It is
What it is
There is always that.
More?
There is nothing more
Just take my word
It’s all inclusive.
By the Book (sic)
Bardly Writ
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Category Archives: mystery
An Explanation (Badriomaku #6)
Tales from the Whom Household (A Work in Progress)
An Episode in the #dialogueforaplay series
Dr. P: Hello! I’m Doctor Proctor, Vector Inspector.
Maud: Really?
Dr. P: Yes. Don’t you believe me?
Maud: Well, it is a bit far-fetched.
Dr. P: I am an imminent physician!
Maud: Don’t you mean ’eminent?’
Dr. P: I might do. In time. Who is asking?
Maud: Whom?
Dr. P: Okay; ‘whom’ is asking?
Maud: No. I am Lady Whom, Lady Maud Whom. The last in a long line of Whoms.
Dr. P: Ah! Just the parsonage that I was looking for!
Maud: If you are looking for the Parsonage, it’s by the church – as is usual in these villages.
Dr. P: Sorry? I think you misunderstand, or misunderstood me. I was looking for Lady Whom.
Maud: You ‘was’ looking for her? Have you stopped looking for her now, young man?
Dr. P: I have. Seeing as how I has now found her whereabouts; which turned out to be hereabouts.
Maud: Or thereabouts!
Dr. P: Precisely! I was misdirected the wrong way by some youths on the traffic islands at the edge of the village.
Maud: Layabouts… on roundabouts.
Dr. P: In-deed!
Maud: And in fact, supposéd doctor.
Dr. P: I must speak with you.
Maud: Then we must stop this conversation immediately.
Dr. P: Or sooner.
Maud: Very well. (There is a short pause) About what would you speak to Lady Whom about?
Dr. P: Do you always speak of yourself in the third person?
Maud: Yes; I used to play cricket.
Dr. P: Ah! I see.
Narr: Though he clearly didn’t.
Dr. P: And who or ‘whom’ are you Sirrah?
Narr: I am the narrator to your conversation; I add a few details here and there to allow the listener (or the reader) to understand what is going on.
Dr. P: Why should they be akin to that knowledge when we so clearly are not?
Narr: It is the way of things in this sort of genre, Dr. Proctor.
Dr. P: Harrumph!
Maud: Yes. I can see that it may be a help to our audience; but, it is a bit unfair on us.
Narr: I have no free will in this, malady; my words have been written for me in advance.
Dr. P: What! Are we predestined to a destined destination?
Narr: Yes.
Maud: And we have to follow a path set out for us.
Narr: Yes.
Dr. P: Without any hope of ultimate salvation?
Narr: Yes.
Maud:
The Returning of Library Books
Delilah Badger walked into the library.
“Excuse me…!”
There was nobody in sight.
“Is there anybody there?”
She waited for perhaps ten seconds (actually seven) and repeated her query, but with an emphasis on the word ‘anybody.’
“Is there ‘anybody’ there?”
Nothing.
Delilah walked over to the ‘Staff Only’ sign-encumbered door and knocked briskly three times upon its imposing façade.
The door could have been the entrance to an Egyptian tomb; it was as solid as a cliff face – and particularly uninviting.
Delilah tried the door handle. It turned. She pushed. It gave. Then swung open with all the grace and style of a ballerina (supposedly to allow a book-toting librarian easy access). Delilah entered the room beyond.
There was a sturdy Librarian’s mug on the coffee table, with steam curling up decorously from within it; a side-plate, with a partially eaten Rich Tea biscuit upon it, to the side. For a library staff room – it was certainly lacking something – librarians, for a start.
Having ascertained that there were no exits from here, Delilah returned to the main library itself. Still nobody in sight.
“Is there ‘ANYBODY’ at all, of any shape or size, in this LIBRARY!” shouted Delilah, flagrantly ignoring the ‘SILENCE’ signs that were dotted every six feet along the walls; being presided over by the master of the ‘SILENCE’ sign, located above the main desk; which had daubed upon the hanging sign, letters twelve inches high ‘quoting the inimitable: ‘SILENCE, Please!’
Delilah sighed; popped her bag open and took out the three books from within. She placed them upon the counter. They sat there, silently – well behaved books, they were.
