Category Archives: Limerick

Lumpy Limericks for 25th September,2014

September Limericks 25th 2

-/-

A young lad from Ashby-de-la-Zouch
Was intending his girlfriend to smooch
He bought her some flowers
And counted down the hours
But, he never got so much as a touch (pronounced ‘Tooch!’)

-/-

There once was a driver from Coleraine
Who couldn’t drive his lorry in Spain
He’d stop at the border
In total disorder
And turn round and drive home again.

-/-

In the town where I was born
There is a man who stands forlorn
On a street
The night to greet
From late in the evening to early dawn.

-/-

A Limerick
That is quick
Will
Still
Be slick!

-/-

The ‘Word of the Day’ it is ‘Haunting’
To open creaky doors is so daunting
You shiver and shake
At the ghost in the lake
And the dismembered head that is taunting.

-/-

One dreary day in Aberdeen
A man dressed up as the queen
Nobody gave
Much heed to his wave;
From a bike, he’d no limousine!

-:-

Whilst out chasing mice in the garden,
A cat heard a low voice say “Pardon
Me, I too am a mouse, you see,
But crossed with boxing kangaroos
Our meekness for to harden.

-/-

A message to earth from deep space
Threatened the whole human race
“We will cleanse your planet
Of every John and his Janet
The way you’ve carried on’s a disgrace!”

-/-

Whilst preparing some carrots for lunch
A detective received a good hunch
If they were peeled and then plated
(A task instigated)
He could investigate how well they’d crunch!

-/-
Sandwich Lady on the set of a well known Shakespearean play Limerick
“To be or not to be
That is your question, you see;
Exist or desist –
But, can I add to my list
A ham or a lettuce sandwich for thee?”

-/-

The ‘Alternative Word of the Day’ it is… ‘Trouble’

Where confrontation and conflict burst your bubble

To argue the toss

To leave at a loss

To be at it hammer and tongs at the double!

-/-

A Limerick strolled into a Gothic story

Stood there like a lord in his glory

And said ” I am short –

“And sweet to the thought –

But, I’m more suited to something less gory!

-/-

A limerick was chatting to a friend

About how a good Limerick should end

The Haiku,  he said,

“Limerick! You should go quick!”

Into mirth descend!

-/-

A Limerick waltzed into a bar

– three quarters of the time.

-/-

Librarian Limericks for 24th September, 2014

A simple logo for "Ask a Librarian" service.LimerickS

The ‘Word of the Day’ it is… Disgraceful!

It is bad-manners whilst filling your face full

Of trifle and cake,

Cod fillet and hake,

And spraying the audience  – is this graceful?

-/-

A man from Cardigan did travel

In a jumper which did start to unravel

He headed due west

As he slowly undressed

And when got there… he was just in his vest!

(See what I did there – not many good rhymes for ‘Travel’ and I couldn’t fit ‘gravel’ in. G )

-/-

The end
My friend
Near
Here
END!

-/-

A man,
Called Stan;
Talked,
Walked,
Phoned his Nan.

-/-

Whilst cycling through Stockton-on-Tees
A cyclist lost track of his knees
He got off his bike
And said: “I dislike
Limericks! Can I have them back, please”

-/-

The centre of the Earth is quite hot
It is, believe it or not;
There is lava and such
Which is too hot to touch
And it’s a place where I’m glad I am not!

-/-

A great idea for a Limerick came into my head

Last night, as I was just getting ready for bed;

“I’ll remember it tomorrow!” I thought;

But today, to my sorrow, there’s nought!

So, you are stuck with this other one instead

-/-

The ‘Alternative Word of the Day’ it is… ‘glamour’

Which is truly fabulous to enamour;

Shiny and flash

You’ll cut a dash

If you just didn’t dress like your grammar.

-/-

There was a man from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch
Who lost his favourite sock
If it’s location you learn
Could you please return
It to him at no. 17 Church Place, Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch!

-/-

The trouble with writing a Limerick
Is that they are over so very quick
They are too short
Teaching us nought;
Such as how a ‘Moon-Clock’ is known as a ‘Lunatic!’

-/-

A Limerick bumped into a Bard
Who said “All your frivolity – discard!”
The Limerick sighed
And sadly replied:
“To be anything else would be hard.”

-/-

This is an ‘ironic’, not an ‘iconic’ Limerick

A Limerick is not just five lines in an aabba rhyme scheme

It is a vocation, a calling, a future from a dream

There is no other that puts

It’s poetry into foots

In the way that a well-written Limerick does!
-/-

A Limerick placed last in a list

Said: “I should really be first – I insist!”

But the writer was bland

To the  Limerick’s demand;

“Last you will go, please desist.”

