Monthly Archives: February 2015

Bark of the Trees

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In the quiet of the forest
Your bark is worse than your bite
You break the peaceful homonyms
With your sharp acoustic trite;
For, you have no need to dog-shout
At the utmost of your voice
What you say, please keep within,
We can do without your painful canine noise.

“Watch out!”

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“Watch out! He’s got a bun!”

“A bun?”

“No, not a bun; a nun!”

“A nun!”

“No, not a nun, a… a whatchamacallit!”

“Yeah, like that helps.”

“Take a look for yourself.”

“Oh! One of those.”

“Exactly!”

“Well, why didn’t you say so?”

“I tried.”

“I suppose you did.”

(Calmly) “Anyway… ‘WATCH OUT!’ “

Ward’s Thesis

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Ed: This Dissertation of yours…
Ward: Yes?
Ed: You’ve called it ‘You can’t blame a man for tring.’
Ward: Yes.
Ed: can’t you see the error?
Ward: Yes. Um… no.
Ed: ‘Tring!’ ‘Tring!’
Ward: Hold on, I’ll just answer that.
Ed: no, you numbskull, ‘Tring!’ It should be ‘trying’ like ‘you’ are.
Ward: Oh! No, it’s absolutely correct – it’s Tring the place… In Herefordshire.
Ed: Really?
Ward: Yes.
Ed: And truly?
Ward: Yes, again. It’s about the town-planner of tring; and how the people blamed him for the whole farrago that the town is; when it’s not really his fault.
Ed: Oh!
Ward: A most excellent case study it has been.
Ed: Yes. Do you know something, Ward?
Ward: Yes.
Ed: You are quite Tring; I am going for a nap.
Ward: Oh!

Prompt: Opium (@HeartSoupPoems)

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    (@Graeme_Sandford)
    19/02/2015
    @HeartSoupPoems (opium)

“A poppy for me?
Why thank you, dear.
Sorry; you need the seeds;
To do?
Oh!
I was going to buttonhole it;
Not you.”

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Traffic Update (Radio Oxford)

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    Traffic Update (Oxford Radio) Radio Sketch

Linda (end of an item): … and they were both inextricably locked together at the end of play.

Announcer: Which would just about wrap it up for the both of them. Thank you, Linda. Now, it’s time for an update on the traffic-

SFX Traffic News Jingle (“On the hour – and on the half-hour – Oxford’s traffic news for you!”)

Ann: over to Gavin. Gavin?

Gavin: Hello?

Ann: Hello, Gavin; whereabouts on our busy road network are you today?

Gavin: Hello?

Ann: Gavin! Can you hear me? Where are you, today?

Gavin: Loud and clear, Vince; I’m on the M25 approaching Scotch Corner.

Ann: I sincerely doubt that, Gavin; Scotch Corner is on the A1(M).

Gavin: Is that right?

Ann: I trust my knowledge that it is so.

Gavin: What?

Ann: Yes. What road ‘are’ you on – the M25 is a little off our patch for traffic updates.

Gavin: Hold on; I’ll ask the driver.

(Pause)

Gavin: The driver says were on the No.7a service from Folkestone to Deal. Near to Hever. In Kent.

Ann: Hever? The scenic route?

Gavin: Sorry?

Ann: Never mind. It’s a lovely part of the country; which, for an Oxfordshire Traffic Report, is quite useful.

Gavin: I thought it was strange for the M4 to be single-carriageway in places.

Ann: It would be unheard of. So, how is the traffic in the Hever area?

Gavin: Where?

Ann: Where ‘you’ are!

Gavin: I don’t know; we are currently stopped for the tourists to have a look around the castle.

Ann: Okay, Gavin, I’ll let you carry on with your site-seeing.

Gavin: Right-o!

Ann: And we’ll be back with Gavin in half-an-hour to see how busy the traffic is in the area of the gift shop-

SFX Traffic News Jingle (“On the hour – and on the half-hour – Oxford’s traffic news for you!”)

Ann (aside): And sometime Kent’s.

Ann: And now… the latest gossip from the Oxfordshire Debating Society (gradually fades). Recent debates of the O.D.S. have tended to become over-heated; and one even ended in a case of fisticuffs-

NB – please be aware that the above is nothing at all to do with BBC Radio Oxford, which is a fine institution (and I know, I’ve been in a few) G:)

@boringhaiku (2)

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    (@Graeme_Sandford)
    @boringhaiku #boring #haiku #howtonotwriteaboringhaikuproperly

“There is a saying: it is:
‘Don’t always conform.’
Means nothing to me.”

@boringhaiku

tuesday

    @Graeme_Sandford
    @boringhaiku #haiku #boring
    #howtoreadahaikuproperly

“First; read the first line;
Then, read the second, second;
Finish with the third.”