Category Archives: Limerick

One Potato, Two Potato, Three Potato…

Mr PotatoHead

Potato Limerick #1

A ‘potato’ is a wonder”, said Edward the king

In fact it’s absolutely, positively mash-ing!

Boiled or chipped (in case you lose it)’

Sauteéd (once flipped – being careful not to bruise it);

Au Gratin, dans le matin, just the thing.”

 

Potato Limerick #2

The potatoes are coming!” the little boy cried.

We all ran for cover; but, the little boy lied.

When we surfaced from hiding

With our fears all subsiding;

He laughed at our faces and much wounded pride.

 

Potato (ish) Limerick (ish) #3 (in two parts)

You say potato, and I say chips

As in ‘Potato’ and, as in ‘Chips’

Potato!”

Chips!”

You know it might just catch on – barring mishaps.

 

You say tomato, and I say soup

As in ‘Tomato’ and, as in ‘soup’

Tomato!”

Soup!”

You know it might just catch on – perhaps.

It’s a Down-to-Earth Limerick about Gravity!

image

The levity of a poem about Gravity
Can only be increased by its brevity
So before it gets dull
Like a weekend in Hull
I’ll end it before it reaches such depravity.

A Fishmonger’s Tail!

image

The Whiting is upon the wall
Which doesn’t sound that fishy at all
The Carp is a coy one
The Ray has a toy gun
And Cod is in the Narwhal

Turn up the Bass
(It’s all about that Bass)
Especially if you are hard of…
Dare I say it…?
I must…
…if you are…
… hard of Herring!
There.
It is done.
No misHake about it
You didn’t think for a Minnow
That I wouldn’t…
Did you?
Three Mermaids all in a Roe,
Not scattered all about the Plaice!

Scottish ‘Oringe’ Limerick’

image

There was a young Scotsman whose ‘Oringe’

Was a hit at the Edin-berg Foringe

For his accent was broad

Made the audience applaud

But, made poets the world over coringe.

The Word of the Day is… Cloud!

Eling, 14-07-2015 photo by me.

Eling, 14-07-2015 photo by me.

The Word of the Day
The Word of the Day it is… Cloud
It is coating the Sun with a shroud
It is humid and hot
Under the duvet we’ve got
So much for fluffy and pretty
Or wandering lonely
Such things, here, are just not allowed.

©GRSandford2015

2 years ago (in Scotingland)

Scottish type Limericks from me (from 2013)

Scottish type Limericks from me (from 2013)

Just a blast (from the highlands) from the past for you. My back-catalogue has a few gems in it – sadly, these are not two of them G:)

PS apologies to you if you are Scottish (or slightly skittish)

Laugh-A-Long Limericks for 30th September, 2014

Laugh-a-long edit

If a Wabble is half of a Froggit
And a Gungip Is half still again
Would the cost of an oversize Niggit
Be worth three one-quarters of pain
For the Niggit is vast
And it just wouldn’t last
And if you did buy one and lost it,
would you shout out a Towdle refrain?
-/-

Limerick Factumundo No.1:

Early Limericks (c. 9th century) were written in manuscript form; with monks taking days and sometimes even weeks to inscribe the short poetic form with intricate details and embellish the pages that the Limerick’s words were set upon with accompanying decorative pictures. TRUE / FALSE

-/-

The WOTD

The ‘Word of the Day’ it is… ‘Twang’

Which is quite easy if music’s your thang

But if you’ve a taste

For food – In your haste

You might mention ‘it’ instead of ‘Tang!’

-/-

Limerick Factumundo No.2:

The City of Limerick in Eire (modern day Eire or Ireland) was named after the famous Erin Limerick (which is now housed in Limerick Cathedral), The Erin Limerick hails from the very earliest of recorded poetry in Eire / Ireland and is truly an awful poem at its best). TRUE / FALSE ? 

-/-

The top of the world is quite old

And said to be terribly cold

But, what’s it to me

I’m unlikely to be

There for the climbers to behold.