-/-

Lilting Limericks for September 23rd, 2014

liltingLimerickS

-/-

The ‘Word of the Day’ it is… ‘Fidictious

A word I made up just like ‘Prediciamous’

It’s top of my list

Though it does not exist

As a present that I would like for Chrisiamious!

-/-

Limerick Inspired by So’ton (Southampton) Wrimos

There once were some writers from So’ton

Who were writing of lands long forgotten

Space ships in flight

Murder with spite

Or the best way to hurry the plot on.

-/-

A Limerick was once dedicated
To a man who limericks hated
But, even he had to laugh
About the telescopic giraffe
Who says that poetry is over-rated?

And now, I suppose, I will have to create a Limerick about a telescopic giraffe!  Wish me luck as you wave me… etc.

There once was a lonely giraffe
Who was sad, just refusing to laugh
But, his sight once myopic
Became telescopic
And he could see for a mile and a half.

Maybe… could be better.

There was a giraffe who was lonely
He looked for his one true and only
But, a keeper, Philanthropic,
Made ‘her’ neck telescopic;
And they lived together, quite homely.

Not the best end rhyme for line 5…

A giraffe with a telescopic neck
Said “The ups and downs make me a wreck!”
The keepers deducted
A neck-brace, which they constructed,
Would keep all that bobbing in check.

Not 100% happy yet, sorry!

A giraffe at the zoo had a plight
Something in his neck wasn’t right
It was the main topic-
A neck, telescopic!
It certainly gave the small children a fright!

-/-

A Limerick walked into a Septembar!

=/=

Graeme’s Ukulele song No.1 Limerick

Over the hills and far away

My busking love and I did play

We strummed from Spring until the end of Fall

Still came away with… bugger all!

(Oh,  my gosh, the language, I hear you say!!)

-/-

A Gentleman who hailed from Prestatyn

Caught a taxi – to put his new hat in

He followed behind

(He only had half a mind)

With a pet-carrier that he had his cat in!

-/-

One day, on the banks of the Seine

A French man become quite insane

He balanced some frogs

Upon two passing dogs

Then fell into the river – quite mad!

-/-

L.O. Quent’s Limericks for September 22nd, 2014

QuenT(1)apostrophe sLimerickS

The word of the day is ‘ARGUMENTATIVE’

The position you take that won’t give

No it isnt!

Yes it is!

Oh, what rot!

I’m telling you it is!

And I know it’s not!

Well, we’ll just have to live and let live.

-/-

A Limerick in some need of respite

Changed his font from black to white

He did it, you see

To hide from you and me

Until he felt that things were alright!

-/-

A Limerick went

(With the best of intentions)

To Poetry School.

-/-

The ‘Alternative Word of the Day’ it is… INFLATABLE

How far to pump it is debatable

If you don’t get it right

There’s a chance it just might

Explode in your face…  a fact here stateable!

(which I wasn’t at all happy with… so…)

The ‘Revised Alternative Word of the Day’ it is… INFLATABLE

How much to blow up its importance: debatable;

Too much, and it’s trouble,

Pressure bursts your bubble

Not enough, and it’s barely aeratable.

Which I am a little bit happier with – G:)

-/-

Limey Rick walked into a bar…

(That sounds a little bit more feasible!)

NB See @HolisticMoon for details

-/-

When all is said and is done

Those that lay under the sun

Will often get burnt

‘Cause they haven’t learnt

The need for ‘Sun-Factor 51 (available from all disreputable chemists at a mere $15 a squirt!)

*this Limerick was brought to you courtesy of S-F51!

-/-

A man was interviewed on TV

For selling hot donuts for free

He said they were a gift

To give people a lift

But, he never divulged his recipe.

-/-

When a Limerick is written in haste

There’s a jarring effect to your taste

When the rhyming is lax

And the rhyme scheme, it sucks,

The Ducks!!!

(Especially when there are some random extra lines)

(also the spell-cheque could have been used-

to good effect)

Also, those asides (in parenthesis) are off-putting

(and long words! What is ‘Parenthesis?’ for Lummy’s Sake!)

And of paper and ink it’s a waist.

-/-

A woman from a town in the North

Was bitten by a dog…

More on that later.

-/-

The Limerick is a wizened old beast

Of poetic forms, it is the least

But, it’s short and cute

And doesn’t give a hoot

And proves that poetry is not yet deceased!

????????????????????????????????????????????????????

=/=

Lush Limericks for 21st September, 2014

LushLimerickS

There was a young man, rather silly

Who would bathe in warm Piccalilli

He said “It is great

For changing the state –

From warm to decidedly chilly!

-/-

A Limerick is

What it was and what it is

No argument there

But, what if we did change it,

Made it unfunny like this.

