Monthly Archives: January 2015

3 x 100-word Flash Fiction Stories


    3 x 100 Word Flash Fiction Stories


Born on the bleakest of mid-Winter nights, Lemuel Plain was never destined to live; his mother didn’t even last long enough to hear his first cry of hunger; but, Lemuel was determined to fulfil a destiny.
He nearly capitulated many times in that first cold experience of life; someone was watching over him and so he kept breathing and every day was a step towards the manhood that would make him famous.
He seemed stubborn enough to shove aside illnesses and fevers that took stronger souls than him; ‘he’ wasn’t going to surrender to an early demise – oh, no.


It is colder now than it was… Or will be…
That’s because it is Winter – and, as I am a living thing, I know that to be the case.

I have the knowledge of my past and the brain-power to realise that the future rotates in seasons – unerringly and with simple ease – and that the past will mirror the present and the future (when it comes to weather).

Whether that is an exact science or not I cannot say. I have no ‘specialised’ knowledge – just knowledge.

I shall have to live with that.

It seems the thing to do.


Does my story fit the criteria? Does it?
I need to mention winter, life and creation; I think I needed to mention those. – I’m not sure any more.
I have to check the rules: a hundred words I know that…
subject matter for me check…
hold on…
‘Living Things’ and ‘Winter’ that was just what I thought; now what can I possibly write about those in just one hundred words?
And it’s no use asking you, the reader, rhetorical questions, is it?
Okay, let me start…

In the Winter living things can survive by a number of methods.

That’s good.

Flash Fiction Competition – FREE Entry

Free! Competition! Flash! Ahhhhh! Saviour of the Universe!


It’s the last few days to get your entries in to the Flash Fiction Competition.

All stories will be posted for viewing and voting from Sunday, 1st February.


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The Reason

The Good to Talk Tour

A few weeks back I was thinking about a good friend of mine; Lizzie Lee.

We met while we were volunteering at No5 Youth Counselling in Reading. She was already counselling when I met her, but to start with I was the duty receptionist for the Wednesday evening rota.

I’ve no doubt we were the rock and roll rota. I’m pretty sure the amount of laughing and swearing that went on in the counsellors rest room during that time was unsurpassed. Mostly because of Lizzie.

Lizzie was, to say the least, a prolific swearer. The competition to say the c word first each night was almost always won by her. She used it as a term of endearment and as the worst possible insult. Sometimes in the same breath. I don’t think I ever got a christmas card from her that didn’t feature that word.

Eventually I would go through…

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Scone-Sketch Bites Man!

Able:		Scone.
Baker:		What has
Able:		No! Scone!
Baker:		Scone?
Able:		Ay, scone.
Baker:		Just the one?
Able:		Ay, a singularly singular 'scone!'
Baker:		I'd call it a scöne!
Able:		You would!
Baker:		What's that supposed to mean?
Able:		Tomatoes, potatoes, pineapples, scones! 
		It's the different way that you and I say the same things.
Baker:		Oh. 
Baker:		Pineapple?
Able:		Yes - took your time - you'd call it a 'nexotic' fruit; 
		whereas to me it's just a common everyday 'pineapple'.
Baker:		Oh.
Baker:		What a lot of cahones you talk.
Able:		No it's gone
Baker:		Scone or scöne
Able:		No! My sketch idea.
Baker:		Upon?
Able:		A scone.
Baker:		Oh!
Able:		Oh? Is that all you can say?
Baker:		Well, I mean... it's a shame, and all that; but, 
		it was just a sketch about a... (slowly) ...scone.
Able:		'Just' a sketch?! It was a brilliant idea; 
		a work of genius; a creative masterpiece; a... a...
Baker:		(blandly) ... sketch about a scone.
Able:		Oh, you; 'you' wouldn't know a genius sketch about
		a scone if it bit you on the backside!
Baker:		Is that likely? 'Scone-Sketch Bites Man!'
Able:		I can see the headline now.
Baker:		Whatever! (leaves)
Able:		He... 'sgone!

The ‘Word of the Day’ Twice



The word of the day is ‘Pernicious’
Just say it; it tastes so delicious;
But, be careful, my friend
It’s a means to ill end
Bit by bit, it will turn out malicious.