-/-

The Limerick is the mightiest of beasts

Who does hold most uproarious feasts

They occur when the moon

Is eclipsed in late June

That’s if they’re not banned by the priests

-/-

Limerick Factumundo No.3:

The Limerick is one of the three ‘true’ forms of poetry as described by the Greeks in 321AD – Aclinius in his ‘History of the Ode’ was at pains to point out that the merit of a ferret in his trousers ‘was’ that it taught him to ‘bear it!’ as he writes it (and ‘the nipping of teeth’ at ‘what lay beneath’ really made a man of him… or not – the Ovidian transation from the old Greek to Latin and since then from Latin to English {Modern day English}  is not one hundred per cent clear). The other two ‘true’ forms are, of course, the ‘Ode – in all its glory’, and the ‘Punning Couplet’ which is making a comeback in some literary circles. TRUE /FALSE ?

-/-

Almost lost is the fine art of spilling

I say this agen, wons moor, and with filling

So mop up your badd wisdom

With a spill-check sisdom

And the clarity it will soon be revilling!

-/-

Limerick Factumundo No.4:

The Ombazo Limerick was discovered in 1312 by the banks of the Ombazo River in Wasalla (modern day Umallawoo)  by a Turkish merchant who thought that the stone upon which it was engraved was just a direction post for travellers. Copying down the details and then trying to follow them to get back to a main-trading route, he became irretrievably lost and the inscription parchment with him. The Limerick Stone has long been missing and it was only in 1847 that the remains of the traveller and the parchment were found – just north of Preston (modern day Preston). TRUE / FALSE ?

-/-

The AWOTD

The ‘Alternative Word of the Day’ it is… ‘Drudge’

It’s when you have to eat  fudge

Toffees and creams

Flavours from dreams

And your teeth, clamped together, won’t budge!

-/-

In Ireland upon St. Limerick’s day

In five lines the natives do pray

They recite then they laugh

About a telescopic giraffe

And then merrily go on their way.

-/-

Limerick Factumundo No.5:

The Limerick is also the most mathematical of poetic devices. It’s 8 letters relate strongly to themes of Infinity and the Mobius Strip whilst its 5 lines relate to the 5 good things a day that the Greek god, Vega, decreed that the peoples should aspire to – Swedish philosophers have marvelled at the simple, yet effective aabba rhyme scheme and this has also been noted by some of their most popular musicians. The ‘True’ Limerick also has a specific Gravity of 3.142 (rounded up) and is therefore not to be trusted. TRUE /FALSE ?

-/-

A strongman was crossing a ridge

Carrying a stove, a duck, and a fridge

When an old lady flew past

(Carrying all the troubles of the world upon her shoulders)

For her shoulders were vast

And the  strong(ish)man did his strength then abridge!

-/-

September as a month is quite short

But, as they say, it’s better a witty retort

Than a month in a tort

Or a case of Sneezlewort

For putting those days in –  whilst in port.

-/-

Limerick Factumundo No.6:

There are only 5 Factumondoes about Limericks. TRUE /FALSE ? 

-/-

A Limerick walked into a bargain basement

“I’ve come about my temporary placement!”

They said “You’re too short!

But, any storm in a port,

You’ll do till we can find a replacement!

-/-

Thank you for reading these Limericks, I say,

These five-lined behemoths  wot I wrote every which way

I did so all through September

And I hope some you’ll remember

As there’s a quiz on them a week Saturday!

Late-Arrival Limericks for September 29th, 2014

Late Arrival edit

Late-Arriving Limericks are actually below – they have only just got here – so may still be warm from the creative processes – you have been warmed!

