Red: Hazelnuts.

Grey: What’s that, you say?

R: Hazelnuts!

G: Hazelnuts? What about ‘em?

R: I’ve been thinking upon them.

G: In what way?

R: Well, not in a sexual way, If that is what you were thinking?

G: No, I wasn’t. I wasn’t, but, now…

R: Well you can stop with that train of thought, right away. In fact, you being a squirrel, I would expect better of you.

G: What has my being a squirrel got anything to do with anything?”

R: It’s typecasting! Squirrels are Hazelnuts – Hazelnuts are Squirrels.

G: I really don’t know what you are on about – I’m beginning to think that you are one Hazelnut short of an oak tree.

R: Or the other way round.

G: Yes, or the other way round.

R: And we’d better not even mention ‘Acorns’.

G: Acorns?

R: Yup! Acorns, those little critters that grow on…

G: Trees!

R: Yup, trees.

SD There is a very slight pause.

R: So, are you feeling hungry by any chance?

G: Ravishing!

R: I don’t think that ‘that’ is the right word. Try ‘ravenous’.

G: Ravenous!

R: I thought as much. Here, have some of these Cob Nuts.

G: Cob Nuts? No. I never touch them, I can’t abide Cob Nuts.

R: Filbert?

G: That’s not my name.”

R: No, Filbert Nuts! They are the bees knees, apart from the fact that only bee’s knees are the bees knees.

G: I can’t say that I have ever tried Filbert Nuts. What are they like?”

R: Absolutely delicious. I swear by them.

G: Well, being a swearing squirrel is not something to write home about.

R: Then I shalln’t write home and mention it. My parents are strict wotsits.

G: Wotsits?

R: Yup! They go to church every Sunday.

G: To pray?

R: Don’t be silly! Religious Squirrels? No, they visit the trees around the graveyard – good pickings there. And, you’ve got to have a routine: Church on Sunday; local park on a Monday; Woods on a Tuesday; and so on and so on.

G: (mulling this over) Right. (Pause) So, where were we?

R: Discussing Plato? Or was it Sartre?

G: Haven’t a clue – although I did feel that lunch came into the equation somewhere.

R: Oh, you’re a squirrel that can do mathematics!

G: Not all squirrels are illegitimate.

R: Illiterate.

G: I knew that – I was just testing you.

R: Anyway, ‘illiterate’ applies to not being able to read, ‘inumerate’ is the term for not having a basic understanding of numbers.

G: Oh, aren’t you the university professor type squirrel? Oxford or Cambridge?

R: School of Hard Knocks ‘and’ the School of Life’.

G: So, is your colouring given to you as being like your graduation robes?

R: No. I was born red, proud to be red. Red I shall stay.

G: Hmmm. Grey is better.

R: How? Where’s your logic to back up that bold statement?

G: We are bigger! There’s more of us! We live in more parts of the country than you do!

R: And you use more exclamation marks than Red Squirrels.

G: Probably!

R: And your heads seem to be bigger.

G: Do they?

R: From where I’m standing, yes, I would say that you do have a big head.

G: Well, it’s probably got to be big so as to cope with the size of my brain – that must also be big.

R: Quantity, not quality springs to mind as an expression that could be used in this case.

G: And what does that mean? You know what? I am beginning to become a little fed up with all your hoity-toity talk. Talking is for intellectual snobs!

R: And the rule of strength is for boorish bully’s?

G: Might be. Here, take this and see.

Gray attempts to stick a punch on Red’s nose, but the little red squirrel is too agile and his fancy footwork is beyond the dreams of the gray squirrel.

R: Ah, well, Gray one, it was… almost nice talking to you – good luck with evolution.

And the Red Squirrel ran nimbly back to his forest home well away from the Gray Squirrel domain.

He had some rather excellent Hazelnuts awaiting his return – or were they Cob Nuts? or Filberts?

Thinking on this the little Red Squirrel laughed heartily as he ran along, and all that saw him smiled at his passing.

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