A Man Walks Into a Bard…
or Brave St. George versus the Sweet Swan of Avon…
or Much a Diddly about Squat!
Act 1, Scene 1 – a bar in downtown Stratford upon Avon, England.
George Hello, William, I thought you were barred from here!
Will No, George; and that’s not funny, do you hear?
George Keep your hair on, Will.
Narrator He smirked as he spoke
George Written any good yarns lately?
Narrator He was such an annoying bloke
Will No, just enjoying my anniversary; thought I’d make an appearance.
I was born and I died on the same day, George.
Narrator Said Will
Will Perchance, to dream, Ay, there’s the rub, that-
George Oh, give it a rest!
Narrator Said George
George You’re far too old to play Doublet now.
Narrator Cried Will
Will I would forget it fain, but, oh it presses my memory, like…
George No ‘like!’ about it.
Narrator George sighed
Will Well, it’s not as if you’ve killed any dragons lately!
Narrator Will had espied a spot to hit George’s lizard-killing pride
Will What have you done today, to make you feel proud; living so sedately?
George No dragons left; they have all been put to the sword and the lance.
There is now nothing left to do but sing, perchance to dance!
Where’s the grub?
Narrator George was feeling peckish after reliving his heroic deeds
And was now in quest of vittles to satisfy his hungry-growing needs
George Anyway, lots of babies are born and die on the same day. What makes you so special, cuz? It’s like as not that one in ten thousand tiny men born in England now a-bed are lost in this way to us.”
Will Yes, but between a star dancing, ‘under which I was born’
And my journey to ‘dusty death’, of which lack of an end was hope forlorn,
Did I but strut and fret in the course of an hour more than some do in a lifetime, Horatio!
Narrator Will recovered his poise; emptied his flagon
Will You only killed a dragon.
George It was rather a large one; I’d like to see you try, sunshine.
Will I would calm and soothe the savage beast-
George Don’t make me laugh, kid! Your comedies never did. You wouldn’t last a minute against a fire-breathing dragon.
Narrator Will looked at George for a moment
Will You, sir, are a… a dunghill! More of your conversation would infect my brain. And with a hey-nonny-no, I go!
Narrator William turned, left the bar, walked into the reign (of Elizabeth 2) and was never seen by you or St. George again.
St. George ordered a pint and a pie; upon receiving his drink he held up the glass and raised a toast…
George “Cry ‘God for Harry, England, and Saint…
Narrator A look of smugness crossed his face
Narrator …and then he faded back into legend, by and by.