-/-

The Word of the Day is Upsetting

It’s spilling the coffee you’re getting

Or telling a God’s Honest fact

When you should have used tact

And those words that you’ve said, you’re regretting.

-/-

There once was a podiatrist named Hector

Who treated a Police Chief Inspector,

The policeman’s flat feet

Were from his years on the beat

So Hector the podiatrist fitted the Police Chief Inspector with a low-arch corrector and that seemed to do the trick.

-/-

There was a young Scotsman named Jock

Who had a huge enormous… caber

It was covered in muck

So Jock, he said: “Oh, dear!

To clean it will cause me some labour.

-/-

The ‘Alternative Word of the Day’ it is… “OSTENTATIOUS”

It’s big and it’s brash, and in your face, yes

It’s too big to be practical

Larger than life – to be factual

And if it says that it’s humble – it’s being audacious!

-/-

Thursday Late-Night Opening Limerick

There was a young shopper named Alice

Who went to Harrods to look for a chalice

The stock there was light

And none of them ‘quite’ right

So she stole one from Buckingham Palace!

NB – No, Alice didn’t really do that; she is much too nice and wouldn’t steal anything at all; it was just a made-up story.

-/-

Character Limerick (with a little help from…)

The illustrious Fifi Go-Cart Smith;

A writer, a legend, a myth

To her animals a god;

And with her flexible bod

Is seeking employment, forthwith.

-/-

Limerick-Writing (extracted from my book – available at some point in the future)

I am on my break, but came up with the lines:

“There was a young man from Dungannon

Who was fiddling about with a cannon…”

I shall mull on this as I wash-up last night’s tea things, clear the decks, and prepare my repast. I’ll be Arnie.

Update (though I am still in the midst or ‘mist’ of washing up): I am considering the choice of a ‘room / boom’ or a ‘face / space’ as the end rhymes for lines 3 and 4 of my Limerick. Bearing in mind, as I am, that the shorter lines need to really move the complicatedness of the plot along quickly. I am happy (at the moment) with the first two lines – but that may change.

Back! And a Radio 4 Extra play has given the word ‘priapism’ to my vocabulary – I hope that I do not need to use it again anytime soon.

Also in the play was a ‘canon’ and if the first two lines above had a ‘canon’ rather than a ‘cannon’, well, that may have slewed the Limerick considerably. I shall stick with what I have so far.

Information for you (gratis): Dungannon is 220 miles away from Limerick via the AA route planner (www.theaa.com)

I think the crux of this Limerick is to find that final rhyme for the fifth line that will turn it from a series of words into a valuable poetic edifice. The Dungannon / Cannon effect requires nothing from the young man’s place of origin, but everything from the (created literary) fact that he is fiddling about with a cannon. Cannons being quite limited in what they can do (essentially they go ‘BANG!’) the scenario is that the cannon will go off and the consequence will give us the rhyme. Perhaps we should look for a rhyme that would fit into that situation. When searching for rhymes that are not ‘actually’ leaping at you waving for attention, I use different ways of getting there. Alphabet Cruising: where you take the end of the rhyme ‘an-non’ and put all the letters of the alphabet (separately) onto the front. We have such possibilities as ‘ban on’, ‘can-on’, ‘fan-on’, ‘man-on’, and so-on! Nobody said this would be easy.

If I thought about the fact that the young man was from Dungannon and the place name may have similar sounding place names nearby, I could make this into a very parochial Limerick – keeping it all within the bounds of a ‘united’ Ireland. Here I will take a short leave of absence in order to check a search engine for maps of Northern Ireland.

Once there I immediately find that a place of the name of Duncannon exists in Eire; I then have options. Do I resite my first line, losing the fact that ‘cannon’ and ‘cannon’ rhyme ‘too’ perfectly; or do I have the young lad travelling across the Emerald Isle a mere 90 miles from Duncannon to Limerick?

NB Surprisingly, Dungannon to Duncannon and Dungannon to Limerick are both distances of 210 miles. I think that we may have the makings of an Irish isosceles triangle…

or the design for a new stirrup for the Irish Derby winner.

Back to the plot. Our hero, a nameless young fool from somewhere in the poetic land of Erin, is messing about with an explosive machine of dubious origins. His tampering with the said device is very much destined to end in tears. He is probably in his room and the device will, at some stage soon, go ‘boom!’ Where he will end up is still up for grabs. Let’s just put our 4 cards so far on the table:

There was a young man from Dungannon

Who was fiddling about with a cannon

He was alone in his room (as stated)

When the damn thing (excuse language) went ‘BOOM!’

And we end the Limerick with…?

Okay, in order not to rush this I shall take a break and the answer shall enter my subconscious whilst the kettle is singing merrily to itself. Back for the denouement soon.

