Category Archives: limericks

One Potato, Two Potato, Three Potato…

Mr PotatoHead

Potato Limerick #1

A ‘potato’ is a wonder”, said Edward the king

In fact it’s absolutely, positively mash-ing!

Boiled or chipped (in case you lose it)’

Sauteéd (once flipped – being careful not to bruise it);

Au Gratin, dans le matin, just the thing.”

 

Potato Limerick #2

The potatoes are coming!” the little boy cried.

We all ran for cover; but, the little boy lied.

When we surfaced from hiding

With our fears all subsiding;

He laughed at our faces and much wounded pride.

 

Potato (ish) Limerick (ish) #3 (in two parts)

You say potato, and I say chips

As in ‘Potato’ and, as in ‘Chips’

Potato!”

Chips!”

You know it might just catch on – barring mishaps.

 

You say tomato, and I say soup

As in ‘Tomato’ and, as in ‘soup’

Tomato!”

Soup!”

You know it might just catch on – perhaps.

Listless Limericks for 27th September, 2014

Listless Limericks - 27th September 2014

The Way of the Limerick

The first line is always the worst;
Then the second line, which quickly follows the first;
Then is the third
The forth is then heard
And to come last the fifth line is eternally cursed!

-/-

The WOTD

The ‘Word of the Day’ it is… ‘Euphoric!!!

Which in Aberdeen is spoken in Doric

So, in the Aberdonian ‘Play of the Day’ which is…

Hamlet;  Hamlet doth say:

(To Horatio): ‘Alas, puir Yorick!”*

* (From Willam Shakespeare’s Danish Play -Aberdeen Ed.  ‘Alas, puir Yorick, Ah kent heem, Horatio; a fellaw ay infinite jest.’
-:-
A statue from Central Aberdeen
One night was sprayed fluorescent green
The police were confused
The public amused
But, to so paint the Prince Albert ‘was’ mean!
-/-
Whilst piloting Flight 612
The captain discovered a screw
Laying loose on the floor
Then he found three screws more
Then his false leg fell off – over Crewe!
-/-
The end of the world is Nigh!
So come let us all say goodbye!
“Cheerio!”
“Time to go!”
“We’re all of us going to die…!”… eventually!
-/-
The man who is writing these words
Refuses point-blank to shoot birds
Clay pigeons – yes.
He has pacifist aims, I guess
And he’s a poet, so he’s one of the nerds!
-/-
A Scotsman was wearing a quilt
Because of the food he had Spilt
It covered his knees,
his ankles, phalanges;
But, it nowhere near covered his guilt!*

(*at not wearing a kilt!)
-/-

The AWOTD

 The ‘Alternative Word of the Day’ it is… ‘Mistaken’

For I can’t understand what you mean by ‘taekin?

Am I ‘taekin’ two yews?

I’m not, please excuse –

I’m from the South, where old Daleks are all but forsaken!*

* It may help you to understand the above to know that it was written in Aberdeen where I had the great delight of having a conversation with a local chappie last night who clearly thought that he made perfect sense – I only heard that he was suffering from Hay-Fever (and not from visiting the Theatre) and that explained his situation. I think a fine 12-year-old Hay-Fever was more likely! I’m from the very south of England.

 -/-

Whilst writing a few of the above

The writer thought about his true love

At home with the pets

He hopes that she gets

A laugh from some of the above!

(to Jane x)

-/-

Note to the discernible reader: I do make all of these up for you, just you. I hope they bring a smile to your face, as they have to mine –  G:)

Lumpy Limericks for 25th September,2014

September Limericks 25th 2

-/-

A young lad from Ashby-de-la-Zouch
Was intending his girlfriend to smooch
He bought her some flowers
And counted down the hours
But, he never got so much as a touch (pronounced ‘Tooch!’)

-/-

There once was a driver from Coleraine
Who couldn’t drive his lorry in Spain
He’d stop at the border
In total disorder
And turn round and drive home again.

