The PC chases doctors off stage. DCI looks bemused.
DCI: I look confused. Ergo: I am confused. I do follow. Leaves.
Lady Whom, DC Acey and Laura/Laurence Protocol are left along with the stiff.
DC Acey: I don’t know about you lot.
Lady W: Really!
DC Acey: I hadn’t finished – I was going to add ‘but, I’m confused!’
Laura: Well, you’re not alone!
Lady W: Is he dead yet?
Laur: I’ll kick him.
DC Acey: Ouch!
Laur: He’s alive.
Lady W: I meant ‘him!’ (points)
Laur kicks the stiff.
Laur: He is ‘also’ alive.
Lady W launches a knife into the stiff.
Lady W: I had to do that; he’s been asking for it.
Laur: I didn’t hear him.
DC Acey: ‘And’ he ‘was’ already ‘dead!’
Lady W: I just need to remove a couple of witnesses.
DC Acey: I pity them. More throwing daggers?
Lady W: Oh, yes!
Laur: I think she means ‘us!’
DC Acey: Really?
Laur: I wish we’d all stop saying ‘really!’
Lady W: Your wish is…!
Lady W throws 2 knives and DC Acey gets the point, Laura gets a 6-inch blade neatly between the eyes!
Lady W: Bye!
Lady W: Being in the circus was excellent training for life… or for death… situations; I’m so glad I ran away!
The Policemen Return.
DCI: Hello three times; what’s been going on here, then?
Lady W: Are you talking to me?
DCI: Seems like you are the ‘last man standing!’
Lady W: Really!
DCI: it’s just a phrase!
PC: He’s going through!
Lady W: I saw it all!
PC: You look like you’ve been around a bit!
Lady W: A masked man ran into the room and slew!
Lady W: Yes ‘slew!’ And having slewed, he ran off into the night!
PC: It’s 3:30!
Lady W: The afternoon!
DCI: Constable, we are going to need some more ‘chalk’ outlines. If you can just mosey off, good lad. Don’t rush.
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DCI: It’s my opinion that the ‘perpetrator’ was known to the ‘victim’.
PC: They were married, sir.
DCI: Constable, I want you to round up the witnesses and have them all gathered in the… here… In ten minutes.
DCI: I shall now round up the ‘stiff’ and the ‘murderer’ and then we shall have one of those ‘Poirot-like’ reveals.
The police leave in opposite directions. Then recross the room, leave again. The ‘stiff’ returns, resumes place.
Nothing happens for a few minutes. Apart from the ‘stiff’ trying to get comfy. The phone rings. Nobody answers it.
Phone stops. Dr P enters, answers the unringing phone.
Dr P: Hello… Yes… 14 ounces in a pound, no. 16! Bye!
Dr P: Are you still dead?
De P: Nobody else here.
Stiff: Dead as a Do.
Dr P: Dodo?
Stiff: Not that dead!
Dr P: So, there is no victim.
Stiff: I’m teaching them a lesson.
Dr P: ‘Them’ are my family!
Dr P shoots the stiff.
Dr P leaves. The Police et al return (not Dr P).
DCI: Hello, hello, hello…
DCI: I heard a gunshot!
PC: I can see those months at Detective School weren’t wasted.
Dr 1: The dead man!
Dr1: He’s… dead!
Dr 1: No, he’s really dead. Before, he was only pretentious!
Dr 1: Pretending.
DCI: So, he’s ‘really’ dead?
Dr 1: Really! I should know – I am a doctor!
Dr P enters.
Dr P: No, that is not true!
DCI: Not a doctor?
PC: Not ‘dead?’
Dr 1: Yes, I am not a ‘dead’ doctor.
Dr P: Nor a ‘doctor!’
Dr1: What about Nora?
DCI: It seems a murder ‘may’ or ‘may not’ have occurred, I shall go to any lengths.
Dr1: Are you paid by the yard?
Dr P: What about my ‘impersonating a doctor’ accusation?
DCI: I take that most seriously. Constable, arrest him!
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