Category Archives: radio

A Radio Sketch


Ann 1: And now we have for your delectation : Glen Miller in the nude

Ann 2: in the ‘Mood!’ You donk!

Grams (a poor kazoo version of In The Mood starts up, initially it’s soft and subtle; but, then…)

SD 1 (just after it starts; before it goes bad) Ah, nice.

SD After a few moments Ann 2 states

Ann 2: That’s not Glenn Miller.

Ann 1: But, he is in the nude. Hey, mate; give it a rest, that’s fair doing my ears in… and it’s not doing much for my eyes, either. Get some togs on, will ya?

Ann 2: Did you book him?

Ann 1: If I was a cop I’d book him for something. I thought he was a sure winner; Glen Miller is very popular.

Ann 2: He died in 1945.

Ann 1: I thought he was younger. Just goes to show.

Ann 2: Show ‘what’ Exactly?

Ann 1: That you can’t judge a book by its cover.

Ann 2: Fair enough. Glenn?

Glen: It’s ‘Glen’ not ‘Glenn’.

Ann 2: Whatever. How old are you?

Glen: Forty-three, give or take.

Ann 2: Okay. I’ll ‘give’ you some advice; then you can ‘take’ it away with you. Sound fair?

Glen: Sounds fair to me.

Ann 2: Don’t give up the day job – and please don’t tell me that ‘this’ is it.

Glen: Certainly not, Madam. I am a qualified chartered accountant.

Ann 2: Figures.

Glen: Precisely.

Ann 2: Oh, well; good luck with that. And back to the show. Craig?

Ann 1: Thank you: and now ‘You can leave your hat on…’

Ann 2: Good grief.

Ann 1: By Tim Jones.


Radio Show Script April 2015


Announcer: …and it’s rapidly approaching three o’clock here on Radio Fourply, when we shall be travelling back in time to the cruel North Atlantic Ocean at the height of the Second World War, in this afternoon’s play: Convoy ON 42

SFX The Pips
piiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii (continues)

Voice: Oh, no! The radio has died. Crash Team!

SFX medical noises

Voice: Dial 360. Clear!

SFX defibrillator noises

Voice (over pips): It’s back – good job, team.

SFX sea noises (wind and rain)

Announcer: it is Nineteen-forty-one, we find ourselves on board the doughty HMS Mallard, somewhere in the North Atlantic Ocean.

SFX fade in Morse Code

In the radio room a message is being received

SFX Morse Code (continues for a few seconds and then ends)

Radio Officer: Well, I’ll be- (speaks into voice tube to Captain) Captain; we’ve just received a message from the Admiral.

Captain (with voice tube effect): What does it say, Sparker?

RO: I have no idea, Captain; the Morse is quite correct – I checked it twice – but, the message must also be in code. It just doesn’t make sense.

Capt.: Let me here it, Sparkers; see if we can fathom it out.

RO: Okay. It says… ‘We meet at the edge of the pond… for the sake of the ducks.’

Capt.: The ‘ducks?!’

RO: Precisely.

Capt.: Very strange. The ‘Pond’ could refer to the Atlantic ocean, and ‘we’ could be the ‘sitting ducks…’ Let me have a copy, I’ll work on it.

RO: Aye, aye, Captain.

Announcer: Meanwhile, close by, in the German üntersea-boat, U-471…

German Radio Officer: Herr Kapitän; we haff intercepted a message in ze Morse code from the Englisher fleet.

Kapitän: Ver Gut! Haff you translated it?

German Radio Officer: Yah! Herr Kapitän, I have used our special new decryption methods (unt a pencil and paper); but, I think that zay may haff used ze code words as well.

Kapitän: Ver cunning. Read it out, unt let us see.

German Radio Officer: Ja wohl, Herr Kapitän; it says: (slowly) ‘Ve meet at ze edge of ze pond; for ze sake of ze ducks!’

Kapitän: Ze ‘ducks!?’

German Radio Officer: Ja! Zat is ze message, Herr Kapitän.

Kapitän: Mmm, let me think upon it. These darn cunning Englishers.

Announcer: And that is why the Allies ultimately won the Battle of the Atlantic – with the help of the ducks!

All: The Ducks!!!!

Announcer: That was Convoy ON42; which is now available as a downloadable podcast.

Next on Radio Fourply – The Arts!

