Category Archives: parody

Captain’s Log Entry – A Red Cloud Approaches.

Mr.S: It’s Strawberry Jam, Jim
But, not as we know it.

JTK: You mean, it’s ‘preserve?’

Mr. S: I shall have to carry out further analysis, Captain.

JTK: In your jim-jams?

Mr. S: That is not even remotely funny, Captain. Vulcans do not wear ‘jim-jams!’

JTK: Vulcans don’t wear PJs?

Mr. S: Not that I am aware of, Captain. Vulcan is a planet of propriety and sobriety.

JTK: So, you’ve never been to a Pyjama Party?

Mr. S: I do not believe a Vulcan has ‘ever’ attended one. We do know what they are – as we have sought knowledge upon many subjects – and have neither desired to attend or arrange one. Much can be said that that statement also applies to Garden Parties and Toga Parties.

Checkov (whispered to Sulu): Pooper!

Mr. S: Thank you, Mr. Checkov, I have extremely acute hearing; and consider your remark to be… I shall say, at the least… uninformed!

Sulu (whispered to Checkov): he probably sleeps in his uninform!

SD Sulu and Checkov giggle about this.

JTK: Gentlemen. Much as I love our little banter sessions; I think we should really be thinking about dealing with the red, amorphous cloud that is fast approaching us.

Mr. S: thank you. As I said Captain; the cloud is similar in many ways to an old-fashioned breakfast preserve from the 19th and 20th centuries, containing, as it does, a high percentage of natural Fructose sugar (and pips) an analysis of such has given results which I am strongly of the opinion indicate Strawberries.

Lt. Uhuru: We are receiving a transmission from the red cloud, Captain.

JTK (slightly bemused) We are?

Lt. Uhuru: It’s definitely coming from there, Captain.

JTK: Okay, let’s hear it, Lieutenant.


William McGonagall(ish)


William McGonagallish!

I walked oot one day, for to stretch oot my legs;
I needed to clear from my head all the dregs
Of an evening’s hard drinking with whisky and gin
So, off to walk miles. At one step I’d begin.

I soon stopped for a wee while tae drink from my flask;
But, I couldnae get the lid off, it was a bit of a task
So I had to go thirsty, nae moisture for me
Until I went back home and had my supper for tea.

To His Coy Carp (with apologies to Andrew Mackerel)


If I haddock but rhyme enough, parsley, thyme
This poetic parody would be no crime.
If you could share my world or I inhabit thine,
Thy Koi Carp lifestyle, would be mine.
Thou in the Indian Ganges’ tide
Should bubbles blow; I by thy side
In Humber would exhale. I would
Feed you tench years long your fishy food,
And you should, if you please, stay unholy,
Till the conversion of the coley.
My mackerel love should grow
Vaster than empires, and more roe;
An hundred years should go to plaice
Both eyes upon thy offset face;
Two hundred to adore each fin,
But many thousand till I begin;
An age at least to every scale,
And the longest age should you turn whale.
For, Fishy, you deservèd skate,
Nor would I cook at lower rate.

But at my back I always hear
Time’s minnowèd chariot herring near;
But, I have other fish to fry
Deserts of bass eternally.
Thy beauty shall no more be found,
Nor, in thy waters’ realm, shall sound
My angling song: no worms shall try
To hook your preserved virginity,
And your quaint honour turbot dust,
And into ashes, eel my lust:
Though hake is fine and whitebait, dace,
But none, I think, do these embrace.

Now therefore, while the youthful glare
Sits on thy skin like sauce tartare,
And while, pike, whiting, sole, transpire
For evermore in deep-fat fryer,
Now let us sport us while we may,
And avoid the hungry birdseye of prey,
Rather at once our timely matter
Than languish in a slow-cooked batter.
Let us rollmop our strength and all
Our sweetness up into one fish ball,
And take our pleasures with rough fault
Without Cod’s vinegar and salt:
Thus, though you can but move your lips
Think this, my love, we’ve had our chips.

The Hunt For Red Crayon!


A cheap remake of the 1990 action thriller. Where is Red Crayon? Can it be found before the red post-box needs to be drawn?

You’ll have to wait for this low-budget film to hit the big screen early in 2015, but a trailer will be posted here soon.