Tag Archives: crime

Mrs Botter and the Case of the Bitter Batter

Mrs Botter and the Case of the Bitter Batter

“Betty Botter bought some butter but, said she, the butter’s bitter.

If I put it in my batter, it will make my batter bitter.

But a bit of better butter will make my bitter batter better.

So she bought some better butter, better than the bitter butter,

put it in her bitter batter, made her bitter batter better.

So it was better Betty Botter bought some better butter”

“And that is Mrs. Botter’s defence, is it?”

“Yes, m’Lud.”

“And is there anybody who can confirm the veracity of Mrs. Botter’s… tale?”

“Well… we do have a lady that sells seashells on the seashore… she saw something.”

“Something?”

“Yes. She swears she saw several sea-urchins sauntering southwards, sometime soon after six-seventeen, Sunday the Sixteenth.”

“Around the time that Roger Rusk, retired Landlord of the Rugged Rock ran those ragged rascals out of Rockpool Town?”

“Indeed, m’Lud.”

“Then the case is solved.”

“It is?”

“Indeed, it is; my unlearned gentleman of the persecution. Mrs. Betty Botter – formerly of Quick Brown Fox Incorporated – is a notorious felon with a long history of telling tales and demeaning all kinds of foodstuffs – I do believe her to be the sole perpetrator of the crimes heretofore listed against her.

I pronounce her very guilty of rhymes against the saying of.

Therefore, I sentence Mrs. Betty Batter to a long and lonely life, living and languishing, longing for a little largesse, lofty latitudes, lengthy literal lunches, lasting levity and late lolly-gagging laughter. Let that be a lesson to her.”

“Lunch?”

The Body In The Library

The Body in the Library

(Yet another poem that tries to fit the title of an Agatha Christie novel in to it)

The Bodleian Library,

in Oxford,

has quite a few books

in crannies

and nooks;

when

I

went there

I was

the

Odd body in the library.

If you can’t do the time…

If you can’t do the time…

If you can’t do the time…

then don’t do the rhyme.

Making up words

won’t, generally, win you awards;

but working towards,

half-rhymes, partial rhymes,

incomplete effete rhymes;

rhymes with attitude;

rhymes with a pun;

seriously straight rhymes,

rhymes for fun;

rhymes that don’t,

rhymes that won’t,

rhymes that are visual

but, as is their wont,

when spoken do not,

is an admirable past time—

and, now, I think that I can hear the person on the timer, cough;

so I think that maybe that’s been enoff.

Pond, James Pond.

Pond, James Pond

James Pond walked into the Ritz Hotel’s lobby with barely a glance at the Prussian spy sitting to the left of the entrance, supposedly engrossed within the American newspaper that he was holding.

Pond approached the desk and smoothly claimed the electronic key to his penthouse suite, and a small envelope which contained a coded missive from ‘N’.

Pond took the lift to floor 14, exited, and ascended three flights of stairs in the silent running manner that he had employed to his advantage upon so many occasions.

Checking the micro-filament that he had placed across the door frame was still intact, Pond inserted his card and entered – his concentration heightened even more so – it pays to turn up the surveillance when there is nothing to see.

Keeping clear of the full-wall window (even though it was bullet-proof, a missile would make a severe dent in Pond’s aquiline features) Pond observed the small red light blinking on the answer-phone machine (such a relic in this day and age) and the absence of any signs of his apartment having been searched – they were, indeed, very professional.

However, the safeguards that ‘R’ had installed showed air-flow and heat variations in the area – things that were nigh on impossible to avoid – the security cameras had been frozen and showed nothing at all – and definitely didn’t show the deliberately unsynchronised clock that hung on the opposite wall – set to flick back and forth every forty-second second.

Pond relaxed. He saw all the signs and realised that he was not today’s target – they were seeking a lead to his current assignment – they may have found the red herrings, they may ignore them; but, sowing the seeds of doubt and subtly indoctrinating their minds with double-bluffs was all a part of the game.

Pond popped the kettle on.

Coffee, not shaken, stirred, after adding one Sucralose sweetener – actually an anti-poison capsule, and, even if the coffee beans had been contaminated with a powerfully lethal drug, Pond’s immune system would flush any chemicals harmlessly away.

Two Garibaldi biscuits to accompany the coffee, and Pond then dropped smoothly into his comfy recliner in order to read the missive from ‘N’.

TBC

A Little Bit Of Cluedo In The Night

A Little Bit Of Cluedo In The Night

Colonel Mustard

wasn’t flustered

when I accused him of… Murder!

He said:

“I was in the Kitchen

with Mrs. White –

she’ll give me an alibi, alright!”

But, Mrs. White, speaking all polite:

“No. Colonel Mustard wasn’t there, and nor was I –

I was in the Conservatory,

making a pie.”

This didn’t tally,

and I was up a blind alley

with no paddle.

“But, you did kill Doctor Black

with a Candlestick,

didn’t you Colonel?”

“Seeing as it’s Professor Plum,

who has dead become,

I cannot admit to Killing Black –

of his corpse we have a lack.”

I checked my notes;

Professor Plum, was dead and incredibly dumb – when asked, he said nothing.

Miss Scarlet, a veritable harlot,

going by the name of Charlotte,

confessed to being at the scene of the crime

another time

but not this one.

The Reverent Green

was seen

also upon this scene,

eating a tangerine.

But, his alibi, of him writing a sermon

at the time of the murder…

left him in the lurch

when he was asked to swear in church

upon the Good Book –

one look at his guilty expression

was all it took.

So, it was the Reverent Green

who killed Professor Plum

with a Candlestick

in the Library.

This time.

Case closed.

PS Mrs.Peacock was ruled out having been holidaying in the Algarve – lucky lady.

Agatha Christiemas – Boxing Day 2018 #22 (21:00)

Agatha Christiemas – Boxing Day 2018 #22 (21:00)

Agatha Christiemas?

What shall we find with the new Poirot?

Shall it be ABC 5*

Parts 1,2 and 3?

Or will it be a Hickory Dickory Shock

to the system?

Shall I have to get the 3:10 from Paddington to Bear it?

Who knows whether John Suchet

can be bettered

or equaled…

it is, perhaps,

just a previous reincarnation

sequelled?

An Agatha.

An Agatha.

The mirror crack’d from side to side

And there is always a steam train

Agatha liked steam

It does seem that way

they say she wrote some of her stories whilst aboard;

or wrote whilst afloat

travelling to Egypt, Mesopotamia or the like.

I don’t know if she ever travelled by bike;

working on a riddle

while balancing upon a saddle.