The word of the day is peripatetic
It keeps moving around – quite athletic
Here one day, then gone
No dust will fall on
And to stop it you’ll need anaesthetic.

An Ode to an Anode Ode


An Ode to an Anode Ode

Oh, Anode Ode
How much is owed
To your creation?
The answer is: little;
Or nothing.
Which is to say
That your worth
Is not measured in mere amounts;
It is your very being that counts
For, without you, there would be a space in my dictionary
And a lack in my life;

Although, I speak here of the words that spoke of your worth
Rather than of you, yourself.
As, you existed long before I;
And ‘I’ long before the words
That I wrote upon you –
If that makes sense of our mirth
And I here use the Earth
As my playground
It is the best place for writing upon
Electrical devices
That ‘I’ have so far found.
And the ‘only’ one
There is
I’ll be bound.
Oh, Anode Ode,
How much is owed?

My Crow’s Poetry

Crawford the Crow

Crawford the Crow

My Crow’s Poetry

Crawford the crow
Usually spoke with Cawtion
But, sometimes he was
Excrawdinarily erudite.
His poems, of which there were many, were scrawled upon
Scraps of paper that he found
When rooting around for his food.

One of his best was a poem
He wrote one Saturday in January
When he’d just been thrown a measly crust
It was okay, but tasted of dust
But, then a chunk of cake came towards
And in his mind it deserved awards
Not that Crawford should have chocolate cake to eat
But, just this once, as a treat.

His poem was:

Cake, I like your style
Your taste is worth my while
And though my tummy may soon ache
I’d like to say I loved you, cake.

Short and sweet it was
Which as the crow flies is the best way,

A little something before the weekend

Friday work is almost done

I have slaved until the setting sun

Is nearly here; which doth mean

Three sleeps until work

Again rears it’s ugly head –

Not that I mind honest toil

For finances are earnt

In life, they oil the cogs

Providing food for cat and dogs

(And us)

And the wherewithal for us to do

All manner of  stuff (If that is vague enough).

Basically, a means to an end

We earn, we spend.

Hurrah! For the weekend. Hurrah!

God is a Waitress


Burrows: As God is my waitress
Wallburt: Witness!
Burr: Sorry!
Wall: He is your ‘witness’.
Burr: Widnes? The place?
Wall: No! God. Is. Your. ‘Wait-ress!’
Burr: That’s what ‘I’ said.
Wall: Aaargh! Wit-ness! I meant ‘Wit-ness!’
Burr: You do confuse matters, Wallburt.
Wall: I do very well ‘without’ your help, Burrows.
Burr: ‘That’ is just your opinion, my little friend.
Wall: Which, as Helen said, is worth a thousand ships at lunchtime.
Burr: Is she the new girl; the tall, thin blonde?
Wall: (pauses, then says ironically) Yes, that’s the one – she also said she thought you were a rather attractive man.
Burr: (excitedly) Did she?
Wall: (bursting a bubble) No, you lummox; the Helen I speak of died many centuries ago.
Burr: That’s a shame. I was growing to like her… a lot.
Wall: She would have eaten you for breakfast.
Burr: And yet she remains so thin; must have a good metabolism.
Well: Yes. That’s what I like about you, Burrows.
Burr: What?
Wall: Your denial of reality. It’s most entertaining.
Burr: Glad to be of service. (pause) I’m just going to mull over your words for a while and work out where the insult was.
Wall: Insults. Were.
Burr: Exactly. Now, about this waitress.

Nonsense Rhyme – a waste of time?

Nonsense Rhyme – a waste of time?

Peppermint Pasties
The Sahara is vast
Ease your lot
Or decline to be shot
Make the decision
To Insert an incision
Avoid a collision
Or act nonchalant
(Defer the derision)
Make every day a Wednesday
Apart from Wednesday itself
Which should be nameless
(Even though blameless)
Until further notice.

Leave at least one item on all plates
(Not necessarily food – or celery)
And avoid the use of forks
(Use cocktail sticks instead)
As the world needs the sky.

Then, when all is said and done
And said
Once more
Forget it all
And return to ‘Go’
Four four-leaf clovers
Upon the way
(As you would)
And await further instructions
(Which will not be forthcoming).