlock. I was just seeing if you’d notice that.

Shylock: Yes, What’sOn, most plausible. And please don’t call me Shlock, or I shall have to trim your moustache whilst you sleep, again.

What’sOn: Yes, Shy-lock. Right, here goes.

SD What’sOn pours a carafe of table water over the smoking bun. The smoke and flames are doused.

Shylock: Well done, What’sOn.

What’sOn: Thank you, Shylock.

Shylock: However…

What’sOn: Yes, Shylock?

Shylock: It may have been wiser to pop a glass bowl over the bun; thus extinguishing the smoke and any flames by removing the air from the vicinity.

What’sOn: That’s true.

Shylock: Instead of which, you have ruined the evidence. You are almost an idiot!

What’sOn: That’s true, too, Shylock.

Shylock: Oh, well; back to the drawing board.

SD There is a slight pause

Shylock: What’sOn?

What’sOn: Yes, Shylock?

Shylock: Don’t give up your day job.

What’sOn (resignedly): No, Shylock.

Tales from the Whom Household (A Work in Progress)

hash-tag dialogueforaplay

An Episode in the #dialogueforaplay series

Dr. P: Hello! I’m Doctor Proctor, Vector Inspector.

Maud: Really?

Dr. P: Yes. Don’t you believe me?

Maud: Well, it is a bit far-fetched.

Dr. P: I am an imminent physician!

Maud: Don’t you mean ’eminent?’

Dr. P: I might do. In time. Who is asking?

Maud: Whom?

Dr. P: Okay; ‘whom’ is asking?

Maud: No. I am Lady Whom, Lady Maud Whom. The last in a long line of Whoms.

Dr. P: Ah! Just the parsonage that I was looking for!

Maud: If you are looking for the Parsonage, it’s by the church – as is usual in these villages.

Dr. P: Sorry? I think you misunderstand, or misunderstood me. I was looking for Lady Whom.

Maud: You ‘was’ looking for her? Have you stopped looking for her now, young man?

Dr. P: I have. Seeing as how I has now found her whereabouts; which turned out to be hereabouts.

Maud: Or thereabouts!

Dr. P: Precisely! I was misdirected the wrong way by some youths on the traffic islands at the edge of the village.

Maud: Layabouts… on roundabouts.

Dr. P: In-deed!

Maud: And in fact, supposéd doctor.

Dr. P: I must speak with you.

Maud: Then we must stop this conversation immediately.

Dr. P: Or sooner.

Maud: Very well. (There is a short pause) About what would you speak to Lady Whom about?

Dr. P: Do you always speak of yourself in the third person?

Maud: Yes; I used to play cricket.

Dr. P: Ah! I see.

Narr: Though he clearly didn’t.

Dr. P: And who or ‘whom’ are you Sirrah?

Narr: I am the narrator to your conversation; I add a few details here and there to allow the listener (or the reader) to understand what is going on.

Dr. P: Why should they be akin to that knowledge when we so clearly are not?

Narr: It is the way of things in this sort of genre, Dr. Proctor.

Dr. P: Harrumph!

Maud: Yes. I can see that it may be a help to our audience; but, it is a bit unfair on us.

Narr: I have no free will in this, malady; my words have been written for me in advance.

Dr. P: What! Are we predestined to a destined destination?

Narr: Yes.

Maud: And we have to follow a path set out for us.

Narr: Yes.

Dr. P: Without any hope of ultimate salvation?

Narr: Yes.

Maud:

Marple, Jane Marple.

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Geraldine McEwan

” St. Mary Mead, two-three-five?”
And off Jane goes
Another murder
In another hall
Or library,
Vicarage,
Or the like.

Her mind sorts out
The scarlet fish
From the Scooby-Doos
And we know that
In the end
All will be revealed.

And the Butler…?

Probably not.

(Sort of) A Sonnet to Cluedo

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(Sort of) A Sonnet to Cluedo

“How do I solve thee?
Let me count the ways.
Thou art more complex
And more intriguing
Than a maze inside a labyrinth
Within an enigma.
In fact, I think that you are
Mrs White in the Kitchen
With the Food Mixer!
What? No food mixer?
How strange. You’d think they’d
Have a food mixer in there – I have.
Though, I suppose it’s better for making cakes than corpses…
Although a corpse-cake
May be an idea for a Cluedo-themed party… that’s an idea.
Oh! Well, perhaps it was Mr Bun the Baker in the Bakery with the Stale Baguette?
What do you mean, you’re not playing anymore?
It’s your game and you’re going home!
Now, we’ll never know who did it…
With what… And to whom!”

#dialogueforaplay Tweets 11-20

hash-tag dialogueforaplay 11-20

11

Laura: (miffed) Excuse me. I am suffering with shock and trauma from the loss of a close one.

2nd Man: How close?

tbc

12

Laura: I don’t know – I have no spatial awareness.

Man: What? Should we call the police?

2nd Man: The ‘Police!’

tbc

13

3rd Man arrives

3rd Man: I am the police.

Laura: I thought there would be more of you.

3rd Man: I’ve been dieting.

tbc

14

Man: Can I be called Doctor 1, now? It’s rather confusing.

Laura: Certainly, Doctor 1 – If that is your real name!

tbc

15

3rd Man: And I am DC Acey – and no puns on that or I shall have to nick you; with this penknife!

Laura: Charming!

tbc

16

Dr 1: Can you provide a second opinion, Dr. Protocol?

Dr P: It usually takes longer, but I shall try… he’s dead!

Tbc

17

DC Acey: Well done! Now, I must carry out some preliminary tasks. Firstly: Hello, hello, hello!

Omnes: Hello!

Tbc

18

DC Acey: Is this the stiff?

Dr 1: No, that’s Laura!

Laura: Really!

DC Acey: Sorry, miss, if you’d move about more.

Tbc

19

Dr P: I can say nothing more… But, I can see no cause for the deceased’s death – apart from a lack of breathing!

Tbc

20

Laura: Are you really a doctor?

DC Acey: No, Miss, I am a Detective Constable! These two, however…

Laura: Sorry!

Tbc

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If you have started at #dialogueforaplay 11 and have not read #dialogueforaplay 1-10 then you really need to go back to the very beginning to get the full effect of the words above – #dialogueforaplay 21-30 and so on will be available when I have done the ‘writing them’ thing – Thank You G:)