Category Archives: Funny

Script for a Tester’s Jeer

Posted on September 27, 2015 by | 3 comments

Toe-in-the-Water Radio Show SCRIPT – locked up

Me: He has just been released from prison.

You: What had he done?

Me: Done! What had he ‘not’ done?

You: I think that may be a long list.

Me: True. He was found guilty of being a bugler.

You: A bugler?

Me: Yes, he would break into ‘Reveille Or ‘Retreat’ at all hours of the morning and as he refused to stop it, they thought that the best thing to do was to lock him up and throw away the key of C.

You: The key of C?

Me: Yes, seems that was what the trumpet was tuned to.

You: Did it do any good?

Me: Well, his neighbours certainly thought so.

You: And now they’ve let him out?

Me: Yes, he was getting too big for his cell.

Yes: Does that joke work?

Me: Not in this universe, dear friend; but, it had to be said.

You: Why?

Me: It’s in the script.

You: It is. How did that get that through the censors?

Me:Have you heard of bribery? Using large sums of money for the means of… crime?

You: No.

Me: Good boy. We shall go far.

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Posted in Funny, Radio Show, Toe-in-the-Water Radio Show

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Mr. Bean (He went to the College of the Queen)

Posted on September 15, 2015 by | 14 comments

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Have you seen, Mr Bean?
Have you heard him speak?
He is a funny sort of chap
I think he’s quite unique;
And with his tiny mini
He’s always in a state
How he even gets inside
I still can’t correlate.

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Posted in Funny, Mr Bean, poem, Poetry

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A Q&A Session for the Inquisitive about my Poetry

Posted on June 7, 2015 by | 14 comments
May Contain Words

is questionable!.

Do I have to write every day?

I do.

Does what I write make me happy?

It often does.

Why is that?

The process focuses my mind upon people and places, thoughts and feelings that I encounter as I travel my life roads.

If Hannah had some sweets and ate some would you try and work out a rhyme for the orange sweets?

Knowing me (as I do) yes.

Would it rhyme?

All the time.

Honestly?

No, probably not ‘all’ the time; it is very difficult to arrange oranges in a rhyme.

Yes, I know that.

Keep to the questions; you’re not allowed to reflect.

I’m not?

No. That is the job of the poet – as if you didn’t know it. The questioner has a lot to answer for; if you don’t question my reasons for existing as a poet I shall show you the door.

And very nice it is, too.

That’s it… Out you go.

Why?

It’s too late for that. Begone!

And so ends our Question and Answer session – I hope it was useful for you inquisitive types. We shall try and host another soon… if we can find a proper Questioneer!

14 Comments

Posted in Funny, humour, poem, Poetry, Q&A

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A World of Woe!

Posted on June 3, 2015 by | 4 comments

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A man walks into a laundrette and asks the lady there: “Have you got anything that will remove nasty stains from society?”

The lady replies: “Splinge!”

“Splinge?” Queries the man.

“Yes – and now with added Gribble-Tang!”
NB The World’s Woes cannot be easily solved – but, a laugh can help you to deal with a little of them for a little while – I try to see the lightness when all around may be less than bright. G:)

4 Comments

Posted in Funny, Gribble-Tang, Humor, humour, joke, Splinge, strange, weird

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Dunn & Dusted – Solicitors.

Posted on May 24, 2015 by | 7 comments

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Dunn & Dusted, Solicitors

Purveyors of fine conveyancing since 1841 (which is nearly twenty to seven) and writers of oaths and wills.

Services provided include (at a small cost) the authenticating of documents and the provision of probatory parchment.
NB The company of partners parted company partly due to complications in partitioning the compartments of the first part and complaints by the participants of the comparative second part – they parted company on good terms (but, not for both sides) and sought consolation in the quaffing of eyes and the purveyancing of teas.

This is often the (brief) case with two partners that initially (PTD & SCD) got on so well; that later in their careers they just couldn’t stand the sight of each other (sadly, in the midst of this they had married and created a fine brood of offspring – known as children – and settled down in a fine Tudor cottage just outside of K-).

