Category Archives: Poetry

The Princess and the Pea

Now, I’m certainly no princess,

and my battery pack and lead

are not a pea;

but, apart from that…

So, just the one mattress,

a battery pack,

and a lead,

and I slept like a—

no, I didn’t,

I didn’t sleep at all,

and in the morning…

I couldn’t find my battery pack,

and I couldn’t find my lead,

and I couldn’t stop yawning –

strange times indeed.


I helped to save

a grasshopper,

an unknown bug,

and a bit of twig,

from the water

in a water bowl

that I had left out

for a dog,

a hog,

or a hydrophobic frog

on a gap year.

I almost saw myself

as some kind of a saviour;

they probably saw me as a

naughty boy

of long-term bad behaviour,

trying to redeem the voucher of himself.

‘another’ (Monday morning Haiku)

People seemed to like

my Monday Morning Haiku –

I wrote another.



Ghoul ash

The charred and papering remains

of a ghoul,

are not commonly known as ghoul ash;

no, some other thing

bears that name.

Our tortoise escaped

The other day,

our tortoise escaped;

we’d turned our backs

for no less than two minutes;

and that was when he saw his chance.

Through the open gate –

thank you, Postie –

and off up the road;

he led us a merry dance;

who’d have knowd

that a tortoise could reach

such velocity.

We think he was off to the beach, again ;

such precocity,

without a word of goodbye,

or a wave of farewell

(well,he might have waved,

it’s difficult to tell),

and he was gone,

up yon pavement,

(crossing at the crossing)

grabbing a leafy snack

at the passing allotment;

and, with no looking back,

he went off to the sands of the shore,

and the salt of the sea.

We couldn’t catch him;

but, he always comes home

in time for tea.

Mordor – on the Orient Express.

At the London ticket office.

‘No, you can’t get a ticket to Mordor – this train only goes to Venice.’

‘Venice? Can we change there for Mordor?’

‘You can certainly try.’

The (very tiny) elephant in the (very large) room

I, am just a tiny elephant,

and I, am hiding in a very large room,

hiding underneath a very shabby sofa,

I, am loitering in the gloom;

and no one knows I’m here;

and none have cause to fear,

and no one needs to talk about,,

the very tiny elephant

hiding in the gloom

under a very shabby sofa

in a very large room.

I’m a little Sea Slug

I’m a little sea slug

like my dad;

living off the Scilly Isles,

my life’s not bad;

came up here

from off the Spanish coast,

it’s difficult to say

which one I like the most.


See here for more about the sea slug

A Labradobee

If you try

and cross

a Labrador

with a bee

you will just get

a confused Labrador

and a bee

that is so much crosser

than it ought to be.

Do you see?

I had rather—

I had rather hear a crow

bark at a dog,

than the other way round;

but, Shakespeare knew what he meant,

and I know him

better than he knows me.