Category Archives: parody

Captain’s Log Entry – A Red Cloud Approaches.

Mr.S: It’s Strawberry Jam, Jim
But, not as we know it.

JTK: You mean, it’s ‘preserve?’

Mr. S: I shall have to carry out further analysis, Captain.

JTK: In your jim-jams?

Mr. S: That is not even remotely funny, Captain. Vulcans do not wear ‘jim-jams!’

JTK: Vulcans don’t wear PJs?

Mr. S: Not that I am aware of, Captain. Vulcan is a planet of propriety and sobriety.

JTK: So, you’ve never been to a Pyjama Party?

Mr. S: I do not believe a Vulcan has ‘ever’ attended one. We do know what they are – as we have sought knowledge upon many subjects – and have neither desired to attend or arrange one. Much can be said that that statement also applies to Garden Parties and Toga Parties.

Checkov (whispered to Sulu): Pooper!

Mr. S: Thank you, Mr. Checkov, I have extremely acute hearing; and consider your remark to be… I shall say, at the least… uninformed!

Sulu (whispered to Checkov): he probably sleeps in his uninform!

SD Sulu and Checkov giggle about this.

JTK: Gentlemen. Much as I love our little banter sessions; I think we should really be thinking about dealing with the red, amorphous cloud that is fast approaching us.

Mr. S: thank you. As I said Captain; the cloud is similar in many ways to an old-fashioned breakfast preserve from the 19th and 20th centuries, containing, as it does, a high percentage of natural Fructose sugar (and pips) an analysis of such has given results which I am strongly of the opinion indicate Strawberries.

Lt. Uhuru: We are receiving a transmission from the red cloud, Captain.

JTK (slightly bemused) We are?

Lt. Uhuru: It’s definitely coming from there, Captain.

JTK: Okay, let’s hear it, Lieutenant.

TBC

William McGonagall(ish)

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William McGonagallish!

I walked oot one day, for to stretch oot my legs;
I needed to clear from my head all the dregs
Of an evening’s hard drinking with whisky and gin
So, off to walk miles. At one step I’d begin.

I soon stopped for a wee while tae drink from my flask;
But, I couldnae get the lid off, it was a bit of a task
So I had to go thirsty, nae moisture for me
Until I went back home and had my supper for tea.

To His Coy Carp (with apologies to Andrew Mackerel)

Koi-Carp

If I haddock but rhyme enough, parsley, thyme
This poetic parody would be no crime.
If you could share my world or I inhabit thine,
Thy Koi Carp lifestyle, would be mine.
Thou in the Indian Ganges’ tide
Should bubbles blow; I by thy side
In Humber would exhale. I would
Feed you tench years long your fishy food,
And you should, if you please, stay unholy,
Till the conversion of the coley.
.
My mackerel love should grow
Vaster than empires, and more roe;
An hundred years should go to plaice
Both eyes upon thy offset face;
Two hundred to adore each fin,
But many thousand till I begin;
An age at least to every scale,
And the longest age should you turn whale.
For, Fishy, you deservèd skate,
Nor would I cook at lower rate.

But at my back I always hear
Time’s minnowèd chariot herring near;
But, I have other fish to fry
Deserts of bass eternally.
Thy beauty shall no more be found,
Nor, in thy waters’ realm, shall sound
My angling song: no worms shall try
To hook your preserved virginity,
And your quaint honour turbot dust,
And into ashes, eel my lust:
Though hake is fine and whitebait, dace,
But none, I think, do these embrace.

Now therefore, while the youthful glare
Sits on thy skin like sauce tartare,
And while, pike, whiting, sole, transpire
For evermore in deep-fat fryer,
Now let us sport us while we may,
And avoid the hungry birdseye of prey,
Rather at once our timely matter
Than languish in a slow-cooked batter.
Let us rollmop our strength and all
Our sweetness up into one fish ball,
And take our pleasures with rough fault
Without Cod’s vinegar and salt:
Thus, though you can but move your lips
Think this, my love, we’ve had our chips.

The Hunt For Red Crayon!

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A cheap remake of the 1990 action thriller. Where is Red Crayon? Can it be found before the red post-box needs to be drawn?

You’ll have to wait for this low-budget film to hit the big screen early in 2015, but a trailer will be posted here soon.

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