A Man Walks Into a Bard – 23rd April, 2013



A Man Walks Into a Bard…

or Brave St. George versus the Sweet Swan of Avon…              

or Much a Diddly about Squat!


       Act 1, Scene 1 – a bar in downtown Stratford upon Avon, England.


George        Hello, William, I thought you were barred from here!


Will              No, George; and that’s not funny, do you hear?


George        Keep your hair on, Will.


Narrator       He smirked as he spoke


George        Written any good yarns lately?


Narrator       He was such an annoying bloke


Will              No, just enjoying my anniversary; thought I’d make an appearance.

                    I was born and I died on the same day, George.


Narrator       Said Will


Will              Perchance, to dream, Ay, there’s the rub, that-


George        Oh, give it a rest!


Narrator       Said George


George        You’re far too old to play Doublet now.


Will              Hamlet!


Narrator       Cried Will


Will              I would forget it fain, but, oh it presses my memory, like…


George        No ‘like!’ about it.


Narrator       George sighed


George        (sighing)


Will              Well, it’s not as if you’ve killed any dragons lately!


Narrator       Will had espied a spot to hit George’s lizard-killing pride


Will              What have you done today, to make you feel proud; living so sedately?


George        No dragons left; they have all been put to the sword and the lance.

                    There is now nothing left to do but sing, perchance to dance!

                    Where’s the grub?


Narrator       George was feeling peckish after reliving his heroic deeds

                    And was now in quest of vittles to satisfy his hungry-growing needs


George        Anyway, lots of babies are born and die on the same day. What makes you so special, cuz? It’s like as not that one in ten thousand tiny men born in England now a-bed are lost in this way to us.”


Will              Yes, but between a star dancing, ‘under which I was born’

                    And my journey to ‘dusty death’, of which lack of an end was hope forlorn,

                    Did I but strut and fret in the course of an hour more than some do in a lifetime, Horatio!


George        George!


Will              Whatever!


Narrator       Will recovered his poise; emptied his flagon


Will              You only killed a dragon.


George        It was rather a large one; I’d like to see you try, sunshine.


Will              I would calm and soothe the savage beast-


George        Don’t make me laugh, kid! Your comedies never did. You wouldn’t last a minute against a fire-breathing dragon.


Narrator       Will looked at George for a moment


Will              You, sir, are a… a dunghill! More of your conversation would infect my brain. And with a hey-nonny-no, I go!


Narrator       William turned, left the bar, walked into the reign (of Elizabeth 2) and was never seen by you or St. George again.


                    St. George ordered a pint and a pie; upon receiving his drink he held up the glass and raised a toast…


George        “Cry ‘God for Harry, England, and Saint…


Narrator      A look of smugness crossed his face


George        …George!”


Narrator       …and then he faded back into legend, by and by.

One response to “A Man Walks Into a Bard – 23rd April, 2013

  1. Reblogged this on Graeme Sandford and commented:

    What think you of this as a performance piece for 3? Any feedback would be greatly appreciated G:) Thank you

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