A Visit to the Docs (“The Docs!”)


A Visit to the Docs (“The Docs!”)

Paul: Well, Ducktor (in an aside, that the doctor hears) – I’ve never been to see a quack before – it’s about this problem I’ve got.

Doctor Dracus: A ‘Quack!’ I’ll have you know that I have framed certificates upon my wall and I’ve been practicing for twenty-seven years!

Paul (admiringly): That’s a lot of practice – you should be pretty good by now.

Doc: I am the best in my field.

Paul: Are you a vet, too?

Doc: Certainly not! I am a GP with over a thousand on my books.

Paul: I’ve got about fifty in my bank book.

Doc: That is beside the point, young man. I have a reputation.

Paul: So have I – that’s why people tend to avoid me in the street.

Doc: Why? Are you aggressive?

Paul: Well… I’m ‘passive’ aggressive ; apart from the ‘aggressive’ bit. So, no, not really.

Doc: So, ‘why’ do they avoid you?

Paul: It’s the ducks ‘The Ducks!’

Doc: Sorry? Do you have Tourette’s?

Paul: It’s something like that; I tend to shout out words randomly – but, as a part of my story about the ducks ‘The Ducks!’

Doc: Do you swear?

Paul: Doesn’t everybody?

Doc: I meant ‘as part of your ‘shouty-outy’ words.

Paul: Oh! Not as you would notice! It’s more like the ducks ‘The Ducks!’ Or the wretched ‘The Young People! With their ringtones ‘Horrors!’ Nothing ‘too’ sweary, really.

Doc: I can prescribe something for your condition.

Paul: You can?

Doc: I most certainly can; it’s what I do. I am suggesting you get out more; go for long walks-

Paul: To the Common?

Doc: That’s an option; however, I sense an excess of breadstuffs in your diet – and you maybe suffering from worms.

Paul: ‘The Worms!’

Doc: Or the Lurghi.

Paul: ‘The Lurghi!’

Doc: But, I think that you would be advised to see a specialist – an ornithologist.

Paul: The ‘whatchamacologist!’

Doc: Don’t worry about the long word; an ornithologist will be able to understand your problem; what is visibly affecting you, and also what is happening under the surface.

Paul: Oh.

Doc: That’s about it; I shall send you an appointment for a follow-up; and the ornithologist shall give you a (duck) call.

Paul: Thank you, Ducktor. You’ve been a great help with my mallardy.

Doc: You are very welcome.

Paul: I am? Thank you. Goodbye.

Doc: Oh, and by the way.

Paul: Yes?

Doc: There’s the small matter of ‘the bill.’

Paul: The Bill!

Doc: Yes.

Paul (Sighing): I know… I shouldn’t wear it; but, it’s a comfort to me.

Doc: Exactly.

Paul: Doesn’t help does it?

Doc: No.

Paul: I know.

Doc: It hints at an inner insecurity; but, don’t worry, it’s extremely common.

Paul: ‘The Common!’

Doc (sighing): Goodbye, Mr Harry Beaux.

Paul: Quack!!


The original

We Feed the Ducks

We meet at the edge of the pond
For the sake of the ducks
The Ducks must come first
How we love to feed the Ducks

And now the wretched come
With their tracksuits
And their ringtones
They Push Alfred in the pond
They Ride upon Stanley’s mobility scooter
And readjust his adjustable seat
Wendy, bless her she’s not as young as she was
She only succeeds in stabbing and drowning one of the scallywags
The others flee
How they flee
Like the cowards they are
Wendy lets them run
The ducks have their blood offering now

Paul Bailey
February 2013

2 responses to “A Visit to the Docs (“The Docs!”)

  1. Royalty is relative. Louisiana has a Ducky Dynasty.

  2. Having read and re-read, and imagined the voice of M. Harry Beaux (and the honourable Dr. Dracus), I think this is going to be a hit at the next MV. 🙂

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