2nd Announcer: The Theatre is alive and the Bard is still relevant in this modern age; so let us listen in to a performance at The Rose Theatre, London with eminent thespian, Sir Wanton Thameside upon the stage before an enraptured audience. We find Sir Wanton as Henry V the night before Agincourt…

SD fade into Henry V speech

Sir Wanton:
‘And Crispin Crispian shall ne’er go by,
From this day to the ending of the world,
But we in it shall be remembered-
We few, we happy few, we band of brothers;
For he to-day that sheds his blood with me
Shall be my brother…’

Heckler 1: Rubbish!
Heckler 2: Get off!
Sir Wanton: What do you mean ‘Rubbish!’ It’s the Bard – Shakespeare!
Heckler 1: it’s a bit high-brow; why don’t you do one of the classics?
Sir Wanton: One of ‘the Classics!’ Did you have anything in mind?
Heckler 3: Do ‘The Ducks!’
Heckler 1: Yeah! Do ‘The Ducks!’
Heckler 2: We want ‘The Ducks!’ We want ‘The Ducks!’
SD Heckler 1 and 3 join in as does the rest of the audience.
Sir Wanton: Enough! Enough!
SD: The audience vocalisation of ‘We want ‘The Ducks!’ subsides (with a few ‘quacks!’ here and there).
Sir Wanton: Oh, very well; but, I shall expect a standing ovation at the very least!
SD A quiet descends.

Sir Wanton: We meet… at the edge of the pond… for the sake of the ducks.

Audience: The Ducks!

The End

PS if you have no idea what is going on in the above (and that is quite probable) I shall put Paul ‘Haribo’ Bailey’s ‘We Feed The Ducks’ to help. First performed in 2013, WFtD has become a classic in our concentric circles. Please enjoy. G:)

We Feed the Ducks

We meet at the edge of the pond
For the sake of the ducks
The Ducks must come first
How we love to feed the Ducks

And now the wretched come
With their tracksuits
And their ringtones
They Push Alfred in the pond
They Ride upon Stanley’s mobility scooter
And readjust his adjustable seat
Wendy, bless her she’s not as young as she was
She only succeeds in stabbing and drowning one of the scallywags
The others flee
How they flee
Like the cowards they are
Wendy lets them run
The ducks have their blood offering now

Paul Bailey
February 2013


Traffic Update (Radio Oxford)


    Traffic Update (Oxford Radio) Radio Sketch

Linda (end of an item): … and they were both inextricably locked together at the end of play.

Announcer: Which would just about wrap it up for the both of them. Thank you, Linda. Now, it’s time for an update on the traffic-

SFX Traffic News Jingle (“On the hour – and on the half-hour – Oxford’s traffic news for you!”)

Ann: over to Gavin. Gavin?

Gavin: Hello?

Ann: Hello, Gavin; whereabouts on our busy road network are you today?

Gavin: Hello?

Ann: Gavin! Can you hear me? Where are you, today?

Gavin: Loud and clear, Vince; I’m on the M25 approaching Scotch Corner.

Ann: I sincerely doubt that, Gavin; Scotch Corner is on the A1(M).

Gavin: Is that right?

Ann: I trust my knowledge that it is so.

Gavin: What?

Ann: Yes. What road ‘are’ you on – the M25 is a little off our patch for traffic updates.

Gavin: Hold on; I’ll ask the driver.


Gavin: The driver says were on the No.7a service from Folkestone to Deal. Near to Hever. In Kent.

Ann: Hever? The scenic route?

Gavin: Sorry?

Ann: Never mind. It’s a lovely part of the country; which, for an Oxfordshire Traffic Report, is quite useful.

Gavin: I thought it was strange for the M4 to be single-carriageway in places.

Ann: It would be unheard of. So, how is the traffic in the Hever area?

Gavin: Where?

Ann: Where ‘you’ are!

Gavin: I don’t know; we are currently stopped for the tourists to have a look around the castle.

Ann: Okay, Gavin, I’ll let you carry on with your site-seeing.

Gavin: Right-o!

Ann: And we’ll be back with Gavin in half-an-hour to see how busy the traffic is in the area of the gift shop-

SFX Traffic News Jingle (“On the hour – and on the half-hour – Oxford’s traffic news for you!”)

Ann (aside): And sometime Kent’s.

Ann: And now… the latest gossip from the Oxfordshire Debating Society (gradually fades). Recent debates of the O.D.S. have tended to become over-heated; and one even ended in a case of fisticuffs-

NB – please be aware that the above is nothing at all to do with BBC Radio Oxford, which is a fine institution (and I know, I’ve been in a few) G:)