The WOTD

The ‘Word of the Day’ it is… ‘Twitter’
To use it won’t cause any litter
Just remember the rules
That newbies are fools
And that may just stop you from feeling so bitter.
-/-
Limerick Rule-of-Thumb No. 1: Whilst a Limerick sets out to be uproariously funny and particularly clever, some Limericks fail on either the first, the second, or both counts – this is sadly often true.
-/-
A man thought he knew D.H.Lawrence
As he’d met him one day whilst in Florence
But the man was a fraud
Whose real name was Claud
And the truth was met with total abhorrence.
-/-
*Limerick Rule-of-Thumb No. 2: Using unusual rhymes gathers more cudos than a cudos-gatherer at cudos-harvest time.
-/-
A veritable sage held his court
With novices that he had taught
He held up a hand
They did await his command
But, he gave them the advice that they sought.*
-/-
*Limerick Rule-of-Thumb no. 3: Not all Limericks are meant to be funny – this is often stated when they don’t really work that well (see above… and below for examples).
-/-
A Limerick decided that he would be prose – he would Walk into a bar and hold up his nose! “Sorry!” he said; and then he held up his head; “I’m a Limerick highwayman, I suppose!”
-/-
In the histories of the statue and the saint
There are always the ones who grow faint
The details too thin
Or concealed within
And what use is a new coat of paint.
-:-
The Thinker was perched on his rock
Considering the whereabouts of a sock
If only he knew. (He thought)
I could almost have two –
But he was suffering from that old ‘Thinker’s Block!’
-/-
A real-life modern-day Casanova
Arrived from Venice at Dover
Chatted up someone’s wife
Tried to run for his life
Got caught, now his wrenching days are over.
-/-
Limerick Rule-of-Thumb No. 4: it’s not through the want of trying that Limerick’s never grow up to be ‘proper’ poems – it has been proven that it is the parents that are usually to blame.
-/-

The AWOTD
The ‘Alternative Word of the Day’ it is… Sporran
To wear one will get the ladies adorin’*
But the wind can be chilly
And can affect your prospects
So wear a suit ‘n’ tie and be borin’*

* This Limerick should be read in a Scottish accent.
-/-
Limerick Rule-of-Thumb No. 5: There is ‘No!’ Repeat ‘No!’ Limerick Rule-of-Thumb No. 5 (see Monty Python’s ‘Bruce’s Sketch’ for detailed analysis of this point!)
-:-
Spike Milligan was mowing his carrot
When he stopped to discuss a red parrot
He added some gin
To one end of his chin
And finished the rest off with claret!
-/-
In the middle of the night
When it’s too dark for light
It’s never that good
To be lost in a wood-
A very precarious plight!
-/-
Limerick Rule-of-Thumb No.6:
There is never a need for more than 5 lines unless the “Limerickist” (they are ‘not-poets’) is trying to be clever (which they invariably are not).
-/-
A pirate who’d sailed all seven seas
Put into port in Belize
He’d been there before
They’d shown him the door
“Can I look at some windows, this time? Please?”
-/-
It was the night before the next day and all through the house
The gossips were stirring – they’d bitch and they’d grouse
“The way things are going…”
“She was all for the knowing…”
And the worst of them all was sarky King Mouse!
-/-
The Last Limerick in a can of Gasoline is invariable almost completely water (as Scott found out to his utter disgust in his 3rd Arctic Limerick Expedition of late 1907).

Libellous Limericks for 28th September, 2014

what_lies_below
The WOTD
The ‘Word of the Day’ it is… ‘Celidh’*
In Scotland they have one almost daily
But elsewhere it’s rare
To dance, with nae a care,
The whirl and the jig rather gaily!-

*If you then sang out “Is it too late to say I’m sorry?” you get bonus points from me.
-/-
In the depths of the ocean there lies
A creature with a dozen small eyes
It is an iiiiiiiiiiicklius!
-/-
The crew of a boat on the sea
Only had one fish for their tea
The captain had taught
To throw back what you’d caught
And, not to keep that many, you see!
-/-
Gravity was a wonderful discovery
Without it we’d never drop a herring in a shrubbery
For fear it might fly
Right up to the sky
Though the flying fish is said to be lovely.

flying-fish
-/-
At the edge of the world is a sign
And a narrow white unbroken line
The sign it says ‘Stop!’
You must – or you’ll drop
But, if you turn back, I’m sure you’ll be fine.
-:-
A professor from Limerick University
Was studying biodiversity
His students were divided
And opinions collided
Which made it seem a hundred times worsity!
-/-

