Monthly Archives: April 2015

It Takes ‘One’ To Have A Conversation – #NaPoWriMo

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“Something cheery!”
Is the cry from my soul
“Give the bleak stuff a miss;
Nobody wants your miserable poems…
Or your depressing tales of woe and lakes that be gone!”

“Haha!” I retort. “That was a convoluted pun worthy of…
… me.”
I consider this a victory of sorts
“And another thing…”
I await the conclusion to this
“…your ‘funny’ poems and stories are
funny ‘peculiar’ and not that funny ‘haha!’ ”
I just consider this
“Have you finished?” I ask –
After a while (it is not the best response; but; I’ll have to make do with the lame duck that it is.
“I could say more; but, you are already unsure what to reply – you are that sort of guy!”
True. Yet, I felt that I needed to respond in a more positive way – but, what to say?
“La la la. Are you ‘rebooting?’ Seems like you’ve slipped into a coma. There’s a definite aroma of defeat in your ‘feet!’ ”
“Very droll!” I counter. “And I suppose that ‘you’ are such a ‘witty’ and unutterably ‘smart-mouthed, wise-cracking, purveyor of repartee, that you are not ‘me!’ ”
“Was that a question? You ended it with an exclamation mark. Your grammar is awful.”
She’s been dead for sixty-five years.”
“No, not your grandma!”
“Do you mean my ‘Nan?’ Thirty-five years.”
“I suppose you are an orphan.”
“Was that ‘rhetorical?’ ”
“Might have been.”
“You’re just playing with me now.”
“You are playing with yourself.”
“Cheeky!”
“So, what are you going to do about it?”
“Give myself a stiff telling off.”
“As if that will work!”
“Worth a try.”
“Whatever! Bored now. Gonna leave you to your pond life of a life. Goodbye!”
“Ciao! And good riddance!”
“Don’t you worry, I’ll be back!”
“Thanks for the cheery note, Arnie!”
“Blah! Blah! Blah!”

They part – to be continued.

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Don’t bust the buskers – exhibiting talent is not a crime

Don’t lock up buskers – unless it’s me (I’m that bad) freedom of speech and musical expression should be encouraged G

A Tale of Jack Hughes

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Jack Hughes queues
In shoe-shops;
Because
He looses shoes.

He gets the blues
Because
He never knows
Which shoes to choose.

He accrues shoes;
Because
He doesn’t always loose both shoes
They are also his muse;
He was on The News
About his shoes
(Of different hues)
Upon which he wrote haikus
One of which was:

‘I do love my shoes;
Be they in ones, or in twos;
Yellows, reds or blues.’

.

.
Well, a man ‘has’ to pay his dues.

A Visit to the Docs (“The Docs!”)

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A Visit to the Docs (“The Docs!”)

Paul: Well, Ducktor (in an aside, that the doctor hears) – I’ve never been to see a quack before – it’s about this problem I’ve got.

Doctor Dracus: A ‘Quack!’ I’ll have you know that I have framed certificates upon my wall and I’ve been practicing for twenty-seven years!

Paul (admiringly): That’s a lot of practice – you should be pretty good by now.

Doc: I am the best in my field.

Paul: Are you a vet, too?

Doc: Certainly not! I am a GP with over a thousand on my books.

Paul: I’ve got about fifty in my bank book.

Doc: That is beside the point, young man. I have a reputation.

Paul: So have I – that’s why people tend to avoid me in the street.

Doc: Why? Are you aggressive?

Paul: Well… I’m ‘passive’ aggressive ; apart from the ‘aggressive’ bit. So, no, not really.

Doc: So, ‘why’ do they avoid you?

Paul: It’s the ducks ‘The Ducks!’

Doc: Sorry? Do you have Tourette’s?

Paul: It’s something like that; I tend to shout out words randomly – but, as a part of my story about the ducks ‘The Ducks!’

Doc: Do you swear?

Paul: Doesn’t everybody?

Doc: I meant ‘as part of your ‘shouty-outy’ words.

