Category Archives: Funny

Script for a Tester’s Jeer

Toe-in-the-Water Radio Show SCRIPT – locked up

Me: He has just been released from prison.

You: What had he done?

Me: Done! What had he ‘not’ done?

You: I think that may be a long list.

Me: True. He was found guilty of being a bugler.

You: A bugler?

Me: Yes, he would break into ‘Reveille Or ‘Retreat’ at all hours of the morning and as he refused to stop it, they thought that the best thing to do was to lock him up and throw away the key of C.

You: The key of C?

Me: Yes, seems that was what the trumpet was tuned to.

You: Did it do any good?

Me: Well, his neighbours certainly thought so.

You: And now they’ve let him out?

Me: Yes, he was getting too big for his cell.

Yes: Does that joke work?

Me: Not in this universe, dear friend; but, it had to be said.

You: Why?

Me: It’s in the script.

You: It is. How did that get that through the censors?

Me:Have you heard of bribery? Using large sums of money for the means of… crime?

You: No.

Me: Good boy. We shall go far.

Mr. Bean (He went to the College of the Queen)

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Have you seen, Mr Bean?
Have you heard him speak?
He is a funny sort of chap
I think he’s quite unique;
And with his tiny mini
He’s always in a state
How he even gets inside
I still can’t correlate.

A Q&A Session for the Inquisitive about my Poetry

May Contain Words

is questionable!.

Do I have to write every day?

I do.

Does what I write make me happy?

It often does.

Why is that?

The process focuses my mind upon people and places, thoughts and feelings that I encounter as I travel my life roads.

If Hannah had some sweets and ate some would you try and work out a rhyme for the orange sweets?

Knowing me (as I do) yes.

Would it rhyme?

All the time.

Honestly?

No, probably not ‘all’ the time; it is very difficult to arrange oranges in a rhyme.

Yes, I know that.

Keep to the questions; you’re not allowed to reflect.

I’m not?

No. That is the job of the poet – as if you didn’t know it. The questioner has a lot to answer for; if you don’t question my reasons for existing as a poet I shall show you the door.

And very nice it is, too.

That’s it… Out you go.

Why?

It’s too late for that. Begone!

And so ends our Question and Answer session – I hope it was useful for you inquisitive types. We shall try and host another soon… if we can find a proper Questioneer!

A World of Woe!

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A man walks into a laundrette and asks the lady there: “Have you got anything that will remove nasty stains from society?”

The lady replies: “Splinge!”

“Splinge?” Queries the man.

“Yes – and now with added Gribble-Tang!”
NB The World’s Woes cannot be easily solved – but, a laugh can help you to deal with a little of them for a little while – I try to see the lightness when all around may be less than bright. G:)

Dunn & Dusted – Solicitors.

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Dunn & Dusted, Solicitors

Purveyors of fine conveyancing since 1841 (which is nearly twenty to seven) and writers of oaths and wills.

Services provided include (at a small cost) the authenticating of documents and the provision of probatory parchment.
NB The company of partners parted company partly due to complications in partitioning the compartments of the first part and complaints by the participants of the comparative second part – they parted company on good terms (but, not for both sides) and sought consolation in the quaffing of eyes and the purveyancing of teas.

This is often the (brief) case with two partners that initially (PTD & SCD) got on so well; that later in their careers they just couldn’t stand the sight of each other (sadly, in the midst of this they had married and created a fine brood of offspring – known as children – and settled down in a fine Tudor cottage just outside of K-).

They are considering proceedings.

The brood of Dunn-Dusted or Dusted-Dunn children are financially secure, yet intrinsically insecure otherwise. It is usually the children that get hurt – but, as the youngest is 47, they may be able to deal with this state of affairs.

This is, of course, totally fictional; thus, not liable to libel proceedings (if read) or sundry slanderisms (if heard).

Think on that if you are a lawyer and are considering the dangerous occupation of marrying another of the similar and likewise profession.

You have been warned.

Ode to a Deer

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Ode to a Deer

Oh, deer
What…
Can…

I compare thee to?
Anything?
No?
No idea?

Nothing?

Oh.

Joke Try-Out 1 (Chalk)

In fact, I bought two!

In fact, I bought two!

She said that her writing was: “Better than mine – buy a long chalk!”

So, I bought some long chalk and went back to the blackboard.
It didn’t help.