An Apology (Of Sorts)
Dear ‘to whom it may concern’
I humbly apologise in writing (if not in actual spoken words) to your good self, your husband, or wife (if appropriate) and to the current members of your fraternity, community, or secret society – those who have dearly departed through resignation of position or cessation of life altogether I heed not, nor apologise to, as they no longer need, or will heed any penitent voicings upon my part.
My apologies are, it must be written, here due, overdue, or strangely arriving at an inauspiciously inappropriate moment, in relation to my behaviour, whether it was perceived, actual, or largely implied, on the 3rd, 7th, or 14th of this month – or the month before, or the month before that (I do have an alibi, and an excuse for the 9th and the 23rd or 24th, depending on the Spring tides – but said, or written alibi, I am not at liberty to divulge the details).
I am thus hoping that this will alleviate our difficulties, pour water on our infernal internal wranglings, or be enough to strain the treacle of our differings through the socks of our amiability.
If anything that I once said, or did – or thought about saying, or doing – has caused you concerns, I do sincerely hope that the enclosed blank check will go some way to evening out our issues – please do not worry that it is unsigned, I haven’t the monies to cover it anyway, such are my financial straits, and such is life.
By the way, the set of antique silver spoons that I ‘borrowed’ from your delightful residency helped to cover my travel expenses; the rest of the canteen of cutlery was taken and sold purely for profit – I thank you for them.
Furthermore to the above, if you could kindly advertise in the national newspapers when you have replaced said items, I may perhaps be of a mind to consider a return visit; and, if, when you are fully replete once more, could you please get some different biscuits in for when I do pop by – Rich Tea are so boring.
Anyway, hoping that this finds you in good health, bed, or some other state, and your herb garden is thriving – not a euphemism – and all is well at t’ mine, at sea, and in the air.