-/-

In the town where I was born
There is a man who stands forlorn
On a street
The night to greet
From late in the evening to early dawn.

-/-

A Limerick
That is quick
Will
Still
Be slick!

-/-

The ‘Word of the Day’ it is ‘Haunting’
To open creaky doors is so daunting
You shiver and shake
At the ghost in the lake
And the dismembered head that is taunting.

-/-

One dreary day in Aberdeen
A man dressed up as the queen
Nobody gave
Much heed to his wave;
From a bike, he’d no limousine!

-:-

Whilst out chasing mice in the garden,
A cat heard a low voice say “Pardon
Me, I too am a mouse, you see,
But crossed with boxing kangaroos
Our meekness for to harden.

-/-

A message to earth from deep space
Threatened the whole human race
“We will cleanse your planet
Of every John and his Janet
The way you’ve carried on’s a disgrace!”

-/-

Whilst preparing some carrots for lunch
A detective received a good hunch
If they were peeled and then plated
(A task instigated)
He could investigate how well they’d crunch!

-/-
Sandwich Lady on the set of a well known Shakespearean play Limerick
“To be or not to be
That is your question, you see;
Exist or desist –
But, can I add to my list
A ham or a lettuce sandwich for thee?”

-/-

The ‘Alternative Word of the Day’ it is… ‘Trouble’

Where confrontation and conflict burst your bubble

To argue the toss

To leave at a loss

To be at it hammer and tongs at the double!

-/-

A Limerick strolled into a Gothic story

Stood there like a lord in his glory

And said ” I am short –

“And sweet to the thought –

But, I’m more suited to something less gory!

-/-

A limerick was chatting to a friend

About how a good Limerick should end

The Haiku,  he said,

“Limerick! You should go quick!”

Into mirth descend!

-/-

A Limerick waltzed into a bar

– three quarters of the time.

-/-

Loquacious Limericks for 17th September, 2014

Loquacious LimerickS

The ‘Word of the Day’ it is… ‘Bathing!’
‘Too long in the bath!’ they cry – somewhat scathing.
But if your bath is too short
They think you’ve washed naught
Just a flick behind ears – your flannel not drowning, just waving!

-/-

There is a man in Birmingham
His name is Stan and he loves jam
Honey, crisps,
Money, lisps;
But his treasure is an old can of Spam!

-/-

The ‘Fruit of the Day’ is an ‘Orange!’
With which nothing is rhyming at all
So perhaps I’ll use ‘Apple’
For my fruit rhyme to grapple
And hope you don’t notice my gall

-/-

Once, many long years ago,

On a Tuesday, it started to snow;

The dinosaurs failed

Last breaths they exhaled

But, some say that that wasn’t so.

-/-

There was a young man from Milan

Who wrote a terse note to a man

He said, “Signore, tu menti!

Hai un IQ di venti!”

I guess he’s not my numero uno fan!

-/-

Where there is a Limerick

There is also a sigh or a groan

It’s best to leave a Limerick alone

But, if you ‘do’ read

Of that lady from Berwick-upon-Tweed

It will be hard to stifle a moan.

-/-

The last Limerick laughs longest – Discuss

-/-

A scientist once had a lab;

He took it for walks –

It was a Labrador.

-/-

I wondered lonely about a Limerick,

As a poet must often do;

I wrote the first,

And then one more –

My count was up to two.

A third appeared

and then a forth

My muse was overflowing;

But I’d written all the darn things wrong

So I won’t be them here showing!

-/-

To err is said to be human

As oft did people say

I don’t know about all these old words

I talk like it’s today – innit!

-/-

A haiku written in haste

Is often done in bad taste

Too many a word

Has often occurred

With more syllables than should be there placed.

-/-

#SeptemberLimericks. #Limericks, #hangerfarmpoets, #infograe, @infograe, @PoemMeGroup

Languorous Limericks for 15th September, 2014

languorousLimerick S

The word of the day – it is ‘doff’

Which I dont think is used quite enoff

You just tip your cap

and, barring mishap,

You can carry on from where you left off.