Delilah wrote a quick note upon an ‘overdue’ slip of paper and popped it into the front of the top book; which, ironically, was ‘The Story of the “Marie Celeste” ‘ (with 35 illustrations) by Charles Edey Fay.
Delilah Badger left the library and was never seen again.
Posted in books, library, mystery, overdue, readme, story, writing
Tagged #dissapearances, #libraries, #library, #marieceleste, #shortstory, mystery, story
#dialogueforaplay (Tweets 106-111)
#dialogueforaplay 106
PC Leaves (it’s his name) leaves.
Lady W: Do you think he suspects?
Syd: He hasn’t a clue!
Stiff: He’s not alone.
Tbc
#dialogueforaplay 107
Syd: Are you still alive?
Stiff: I’m ‘invincible!’
Lady W: I can see you!
Stiff: Really?
Lady W: As plain as this!
Tbc
#dialogueforaplay 108
The dagger gets the stiff ‘really’ dead.
Lady W: Now that ‘we’ have cleared the field, the Whom fortune is mine!
Tbc
#dialogueforaplay 109
Syd: Yours?
Lady W: Yes, mine, take this!
Syd: A bottle with ‘Poison!’ writ on it!
Lady W: I’m all out of knives.
Tbc
#dialogueforaplay 110
Syd: Do you really think I’m going to drink this?
Lady W: Not at all – that’s why I coated the bottle in poison.
Tbc
#dialogueforaplay 111
Syd: You…
Syd dies
Lady W: …win?
PC Leaves returns.
PC: I’m going to need a bigger notebook!
PC Leaves leaves
Tbc
#dialogueforaplay (tweets 76-90) The Gravy Plot Thickens
#dialogueforaplay 76
DCI: It’s my opinion that the ‘perpetrator’ was known to the ‘victim’.
PC: They were married, sir.
DCI: Precisely!
Tbc
#dialogueforaplay 77
DCI: Constable, I want you to round up the witnesses and have them all gathered in the… here… In ten minutes.
Tbc
#dialogueforaplay 78
DCI: I shall now round up the ‘stiff’ and the ‘murderer’ and then we shall have one of those ‘Poirot-like’ reveals.
Tbc
#dialogueforaplay 79
The police leave in opposite directions. Then recross the room, leave again. The ‘stiff’ returns, resumes place.
Tbc
#dialogueforaplay 80
Nothing happens for a few minutes. Apart from the ‘stiff’ trying to get comfy. The phone rings. Nobody answers it.
Tbc
#dialogueforaplay 81
Phone stops. Dr P enters, answers the unringing phone.
Dr P: Hello… Yes… 14 ounces in a pound, no. 16! Bye!
Tbc
#dialogueforaplay 82
Dr P: Are you still dead?
Stiff: Me?
De P: Nobody else here.
Stiff: Dead as a Do.
Dr P: Dodo?
Stiff: Not that dead!
Tbc
#dialogueforaplay 83
Dr P: So, there is no victim.
Stiff: I’m teaching them a lesson.
Dr P: ‘Them’ are my family!
Dr P shoots the stiff.
Tbc
#dialogueforaplay 84
Dr P leaves. The Police et al return (not Dr P).
DCI: Hello, hello, hello…
Omnes: Hello!
DCI: I heard a gunshot!
Tbc
#dialogueforaplay 85
PC: I can see those months at Detective School weren’t wasted.
Dr 1: The dead man!
Omnes: What?
Dr1: He’s… dead!
Tbc
#dialogueforaplay 86
Dramatic Chords
Dr 1: No, he’s really dead. Before, he was only pretentious!
Stiff: Pretending!
Dr 1: Pretending.
Tbc
#dialogueforaplay 87
DCI: So, he’s ‘really’ dead?
Dr 1: Really! I should know – I am a doctor!
Dr P enters.
Dr P: No, that is not true!
Tbc
#dialogueforaplay 88
DCI: Not a doctor?
PC: Not ‘dead?’
Dr 1: Yes, I am not a ‘dead’ doctor.
Dr P: Nor a ‘doctor!’
Dr1: What about Nora?
Tbc
#dialogueforaplay 89
DCI: It seems a murder ‘may’ or ‘may not’ have occurred, I shall go to any lengths.
Dr1: Are you paid by the yard?
Tbc
#dialogueforaplay 90
Dr P: What about my ‘impersonating a doctor’ accusation?