The AWOTD
The ‘Alternative Word of the Day’ it is… ‘Applause’
A show of hands that signify ‘fors’
But, if silence reigns,
Cools the blood in your veins,
Perhaps they ‘are’ fans, but, not yours!
-/-
When night falls bleak upon the land
And on your shoulder there is a hand
You must not cry
Best not to die
Just uppercut them and hope they understand.
-/-
Topsy-Turvy Limerick
In a fairy tale fine
On some such a line
At midnight a sonnet turned into a Limerick
The watchers were amazed – some felt quite sick –
And a few even thought it divine.
-:-
A mouse collecting rice for her young
Heard a sad song so softly sung
“A time to learn
Turn, turn, and turn”
And far away a church-bell was rung.
-/-
The music of the world is loud
The people of the world are proud
The music loud
The people proud
In Limericks this sort of thing is just not allowed!
-/-
Boys are bad and girls are good
This is not the truth! Is that understood?
Some girls are terrors;
And some lads make ‘no’ errors
But, they would do if they could!
-/-
A Limerick went to college to learn
Went once, then didn’t return;
A letter was sent
To ask his intent
The Limerick replied: “Why the concern?”
-/-
The end of the day is so near
That the night it just waits to appear
For those darkened hours
Have magical powers;
So at dusk the meek disappear.
-:-
A  Limerick in
A Haiku just doesn’t seem
To be right at all.
-/-
A Bonus Haiku-type Limerick
Doric Poetry,
From Aberdeen’s stone city –
Granite Verse for thee!
Gratis, complimentary;
There is no payee.
-/-

Listless Limericks for 27th September, 2014

Listless Limericks - 27th September 2014

The Way of the Limerick

The first line is always the worst;
Then the second line, which quickly follows the first;
Then is the third
The forth is then heard
And to come last the fifth line is eternally cursed!

-/-

The WOTD

The ‘Word of the Day’ it is… ‘Euphoric!!!

Which in Aberdeen is spoken in Doric

So, in the Aberdonian ‘Play of the Day’ which is…

Hamlet;  Hamlet doth say:

(To Horatio): ‘Alas, puir Yorick!”*

* (From Willam Shakespeare’s Danish Play -Aberdeen Ed.  ‘Alas, puir Yorick, Ah kent heem, Horatio; a fellaw ay infinite jest.’
-:-
A statue from Central Aberdeen
One night was sprayed fluorescent green
The police were confused
The public amused
But, to so paint the Prince Albert ‘was’ mean!
-/-
Whilst piloting Flight 612
The captain discovered a screw
Laying loose on the floor
Then he found three screws more
Then his false leg fell off – over Crewe!
-/-
The end of the world is Nigh!
So come let us all say goodbye!
“Cheerio!”
“Time to go!”
“We’re all of us going to die…!”… eventually!
-/-
The man who is writing these words
Refuses point-blank to shoot birds
Clay pigeons – yes.
He has pacifist aims, I guess
And he’s a poet, so he’s one of the nerds!
-/-
A Scotsman was wearing a quilt
Because of the food he had Spilt
It covered his knees,
his ankles, phalanges;
But, it nowhere near covered his guilt!*

(*at not wearing a kilt!)
-/-

The AWOTD

 The ‘Alternative Word of the Day’ it is… ‘Mistaken’

For I can’t understand what you mean by ‘taekin?

Am I ‘taekin’ two yews?

I’m not, please excuse –

I’m from the South, where old Daleks are all but forsaken!*

* It may help you to understand the above to know that it was written in Aberdeen where I had the great delight of having a conversation with a local chappie last night who clearly thought that he made perfect sense – I only heard that he was suffering from Hay-Fever (and not from visiting the Theatre) and that explained his situation. I think a fine 12-year-old Hay-Fever was more likely! I’m from the very south of England.

 -/-

Whilst writing a few of the above

The writer thought about his true love

At home with the pets

He hopes that she gets

A laugh from some of the above!

(to Jane x)

-/-

Note to the discernible reader: I do make all of these up for you, just you. I hope they bring a smile to your face, as they have to mine –  G:)