-/-

There was a young man from Tralee

Who got older each day – do you see?

And tomorrow he’ll be

One hundred and three

No longer the young man there now is he.

-/-

There was a young man from Algiers

Who was over-equipped in his ears

It made him quite wide

So he did decide

To sell pictures of them as souvenirs!

-/-

A pilot whilst steering his crate

Was distracted by an online debate

He texted ‘I’m sure

Your profit’s secure!’

And the co-pilot decided their fate!

-/-

On the third day of the seventh month of the fourth year

We finally had nothing to fear

All dinosaurs gone

The sun it now shone

And we just waited for Man(un)kind to appear.

-/-

A Limerick walked into a bar

He needed a drink – he’d come far

He ordered some ale

it arrived in a pail

Which is, all-in-all, pe-cu-li-ar!

-/-

A Limerick

Is quick

When said

In your head

May stick.

-/-

“Whom shall it be?” cried the priest.

As he looked to the west and the east

“Who!” someone corrected

‘They’ were quickly selected

And provided the sacrifice before the feast!

-/-

There was a young waitress from Spain

Who arrived on a plane in the rain

A proverb had she

That she quoted for free

But it’s forgotten by now, in the main.

-/-

There once was a man with an orange

Who didn’t have a Limerick written about him!

-/-

St Peter has a gate

At which he does wait

With a list of names

Of dudes and dames

And he ticks them off – he’s up to 8!

-/-

The trouble with writing a Limerick

Is that the writing takes ages to do

The lines they must Rhyme

And be of a certain length

Otherwise it won’t be the slightest bit funny

At all.

-/-

A man tapped the letters before…

Until he could tap the letters no more…

TBC

-/-

#SeptemberLimericks

#Limericks

Lame & Limp Limericks for 13th September, 2014

Lame 1and 1 editLimp 1LimerickS

Welcome to Limericks – Day 12

We’ve had to take some from the shelve

We know that was wrong

It’s where they belong

And it’s from the shelf, not the shelve, we did delve!

-/-

As you can see we are no good at dates

It’s the thirteenth! We asked all our mates

Some did concur – “Yes, the 12th”

Others did blur “It’s probably, almost, quite likely the 12th)

But it ‘is‘ the 13th – as our calendar states!

-/-

The word of the day is… ‘bizarre!’

The wackiest, weirdest word by ‘so far’

It’s frenzied and whirly

frothy and curly

and drips pure bling and eats caviar.

-/-

It’s hard to ignore a Nora

If you do they may give you what for a

And, you never know,

If you pass £200, and don’t collect – Go!

You and she may end up the poorer.

-/-

On the banks of the O-hi-o

There’s a man from a travelling show

He’s paid the cost

Now he looks like he’s lost

All messed up, with nowhere to go.

-/-

There once was a McVicar named Dirk

Who wished that his name was Trevor

For Limericks called him a Burk

When in fact he was really rather clever…

And handsome… and he wrote poetry… at work… in the kirk… he did.

-/-

A Birmingham waiter named Stan

Was a very efficient man

“A table for two?

Will here do?”

Then he billed you before you began.

-/-

There was an old man called Dennis

Who visited the city of Venice.

He said: “Are you joking?

Your streets are quite soaking!”

Then shouted: “Your plumbing’s a menace!”

-.-

This Limerick has only one flaw

So, it’s no use looking for more

It’s slightly too short

of lines there are only four!

-/-

There was a young man name of Brian

Who went for a pizza: Hawaiian.

He had a stuffed crust –

When you’re hungry you must –

But his had a whole shepherd’s pie in.

-/-

A Limerick walked into a bar

“Ouch!” he cried – it was an iron bar!

-/-

In the year 2525

If man is still alive

Oops! Sorry! That’s a song!

-/-

#SeptemberLimericks

@infograe

#hangerfarmpoets