DCI: I take that most seriously. Constable, arrest him!
Tbc
Posted in crime, detective, dialogue, dialogueforaplay, murder, mystery, Play, silly, sleuth, theater, theatre
Tagged #dialogueforaplay, #foolishness, #hangerfarmpoets, #play. '#theatre, #spoof, #theater, crime, detective, Dialogue, murder, mystery, Silliness
#dialogueforaplay (Tweets 64-75)
Act 2 Scene1
Stage is lit. A uniformed policeman is present. The lights go out as DCI Syd of CID enters. He trips
Tbc
DCI: Darn!
The lights go up. DCI is on the floor with the white outline. He stands up with it. DCI: What’s this?
Tbc
PC: That’s the outline of the stiff’s body, sir.
DCI: Isn’t it supposed to be in chalk? PC: HSE rules! Dust hazard!
Tbc
DCI: Chalk dust! A hazard? You cannot be serious!
PC: Deadly, sir.
DCI: Deadly ‘serious’ or deadly ‘chalk dust’?
Tbc
PC: Both! We have to use chalk ‘substitute’.
DCI: It’s ‘Iron!’ Aren’t HSE worried about ‘rust!’
PC: I can’t say.
Tbc
DCI: You can tell me I’m a policeman.
PC: You’re a policeman!
DCI: Really! By the way; where has the stiff gone?
Tbc
PC: The body of the “deceased” was apprehended trying to buy a drink in the intermission. He wasn’t ‘really’ dead!
Tbc
DCI: Constable, let’s pretend that the ‘stiff’ is a real ‘live’ dead man for the moment. The public expects it.
Tbc
PC: Make a wish!
DCI: Sorry?
PC: As you wish! Tip of the Slongue.
DCI: Have you been drinking?
PC: Yes, sir, water!
Tbc
DC Acey enters. Sees policemen, about turns.
DCI: Have you found any clues, Constable?
PC: Only snooker ones, sir.
Tbc
DCI: I’ll let that rest. Where are the suspects?
PC: They were in the bar, too.
DCI: Keep it realistic, constable.
Tbc
An unknown lady walks in from ‘out’.
Lady: Is this the ‘Crime Scene?’
DCI: It is.
Lady: Lovely! Thanks!
She leaves.
Tbc
-/-
Posted in crime, dialogueforaplay, murder, mystery, suspense, whodunnit
Tagged #dialogueforaplay, #play, #suspense, #whodunnit, crime, detective, murder
#dialogueforaplay Tweets 21-30
Dr 1: Would a knife sticking into his back be… a clue to his probable death?
Dr P: Yes – is there one?
Dr 1: No.
Tbc
There is a lull
DC Acey: Ummm!
Laura: Don’t you have to draw around the body now?
DC Acey: Yes – that’s a plan!
Tbc
Dr. 1: Should I call an ambulance?
DC Acey: You should, yes.
Dr 1: But, will I?
DC Acey: Yes – stop being a prat!
Tbc
Laura: Dr P?
DR P: Yes, Laura?
Laura: I’ve been getting these pains in my chest – would you like to take a look?
Tbc
DC Acey: I’m not sure that is a good idea!
Dr P: Why not?
DC Acey: Because Laura is hiding a secret!
Laura: I am?
Tbc
Dramatic Music
Laura: Yes, it’s true! I have a deep, dark secret. Nobody has realised that I am not Laura, but…
Tbc
Laura: …I am… (dramatic pause) …
Dr P: Get on with it!
DC Acey: Ditto.
Dr P: Ditto? Are you an imbecile?
Tbc
DC Acey: I may be – who wants to know?
Dr 1: I don’t.
Laura: Are you interested in what I am?
Dr P: Yes, my son!
Tbc
Laura: (gasps) You knew?
Dr P: I have always known – ever since your birth, Laurence!
Dr 1: Florence? Son? What?
Tbc
DC Acey: Yes, this is Laurence Protocol aka Laura.
Laurence: And I killed Harold in spite!
Dr 1: In spite of what?
Tbc
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This is a note to say that if you have got this far – well done and thank you G:) #dialogueforaplay
Posted in crime, detective, murder, mystery, novel, story, wip, workinprogress
Tagged #dialogueforaplay, #hangerfarmpoets, @HolisticMoon, crime, detective, infograe, murder, mystery