And we saw it fly past with a man on!

Well, it is only the process of creating a Limerick. Nothing too ‘high brow’ here; ‘move away from the building!’

-/-

Apprehension of Limey Rick imminent

I now have a pressing engagement

To put words on the page of this vagrant

Before he gets home

And finds I’ve writ this tome

And turfs me out onto the pavement

 

#thephantomlyricist

Limey Rick

Limey Rick strikes again!

New word of the day, “sabotage”

Now I’m hiding in the garage

Got the tablet on knee

Hoping he won’t find me

Yes, Limey Rick is now at large

 

#thephantomlyricist

Limey Rick

Limey Rick woz ‘ere

Limey Rick

The verb of today is ‘to frape’

Left his tablet logged in, so as jape

I thought I would show it

Words from this great poet

And hope I don’t need to escape

#thephantomlyricist

Lost Limericks for 20th September, 2014

Screenshot_2014-09-20-07-22-21-1Limerick

A man took a trip on a bus
Said “I don’t know why there’s fuss.
It’s cheap and convenient
The rules are quite lenient.”
And ‘this’ to his gorilla, named Gus.

A man took a trip on a train;
With Gus as his companion, again;
In First Class they went
But, because of the scent,
Gus had the nerve to complain.

A man took a ride in his car
With his gorilla, who’d brought his guitar;
The pair stopped, then went busking;
And Gus did the asking
And soon they’d enough for a spa.

Gus the gorilla went solo
And the man went off to play polo
Gus was the star
The man sold his car
And nobody now gave him their last Rolo.

Which is sad.

-/-

There was an old man from Stirling

Who was the best in the world at Curling

But he broke his broom

In a contest in Croom (which BTW is in the county of Limerick)

When by mistake he used it for hurling.

-/-

There is actually nobody from Swadlincote

Who has done anything worthy to note…

Which is a shame.

-/-

Oh, hold on… wait a min,

Latest news coming in;

A man from Swadlincote –

We think – has just fallen in a moat;

Whilst dresses up as Errol Flynn?

(We’ll keep you posted)

-/-

The ‘Word of the Day’ it is… ‘Crazy’

It’s mad, mad mad mad!!!! It’s ‘not’ lazy;

It’s chocolate fruit loops,

And wacky-doody in scoops,

And leaves all that sanity quite hazy!

-/-

There was a young man, Alan Turing

Who helped the free people enduring

But, it’s hard to compute

How they‘d persecute

Him after the war – but, not during!

-/-

-/-

Landlubbing Limericks for ‘Pirates talking like us’ day (19th September)

Jolly Roger

-/-

A pirate walked into a bar

He spoke to the barkeep saying “Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…

Arrrrr… arrrrrr arr…

Arrrr… arrrrr arrr…

Until the barkeep threw him out on his arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrse!

That pirate tried again for a drink

Which diction to use – he did think

Shall I say ‘Please’

Or just chop off his knees

Or throw the barkeep into the sea and watch him sink.

(not that I’m typecasting pirates – but, that is really how they ‘do’ think – apart from the ‘please’ bit, obviously)

-/-

A Limerick bumped into a pirate

Was taken by force to his boat

Didn’t make the crew laugh

With his poem about a giraffe

So they checked to see if the Limerick would float.

-/-

The word of the day is ‘tumescent’

If frothy, you could say effervescent

But if it explodes

Bang go your nodes

And you’ll wonder where your family crest went.

-/-

A walk in the woods can be fun
As can a walk in the sun
But if it pours
We become bores
And grumble and groan – until the weather is done!
-/-
A Friday? In September? Do you say?
Will you be doing those ‘Limericks’ again today?
I wish that you wouldn’t
It’s wrong; you just shouldn’t
But, you’re going to do them anyway – aren’t you?
-/-
A Limerick in French is no fun
And you lose the sense of the pun
So, if, now, today
I look like writing one ‘that’ way…
Please say ‘Non!’
-/-
A Limerick walked into a poetry convention…
Which gave the other poetic forms a new conception
They thought:
‘Short is sweet’
With such minimal feet
And humour adds such a dimension!
Then they… went back…to the way… that they… were… be-fore…and no… thing… chang-ed… at all…………..
-/-
Too hot or too cold
Water’s likely to scold
It tells you off, by and by
So tepid is best
For your skin is caressed
And then make sure that you dry.
-/-
The ‘Bonus word of the Day’ it is… INFLATABLE

How much to blow up its importance: debatable

Too much, and it’s trouble,

Pressure bursts your bubble

Not enough, and it’s barely aeratable.

-/-

#SeptemberLimericks #Limericks @infograe