They are considering proceedings.

The brood of Dunn-Dusted or Dusted-Dunn children are financially secure, yet intrinsically insecure otherwise. It is usually the children that get hurt – but, as the youngest is 47, they may be able to deal with this state of affairs.

This is, of course, totally fictional; thus, not liable to libel proceedings (if read) or sundry slanderisms (if heard).

Think on that if you are a lawyer and are considering the dangerous occupation of marrying another of the similar and likewise profession.

You have been warned.

7 Comments

Posted in Funny, humour, law, legal, Solicitors

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Ode to a Deer

Posted on May 24, 2015 by | 2 comments

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Ode to a Deer

Oh, deer
What…
Can…

I compare thee to?
Anything?
No?
No idea?

Nothing?

Oh.

2 Comments

Posted in Deer, Funny, joke, Ode

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Joke Try-Out 1 (Chalk)

Posted on May 23, 2015 by | Leave a comment
In fact, I bought two!

In fact, I bought two!

She said that her writing was: “Better than mine – buy a long chalk!”

So, I bought some long chalk and went back to the blackboard.
It didn’t help.

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Posted in chalk, Funny, humour, joke

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“What’s For Lunch, Angela? Chicken?”

Posted on May 22, 2015 by | Leave a comment
Courtesy of inspiration by Angela Chicken

Courtesy of inspiration by Angela Chicken

“I came late to the debate.”

A camel, I ate;
Which took me some time –
I can tell you.
It would have take longer
But Deborah was there
And she ate her share;
It was, of course,
Only a hypothetical camel;
As we are Vegetarians;
And when we cry out:
‘I’m so hungry, I could eat a horse!’
We are exaggerating just a little;
And, if we shout ‘too’ loud;
We may in fact become a little horse
Or two.
It is, just the grass that the horse grazes upon that is our desire;

“Oh, why did we buy into these good and worthy values,
And not just get them on hire?”

Discuss

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Posted in Food, Funny, poem, Poetry, Vegan, Vegetarian

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Rebecca’s In(n), Jamaica.

Posted on May 9, 2015 by | Leave a comment

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“I’ve never been to Jamaica Inn…”
There’s a poem there
Somewhere
But, my brain is not in
(I called it and left an answerphone message; hopefully it will get back to me later – of its own accord!)

And there’s a joke there, too.
Just mentioning it in case you hadn’t noticed
Because, I don’t do jokes
And I definitely don’t do subtle.

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Posted in DaphneduMaurier, Funny, humour, Jamaica Inn, joke, Rebecca

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If You Can’t See My Mirrors, Then I Probably Can’t See You!

Posted on May 8, 2015 by | Leave a comment

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Can you see my mirrors?
They are shiny bright and clean
I use them mostly for looking back;
And seeing where I’ve been.

But, if you ‘can’t’ see them
(And this is probably true)
Perhaps you don’t exist;
For, if you can’t see my mirrors,
Then strange to say
How can I see you.

And, remember, that when you look into a mirror approximately one and a half metres away from you, you are actually looking at yourself as you were about 2 nanoseconds before.

Can you see my mirrors?
Do you or I exist?
Or are we just dreaming things
Of a world we can’t enlist?

“Mirror, Mirror, on the wall,
Do you see me…
Or anything at all?”

“Does a mirror have eyes?” you ask.
“One!” I say. “Or it would be a ‘mrror!’
“Ha! Ha!” you respond, with your usual disdain;
“That wasn’t funny last time; how dare you use that pun again?”

I realise that I will never best
The voice that speaks lowly of my Pyrrhic victory
As if it were just me, myself and I
Being self congratulatory.

Perhaps, I should learn a lesson well
And listen more, and less do tell.

“As if!”

He always has to have the last word.

And upon this he actually, with me, concurred…

“I should co-co.”

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Posted in Ego, Funny, I, Id, me, Mirrors, poem, Poetry, Self, silly

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