Category Archives: detectives

One day in the life of our Baking Street Heroes

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Shylock: Look! There’s the ‘smoking bun!

What’sOn: Don’t you mean ‘smoking gun?’

Shylock: It’s a bun, What’sOn; and there is smoke rising from it. But, I do see what you mean. It ‘is’ also a smoking gun.

What’sOn: Shall I bag it up for evidence, Shylock?

Shylock: It may be wise to douse the flames first, What’sOn. Or you shall encourage the conflagration to escalate.

What’sOn: Ah! Well spotted, Shlock. I was just seeing if you’d notice that.

Shylock: Yes, What’sOn, most plausible. And please don’t call me Shlock, or I shall have to trim your moustache whilst you sleep, again.

What’sOn: Yes, Shy-lock. Right, here goes.

SD What’sOn pours a carafe of table water over the smoking bun. The smoke and flames are doused.

Shylock: Well done, What’sOn.

What’sOn: Thank you, Shylock.

Shylock: However…

What’sOn: Yes, Shylock?

Shylock: It may have been wiser to pop a glass bowl over the bun; thus extinguishing the smoke and any flames by removing the air from the vicinity.

What’sOn: That’s true.

Shylock: Instead of which, you have ruined the evidence. You are almost an idiot!

What’sOn: That’s true, too, Shylock.

Shylock: Oh, well; back to the drawing board.

SD There is a slight pause

Shylock: What’sOn?

What’sOn: Yes, Shylock?

Shylock: Don’t give up your day job.

What’sOn (resignedly): No, Shylock.

(Sort of) A Sonnet to Cluedo

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(Sort of) A Sonnet to Cluedo

“How do I solve thee?
Let me count the ways.
Thou art more complex
And more intriguing
Than a maze inside a labyrinth
Within an enigma.
In fact, I think that you are
Mrs White in the Kitchen
With the Food Mixer!
What? No food mixer?
How strange. You’d think they’d
Have a food mixer in there – I have.
Though, I suppose it’s better for making cakes than corpses…
Although a corpse-cake
May be an idea for a Cluedo-themed party… that’s an idea.
Oh! Well, perhaps it was Mr Bun the Baker in the Bakery with the Stale Baguette?
What do you mean, you’re not playing anymore?
It’s your game and you’re going home!
Now, we’ll never know who did it…
With what… And to whom!”

#dialogueforaplay (Tweets 91-105) The Ending is Nigh!

hash-tag dialogueforaplay 91-105

91

The PC chases doctors off stage. DCI looks bemused.

DCI: I look confused. Ergo: I am confused. I do follow. Leaves.

Tbc

92

Lady Whom, DC Acey and Laura/Laurence Protocol are left along with the stiff.

DC Acey: I don’t know about you lot.

Tbc

93

Lady W: Really!

DC Acey: I hadn’t finished – I was going to add ‘but, I’m confused!’

Laura: Well, you’re not alone!

Tbc

94

Lady W: Is he dead yet?

Laur: I’ll kick him.

DC Acey: Ouch!

Laur: He’s alive.

Lady W: I meant ‘him!’ (points)

Tbc

95

Laur kicks the stiff.

Stiff: Ouch!

Laur: He is ‘also’ alive.

Lady W launches a knife into the stiff.

Stiff: Really!

Tbc

96

Lady W: I had to do that; he’s been asking for it.

Laur: I didn’t hear him.

DC Acey: ‘And’ he ‘was’ already ‘dead!’

Tbc

97

Lady W: I just need to remove a couple of witnesses.

DC Acey: I pity them. More throwing daggers?

Lady W: Oh, yes!

Tbc

98

Laur: I think she means ‘us!’

DC Acey: Really?

Laur: I wish we’d all stop saying ‘really!’

Lady W: Your wish is…!

Tbc

99

Lady W throws 2 knives and DC Acey gets the point, Laura gets a 6-inch blade neatly between the eyes!

Lady W: Bye!

Tbc

100

Lady W: Being in the circus was excellent training for life… or for death… situations; I’m so glad I ran away!

Tbc

101

The Policemen Return.

DCI: Hello three times; what’s been going on here, then?

Lady W: Are you talking to me?

Tbc

102

DCI: Seems like you are the ‘last man standing!’

Lady W: Really!

DCI: it’s just a phrase!

PC: He’s going through!

Tbc

103

Lady W: I saw it all!

PC: You look like you’ve been around a bit!

Lady W: A masked man ran into the room and slew!

Tbc

104

DCI: Slew?

Lady W: Yes ‘slew!’ And having slewed, he ran off into the night!

PC: It’s 3:30!

Lady W: The afternoon!

Tbc

105

DCI: Constable, we are going to need some more ‘chalk’ outlines. If you can just mosey off, good lad. Don’t rush.

Tbc

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