Paul: Oh! Not as you would notice! It’s more like the ducks ‘The Ducks!’ Or the wretched ‘The Young People! With their ringtones ‘Horrors!’ Nothing ‘too’ sweary, really.

Doc: I can prescribe something for your condition.

Paul: You can?

Doc: I most certainly can; it’s what I do. I am suggesting you get out more; go for long walks-

Paul: To the Common?

Doc: That’s an option; however, I sense an excess of breadstuffs in your diet – and you maybe suffering from worms.

Paul: ‘The Worms!’

Doc: Or the Lurghi.

Paul: ‘The Lurghi!’

Doc: But, I think that you would be advised to see a specialist – an ornithologist.

Paul: The ‘whatchamacologist!’

Doc: Don’t worry about the long word; an ornithologist will be able to understand your problem; what is visibly affecting you, and also what is happening under the surface.

Paul: Oh.

Doc: That’s about it; I shall send you an appointment for a follow-up; and the ornithologist shall give you a (duck) call.

Paul: Thank you, Ducktor. You’ve been a great help with my mallardy.

Doc: You are very welcome.

Paul: I am? Thank you. Goodbye.

Doc: Oh, and by the way.

Paul: Yes?

Doc: There’s the small matter of ‘the bill.’

Paul: The Bill!

Doc: Yes.

Paul (Sighing): I know… I shouldn’t wear it; but, it’s a comfort to me.

Doc: Exactly.

Paul: Doesn’t help does it?

Doc: No.

Paul: I know.

Doc: It hints at an inner insecurity; but, don’t worry, it’s extremely common.

Paul: ‘The Common!’

Doc (sighing): Goodbye, Mr Harry Beaux.

Paul: Quack!!

..

.
The original

We Feed the Ducks

We meet at the edge of the pond
For the sake of the ducks
THE DUCKS!
The Ducks must come first
THE DUCKS!
How we love to feed the Ducks
THE DUCKS!

And now the wretched come
THE YOUNG PEOPLE!
With their tracksuits
THE YOUNG PEOPLE!
And their ringtones
HORRORS!
They Push Alfred in the pond
FIENDS!
They Ride upon Stanley’s mobility scooter
And readjust his adjustable seat
REVENGE!
Wendy, bless her she’s not as young as she was
She only succeeds in stabbing and drowning one of the scallywags
The others flee
How they flee
Like the cowards they are
Wendy lets them run
The ducks have their blood offering now
THE DUCKS!

Paul Bailey
February 2013

Breaking: Couple Gets Green Light to be Surgically Conjoined

A tale with a message – maybe of warning G:)

Charlotte Cuevas

Hun and Bae Jenkins have long stopped using their real names, opting to be known only by their pet names for each other. The pair have grown virtually inseparable over the course of their relationship, so much so that they share the same friends, hobbies, workplace, and even clothes. Now they want to take it a step further, and doctors have given them the ok.

“We want to cement our love in a lasting show of commitment,” says Hun. “We thought about getting matching tattoos or having a child, but those seemed too mundane. We want something radical.”

The couple has decided to undergo a procedure which will surgically conjoin them together, rendering each incapable of living without the other. Although this is obviously the case already, they want to make it public and permanent.

But the couple is not immune to societal pressures, says Babe.

“We asked our friends…

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A Multi-Haynaku! #NaPoWriMo

I
‘Did’ see
A fairy ring

I did
A real one-
Honest!

Made of daisies;
It was
Magical.

Upon the ground
There
Before me.

Then
In a second
It vanished.

I gasped
Amazed
Then wrote this.

Side by Side – two poems in one (read alternate lines)

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Blossom falling from the trees
Why is it that good things come in one’s not threes?
Sunlight cheers, with Winter breeze
And luck is never that good to cancel out my outstanding fees
A chill contender for my soul
I seem to work from to dusk to dawn to fill a hole
It cuts right through, but leaves me whole
My efforts piled up with repetition become a rigmarole.